Tag: abuse

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

 Conflict and Difficult People

Sometimes it is easy to think of anyone who gets in the way of our goals as a difficult person! However taking such a view is to see conflict / disagreement / encouragement to pay attention to other views as a negative experience. Here at makingchurchdecisions.com we consider conflict to be a place for growth. Meeting people with whom we disagree, or who are different from us, invites us to new learning and growth. Conflict is not a bad thing! Combat is optional.

However some negative experiences of conflict arise because we have to deal with difficult people. Difficult people are those who – for whatever reason – do not make a constructive contribution to resolving a conflict. The example might be people who are negative as attempts are made to work through a shared issue. Or it could be that they behave in a way that creates unnecessary tension or strains in relationships.

Examples of Difficult Behaviours

People who are stubborn and refuse to entertain any view but their own are a classic example of people who are difficult to deal with. They turn a healthy conflict into a combat zone. Such people range from those who refuse to take seriously an alternative point of view through to those who put down and belittle alternative opinions.

Still others insist on focusing on things that are irrelevant or minor in the scheme of the issue that is being discussed. We all know the people who want to get into minute detail on something when what is needed is to explore the big themes and grand vision.

Perhaps among the most difficult people are the straight out nasty ones! They use harsh words, put people down and speak in sterotypes. Through body language and tone they make it clear that they are in this fight to win it. Conflict for these people is always a blood sport.

It should be noted that these types of behaviour can show up and the person is not a “difficult person” by our definition. For example people can be negative and oppose things because they have a mental health problem, or are suffering from an illness like dementia, or perhaps transferring emotions from a place of personal pain, eg a deep grief. In these cases they are not being difficult people in order to win their argument. Rather they are outworking – in an unhealthy way – their own illness. We still need to deal with their difficult behaviour. However, it is worth trying to work out where the negative behaviour is coming from because it helps us choose the right intervention.

Options for responding

1.  Don’t react
This is easier said than done! Nevertheless one of the best things to do with difficult people is to suck the energy out of them. Negative people thrive on opposition – it feeds their aggression and makes them feel justified in attacking during a conflict.
Stay calm. That old advice about counting to 10 before you respond to a negative comment has a lot of merit. Process your emotions. Remember to talk slowly and reduce the volume if you hear yourself getting faster and louder
2.  Disarm your opponent
Remember that the comments of difficult people are their weapons – so decide how to take those weapons away. I have found that acknowledging the worthwhile points in an opponent’s argument can shift the tone of a conversation. If people don’t have to defend everything that they believe then it reduces the range of areas where there is contention.
Where people are nasty and agressive then a helpful, but challenging approach is offered by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: 17 – 20.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, … 20 On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

3.  Change the game by changing the frame
With difficult people this will require a different response depending on their behaviour. So, when someone is being argumentative and not wanting to hear another point of view it may be helpful to reframe the discussion. For example the discussion is about enlarging the meeting room next to the church office and buying new furniture to set it up. One person may be fixated on cost and arguing against luxurious furniture in the church. By inviting that person to talk about how hospitality is shown in their workplace or home, it may help to reframe the discussion away from money to being about how to be a welcoming community.
If the difficult people are being rude, disrespectful, etc in their attempt to get their way then they need to be confronted. It is not acceptable anywhere to denigrate and put people down in order to get your way. Therefore the reframe here is to call the person out and tell them that the behaviour is unacceptable. The new frame is what is an appropriate way for people to act. Don’t let people get away with bad behviour because they are allowed to continue to think that winning is all that matters!
4.  Make it easy to say “yes”
There are many ways that this can be done but the basic idea is to get a person to work constructively on a solution. By allowing people to remain outside the solution it gives them permission to keep sniping and complaining.
So, if a person continues to make the same repetitive speech about an issue say something like “it sounds like you care a lot about A, B or C.” “Would you like to be part of the solution to the issue that is before us ?” It is pretty easy to say “yes” in response to those invitations. The goal is to find places of partnership.
In the case of bad behaviour the aim of the words might be to help them see the harm that they are doing. It is important to be very careful here so that a person doesn’t say “no” out of ignorance or spite. So know the context and person very well. Some possibilites for comment include: “Have you noticed that people in the church don’t like spending time with you when you behave this way?” “Do you know that your behaviour is hurting people?”  “Do you want to find a solution to our problems?”
5.  Make it hard to say “no”
In some ways this is very similar to the previous point. Difficult people are often very negative in their mindset. They see problems where others see possibilities. The aim is to get difficult people to see the positive in a situation so that they might be drawn into constructive rather than destructive conversations.
Some things that might be said: “Do you care for our church?” Do you want us to find a solution to this issue?” “Can you offer us some constructive options that will meet the needs of as many people as possible?”

