Tag: courage

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.

 

 

Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when the stakes are high

Crucial Conversations – a book review

This is an amazing book. Patterson, et al write with an easy to read, engaging and humorous style. Yet even better than this – the content is life changing!! Based on 25 years of research Patterson and his colleagues have identified a way of communicating that saves lives, enriches personal relationships, saves corporations millions of dollars, and can even improve your health!

Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when the stakes are high is a very practical resource for people who want their organisations and relationships to be healthy and flourishing places. In addition to the value in the book, there are links to a treasure trove of videos, research and other resources. The free videos and research articles will help you learn, and to lead others in learning, how to hold crucial conversations. You can find some of them here.

What are crucial conversations?

There are three elements that are required for an interaction to be regarded as a “crucial conversation.” There has to be

  • opposing opinions – usually very strongly held views
  • strong emotions – the kind that usually causes people to flee
  • high stakes – the issues on the table are significant

Finally, of course, there can only be a conversation if someone is prepared to face the challenging situation and not avoid it. This book resources you to be the person who can help that crucial conversation to happen.

Some of the key points

  • Avoid making the “fool’s choice”. The “fool’s choice” is to imagine that there are only two alternatives.
  1. Speak up and turn someone significant to me (boss, workmate, partner, etc) into a sworn enemy. Or
  2. Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that has devastating consequences.
  • Getting into dialogue takes a conscious choice – it is hard, requires skill, and an audacious hope that there is a way through.
  • Start with what really matters to you. Avoid knee-jerk emotional responses that usually lead to negative outcomes. As Ambrose Bierce said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
  • Understand yourself. Know your style when under stress.
  • Create pools of shared meaning – get everyone to bring their best insights to the discussion. “The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.”

Who is this book for?

It may seem trite to say that this book is for everyone – but it is! However, if you are a leader then you must read this book. Leaders who want to make decisions that are effective, owned by the people in the organisation and create a positive culture will use the insights in this book every day.

At Making Church Decisions we believe in the same outcomes that are fostered through Crucial Conversations. One of the great contributions made by this book is that it develops the skills that make it possible to have safe, respectful and engaging conversations.

Consensus building needs the sharing of all insights and experiences relevant to a decision. Yet people often flee from such conversations because of the culture of a group or the power of people in the system.  By using the skills in this book you will be able to keep the dialogue going when there are opposing positions,  emotions are strong, and the stakes are high.

In future posts, I will unpack some specific ideas from the book Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when the stakes are high.

Enough! It’s time to show some courage.

Where are the leaders who are ready to show some courage? Where are those who will risk losing everything for the sake of the reign of God?

People are tired of the fighting

I talk with a lot of people from around the world. Many come from churches where there are major disputes. Most Christians are sick and tired of the aggressive, disrespectful way in which debates happen. So, they want leaders who will find a way to resolve problems in the church without trying to control and remove their opponents.

Framing debates as “yes” or “no”; “left” or “right”; “liberal” or “conservative” is not helping. Forcing people to argue from the extremes is proving to be ineffective in resolving conflict. Yet people in many churches seem to be rewarded for being warriors for their extreme position. However this is alienating for people inside and outside the church.

People are looking for leaders who have courage. The church needs people who have the courage to take the risk of not fighting! People in the pews are tired of the paralysis that afflicts their church when disagreements go on and on.

What does courage look like?

Courage is being prepared to

  • give up my desire to control others
  • value relationships over power
  • trust that God knows best and so be open to change
  • believe that God desires the unity of his family
  • acknowledge that I have made God in my own image when God hates all the same people that I do
  • do unto others as I would have them do to me
  • love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me

Please add to this list from your own heart. What is hard for you to do in support of fostering a faithful, loving, quality Christian community?

Seek relationships instead of control

The only way to get past the paralysis that comes from hyper partisanship is by seeing the other person as a fellow human being.

There are many examples of where constructive and life giving options have been generated as people stop seeking control and work on the relationship. Perhaps the most powerful and common example is in divorces and setting up parenting plans. When a couple have a toxic relationship it harms the children; makes them bitter for longer; it is destructive and costly; makes later adaptations to the plan difficult;  and limits the number of options. As couples focus on the children and take time to understand the needs of the other person, they generate better solutions that are easier to live with.

It’s the same for disputes in the wider society and the church. Of course it is not easy for people to just switch off their desire for control – that’s why mediators are needed. It isn’t easy for some Christians to stop wanting to demonise their opponents and to get their way -that’s why facilitators are needed. Taking up the alternative of showing respect, de-escalating the tension and looking for alternative solutions does not come easy.

Seek relationships over control. You don’t have to change your mind on the issues in dispute. But you should change your attitude to the other person and the issue.

Will people seek relationships over control?

I like to think that the Holy Spirit will make it possible! But faith is an act of will, as much as it is a gift of grace. People have to choose to be obedient to Christ.

God has created a community through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. We are incorporated into that community through trusting (faith) in what God has done in Jesus. Our responsibility as disciples is to live in this community that gathers around Christ. This community is our primary identity. It is God’s will that we be one for the sake of the witness of Christ in the world.

When we are convinced that the quality of our discipleship as Christians is more important to God than our opinions on theological and ethical issues then we will choose relationships over control. The early observers of Christians did not say “Look at those Christians – see how they agree with one another.” Rather it was said “Look at those Christians – see how they love one another.”

People will seek relationships over control when they have the courage to believe the Gospel that we are one in Jesus Christ. However, this unity is not achieved by what we do, but by what God has done in Jesus Christ.

Does it happen in real life?

It is somewhat sad, but perhaps encouraging, that most of the examples of success come from outside the church. It is encouraging because if fighting spouses, political enemies, and hostile opponents on moral issues in society can do it then Christians should find it easier.

People move from control to relationships when they:

  • know that the present way of working is destructive
  • have a hope that things can work better
  • have a unifying principle, eg being citizens, family, fellow believers, etc
  • show courage by giving up power
  • habit disrupting rules are put in place
  • firm structures are put in place
  • thoughtful questions are offered

Mark Gerzon in The Reunited States of America, offers numerous examples of community organisations that are helping people to make the move from hyper partisan and aggressive approaches to healthy and respectful discussions. I recommend that you buy the book.

You can also look up some previous posts on this site for how change can happen, for example here. Or find examples of where and how change has happened in The Church Guide For Making Decisions