Conclusion

Difficult people turn up in lots of places. We can’t prevent that from happening. However we need not be their victims. Most people can take up the steps that are suggested here. Of course there will be some people who have been subject to put downs for so long that their self esteem is damaged and they cannot confront people who are abusive in their way of relating to others. However many people have options and don’t need to be paralysed by bad the behaviour of difficult people.

Accidental Offensiveness?

“Accidental offensiveness” is when someone causes harm to another person without intent. If there is such a thing – what can be done about it?Last year I wrote a post that explored why offensive behaviour is not noticed by the perpetrator. The blog title is Abuse in the Church – are we desensitized? This post has some common ground with the earlier post.

Offensive Behaviour in the Church

Words and actions can often offend people and cause the recipients deep distress. At the same time the perpetrator does not even notice. Or if they notice they can be shocked because “I am not that kind of person”. It is also common to blame the victim for being over sensitive, misunderstanding or being thin skinned. However, what constitutes offensiveness is not the decision of the person who causes the offence.

My observation is that many times in the church people make excuses for themselves when they do relational harm through their bad behaviour. Christians think of themselves as nice people with good motives. So, if the motives are good then they have done nothing wrong. Hurt, offense, broken relations are an accident. It’s accidental offensiveness. And so the idea is that the perpetrator is faultless and doesn’t owe anyone an apology.

Don’t Blame the Victim!

My behaviour – words or actions – can cause harm. If so then it isn’t good enough to say things like “I am sorry that you were hurt by my actions.” That is not an apology! This is a regret – genuine perhaps – but it goes nowhere near close to a genuine Christian act of confession.

By turning the attention to the response of the hurt person the discussion becomes about them. It’s seen as their problem. “They should learn to toughen up.” “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.” “Some people are such wimps.” I am sure you have heard these and more.

It is not the responsibility of others to learn to cope with our accidental offensiveness. Mature adults own the consequences of their behaviour and make adjustments to their actions. Offensiveness – behaviour that causes offense to another – is owned by the doer not the receiver of the behaviour!

How do people change?

Last week I read a very powerful personal piece in The Huffington Post by Alexander Johnstone. It’s title was: As A Man Who Respects Women, I Thought I’d Never Crossed A Line. I Was Wrong. In the article he talks of the horrifying discovery that he inadvertently sexually harassed and hurt women. Most importantly he spoke about what it meant to him and what he did about it.

What to do about “accidental offensiveness”

First and foremost it is essential to take responsibility for one’s own actions. Only by holding the blame to oneself is it possible change. Learning comes when we acknowledge the need to grow.

Secondly, find teachers who will help remove the blind spots that we have about our behaviour. The best teachers we can listen to are those whom we have hurt. Rather than blame them ask their help to better understand what has happened and why it was hurtful.

Be open to learning opportunities. So, if you accidentally offend someone and you pick up something in their reply, body language, tone of voice, or a change of subject – then ask them what has happened to cause this. But be ready because it could really hurt you when you hear what they have to say!

Toughen up – spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. If you do this then  when you get negative feedback you are in a better position to receive it without getting defensive. Grow yourself as a disciple and as a person so that you can be involved in hard conversations about your behaviour – even when it does hurt.

There is a scene from the movie Lawrence of Arabia  when Lawrence (played by Peter O’Toole) holds his hand over a candle flame for many seconds. One of his companions does the same and within a second pulls his hand away and shouts “Blimey that hurts!” Lawrence replies “Of course it hurts. The trick is to not mind that it hurts!” Growing as a person and learning how to be sensitive to others can be a painful experience. But learn that the trick is not to mind that it hurts – because there is a more important goal than protecting yourself.

Get a mentor, Supervisor (in the sense of a professional supervisor), coach or somebody with whom you reflect on your behaviour in these sorts of situations. We don’t know what we don’t know. So get help and don’t wait until you cripple someone’s life before you decide to learn.

Finally, if you see someone being “accidentally offensive” call them out on it. Challenge them to see what they have done and to take responsibility. As Christians we have a responsibility to encourage each other in faithfully following Jesus.

Conclusion

People who do not even realize what they are doing  often cause a great deal of the  hurt to people and relationships in the church. Every one of us does it. Are you willing to take responsibility and become sensitive to your offensive behaviour and then apologize, learn and grow?

Bullying At Church – What Is It?

What is a bully?

A bully is someone who asserts their wishes on others to the detriment of the other person. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that usually involves a power imbalance. These individuals want to get their way and control others. They can cause havoc and create conflict.

Wikipedia defines bullying as the “use of force, threat, or coercion to intimidate or dominate others.” This behavior is intentional, repetitive and habitual. Bullies tend to isolate and intimidate people they perceive as weaker. Sadly, most bullies were abused as children.

Adult bullies operate in a set behavior. They are not interested in working things out or compromising their position. They want power and domination over others. They believe that they alone know best how to do things. Bullies can be staff or members of local churches.

Different types of bullying

  • Verbal: teasing,  making inappropriate comments, spreading rumors
  • Social: embarrassing someone in public, leaving a person out of a decision intentionally to belittle them, or making threats (i.e. stop giving financially to the church, leave and take people with you, etc.)
  • Physical: pushing another person, making rude gestures, or touching another person in an intimidating manner
  • Cyber: sending email threats to staff, leaders, or members to sway them to a specific action. It tends to mention anonymous support for their solution to make others believe the problem is bigger than it is, or that they are in a stronger position than they are.

9 traits that help you to recognize bullies

Thomas S. Rainer, a healthy church consultant,  describes 9 traits to recognize bullies before they do too much damage. They tend to exert their will in the following ways:

  1. See themselves as the real “heroes” who know better than others how to save the church. They are willing to fight for their outcome.
  2. Have a personal or self-serving agenda – they alone know best how the church should do things. They tend to think more highly of themselves and put others down.
  3. Form power alliances with people they perceive as weaker. Thhis is why they tend to triangulate staff members and leaders to conquer them.
  4. Show intense and emotional personalities and can “blow up” quickly.
  5. Famous for being the “storyteller” in the congregation. They claim  “people are saying…”; “If you do that then the majority of the church will leave…”; or financial giving will suffer…”; etc.
  6. Thrive in churches with low expectations of members or where membership is seen as an entitlement to get your own way.
  7. Grow more powerful and relentless when no one stands up to challenge them.
  8. Create conflict and wreack havoc by exerting excessive force, dividing people, manipulation or making threats.
  9. Move on to other churches after they have done significant damage or are forced out.

Basically, a bully says “it is my way or the highway!” They belittle others into submission or convince people to their way of thinking to keep the peace. When church staff are bullies they tend to build a fiefdom of supporters who they incite to do their work. This causes dissension.

What can be done to prevent bullying?

Remember: you have choices. When bullying exists you are either a victim, a bully, or a bystander. You are not powerless – no matter what the bullies want you to believe!

Bullying is more common in churches than most people think. The good news is that with careful attention and focused effort, bullies can be rendered powerless in your organization. Look over the following list carefully. Note what you are already doing well and celebrate it, but do not stop there. Consider adding 2-3 new things to your ministry practice to further strengthen your group.

  1. Pray – don’t prey. Encourage people to pray for God’s guidance in difficult decisions rather than be swayed by the loudest voice or view in the room. Take a time out to pray about a matter rather than rushing to a vote.
  2. Encourage people to speak up for themselves. Practice open, direct communication whenever possible. Use “I” statements to own opinions rather than speaking for others.  Respond rather than react. Bullies thrive where people are silent or passive.
  3. Have a zero tolerance for bullying. Know what it looks and feels like.  Churches with smaller cliques where key decisions are made, or where publicly made insensitive comments are left unchallenged are at a higher risk of bullies.
  4. Be a “high expectation” congregation. Be clear on what it takes to be a member. Activities such as active participation in worship and a small group is essential. Do you expect people to be annually involved in a mission project? These settings provide an opportunity to get to know one another well and strengthens the spiritual practices necessary in a faith group to treat one another well.
  5. Take bullying seriously. Don’t give advice that permits bullying. Do not excuse aggressive behavior by saying: “don’t let them get to you”, “rise above it and ignore them”, or “that’s just the way they are – we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Try to restore people that bully but do not hesitate to challenge the behavior whenever it presents itself.
  6. Know who handles complaints in your church. Every congregation deserves a committee or group that handles the discontent and murmurs.  Some denominations have a Staff-Parish, or Mutual Ministry team that addresses significant issues. An “Acts 6” group can be useful in helping  congregation deal with matters before they escalate into open conflict that handles the murmurs of members.
  7. Create a safe environment for people to be involved in the total life of the church without being bullied. Complete a Behavioral Covenant and be sure that new members know what actions are supported by the document. Review it often and display in a public place for people to see.
  8. Teach the process of descalating conflictbetween people found in Matthew 18. In the case of bullying, skip straight to the second step and provide monitors to go to the bully and be direct in what you want them to do. Let them know how their behavior is intimidating or manipulative. Ask them to stop and provide concrete ways they can be a part of the group. If they refuse to cooperate, then take it to the Church Council for appropriate action to limit the bully’s influence. It is best to lose one bully than lose several people. Exercise church discipline.
  9. Vet your leaders carefully. Get to know people and recognize their talents or gifts. Put well-qualified people in positions of authority. It’s best not just to let people volunteer for a job when you do not know them well. Be clear about meeting schedules and expectations.
  10. Create consequences. People should know what happens when a bully tries to exert their authority aggressively over a group. Provide a warning and name the next step. Bullies should not be allowed to hold leadership positions! It’s important to know that bullies tend to get stronger when left unchallenged.
  11. Use a fair process to make decisions. ParliamentaryProcessess tend to create winners and losers in an organization. It is easy with these methods to have a loud persuasive voice carry the vote or sway a decision. Consider using a consensus building process to make decisions that encourage full participation and innovative ideas to flourish. Work toward cooperation and unity that is won through respectful discussion.
  12. Train Staff. Most pastors and key leaders do not know how to handle conflict well or address obnoxious people soundly. Beware of keeping secrets and trying to deal with bullies one on one.
  13. Seek help! When you find yourself in a place where you are in over your head or the situation deteriorating quickly, do not be afraid to get help. Find someone who can take care of the situation decisively. Your Judicatory leader, local school counselor, or a trained mediator can address the situation fairly. Don’t wait too long to resolve the challenge. It only gets worse.
  14. Be more joyful than judicial. Bullies have a hard time influencing a group when things are going well and acknowledged.

 Conclusion

Bullies never leave or change on their own. If you know the warning signs you can reduce the chances of a bully getting into a place of power. However if they are at work, start to address the situation early.

In the post next week we look at why bullies operate in the church, some practical examples and some more ideas on what you can do to address them.

Violence and disagreement

Violence as a response to disagreement

What’s wrong with this picture?!!

Apparently in US political discourse it is fine to point a gun to show that you don’t like something! A US Senator is running this advertisement. In it he shoots at a document that represents the views of his political opponents.

There are too many people who think that the way to oppose something is to be violent towards it. The symbolism in this advertisement says that this is OK. It doesn’t matter what your politics, or views on a subject, violence is always wrong!

It is both apalling and alarming that a sitting US Senator thinks that it is OK to use the symbolism of violence and death as a way to express dissent. There is no pleasure to see that 2,925 people love that post. That is thousands of people shouting their approval for shooting first and asking questions later (maybe skip the questions bit). Tragic, distressing and unacceptable.

Blessed are the Peacemakers (Matthew 5:9)

The children of God are peacemakers. The children of God

  • seek reconcilliation,
  • offer and seek forgiveness
  • strengthen the chords that bind
  • never lose sight of the fact that God loves those that we might want to hate
  • resist the  accepted norms of violence and oppression in society.

In churches around the world there are people who think it is OK to injure others, to lie about and demean their opponents, who cheat, harm and use their power to win battles over their opponents. Shame! Such people can never claim to be the children of God.

Violence and Consensus Building

It is the aggressive behaviour of people in the churches that is the greatest encouragement to finding a new way of making decisions. At the same time it is the violent / aggressive behaviour of opponents to consensus based discernment that is one of the greatest obstacles to its introduction.

Consensus based discernment is counter cultural in most places. To move to it in our churches calls for courageous leaders who denounce the abuse, intimidation and aggression that passes for “robust debate” in too many churches today.

The Senator’s advertisement seeks to make  a culture of violence normal, acceptable, to be expected. In too many churches the way disagreements are handled seeks to make  a culture of violence normal, acceptable, to be expected. We must stop making violence seem normal!

Prophetic courage is needed

It is time for all the peace-making children of God to stand up against violence in the church (and anywhere they see it). Speak a powerful word of hope that there is a better way to be in communnity around difficult conversations. Offer the vision of consensus building discernment as an alternative world view to the one that normalizes violence.

But be warned! Matthew 5:11 & 12 may happen to you if you are a prophet of hope. “Happy are you when people insult you and harass you and speak all kinds of bad and false things about you, all because of me. Be full of joy and be glad, because you have a great reward in heaven. In the same way, people harassed the prophets who came before you.”

Abuse of power in the church – are we desensitised?

How come so many communities can live with abuse and not be troubled by it? There is a lot in the media lately about sexual harassment and abuse in society. In particular leading figures in the US media, politics, entertainment, business and more widely are being called out. That’s a great thing and it owes a lot to the #metoo campaign that encouraged women to speak out and name their abuse.

Sadly we know that there has been a lot of this kind of harassment and abuse in the church over the years. It continues in many churches, but thankfully in many we are becoming more sensitive to it.

Abuse of power in the church

There is another kind of abuse that is more widespread in the church. It is the abuse that leaves many people feeling belittled, hurt, estranged, disempowered and emotionally abused. Time and again in the church women, young people, persons of the non dominant culture or language, LGBTIQ members, those of different theological traditions, etc are attacked and denied a place. So they are left hurt and feeling worthless because of the way that church meetings are run.

How is it possible that church leaders can behave in ways that are so destructive of people and relationships in the church? Don’t they know what  the Christian way of behaving looks like?! It is like we church leaders have become insensitive to the abuse we do. We are no better than the men accused of sexually harassing someone who say “I don’t remember it that way?”

This week I read a great article by Emma Gray at The Huffington Post, who was exploring why women and men so often have different memories of events. Could it be, as Gray says in her article “When men ‘misremember’ violating women”, that people don’t notice the unacceptable nature of their behaviour because it is normal behaviour in their context? As she says people don’t notice abusive behaviour because ” … if this sort of behavior feels “normal,” why would it stand out?”

Abuse- how did we get desensitised?

How can the woman experience something as sexual abuse and the man as flirting, or shared experiences, or a bit of a joke. How can women, minorities, etc experience an event as an abuse of power in the church and others (often men) have no idea what the problem is?

In her article “When men ‘misremember’ violating women” Ms Gray points out that women and men draw the lines about what is acceptable in a different place. Men draw it in a place that gives them far more power and capacity to harm women. This happens because there is a culture that says that men are “entitled”. This sense of entitlement is so deep, and the culture so supportive of the practices that sustain it, that men cease to recognise sexual abuse when it happens.

Let’s think about that in relation to abuse of power in the church. Is it possible that we see habitual and ingrained abuse of power because the people of power draw the lines on acceptable behaviour in a different place to the victims of power? Does it suit the strong to grant themselves permission to behave badly, compared to what the weaker sections of the church community would describe acceptable behaviour?  Yes!

A culture of entitlement

Do the traditional leaders in the church consider themselves entitled to get their way? Do they privilege their voice over the voices of others? Yes!

In most churches we have  a culture of entitlement that gives permission for the established leadership to get its way. So the rules of our church meetings are written to support the interests of the leadership. Similarly, the practices that are seen as acceptable are the ones that work for the privileged group.

Who is the traditional leadership group that is given special place in your church? Who do the rules favour, so that when abuse happens the abusers do not even realise that they are doing it? Some possibilities include:

  • clergy
  • senior office holders – Bishops, General Secretaries, etc
  • people who are well educated in theology and other areas
  • men
  • higher level caste members and tribal chiefs
  • a dominant theological school of thought (it doesn’t matter which one)
  • others that you can add from your context

Who gets hurt by the way these people behave in a meeting?

  • lay people
  • the less well educated
  • women and young people
  • persons from less respected sectors of society – e.g. caste, indigenous people, certain socio economic backgrounds, etc
  • minorities – e.g. LGBTIQ persons, people with disabilities, migrants, etc

Say what! You didn’t realise that your words and actions would hurt me!

We have all been in the situation where someone has expressed surprise that their behaviour in a church meeting was experienced as abusive. I have been shocked when I have been told that the way that I behaved was hurtful to others. I have seen people weep and be very, very angry at the way they have been put down, or deceived, or stopped from having a say in a meeting.

It is no excuse, but it is possible that a majority of the abusers do not realise that they are abusing people. Obviously some people do know what they are doing! But there are people of good will and faith in the dominant group who actually don’t see that what they are doing is wrong. The culture is so strong, and the practices so ingrained, that they are blind. Maybe this is why more than once Jesus said “let those who have eyes see, and those with ears hear.”

How will change be possible?

How will they see and hear? In the US consciousness is rising and change may be possible because sexual abusers are being named and shamed. This is happening because the victims of abuse stand up and name their experience. It is deeply unfair that the survivors of abuse have to confront their abusers. Yet this is often seen to the the most likely way to get the issue before the community.

Many men in the US are now realising that by their silence they have been complicit in supporting the behaviour of abusers. Increasingly men are acknowledging their responsibility to denounce bad behaviour when they see it. They now know that they must support women who resist harassment and abuse. Remaining silent – because “I am not doing it” – is no longer an option when observing abuse.

We have to stop accepting abuse of power in the church and the harm that it does. My encouragement is that we all name it when we see it. Raise points of order or personal explanations in meetings when you see abusive behaviour happen. Call out bad behaviour and offer alternative ways of being in community.

Yes, the people who experience the abuse are going to be the best placed to see and name it. It’s hard, but the recent US experience can give us hope that it can work. Other people of goodwill have to protect and support those who identify themselves as victims of abuse. Persons from the privileged group need to talk to the others and understand their experience so that they can be advocates for justice and peace in their church.

If you have any stories that you want to share then please use the comments section provided below.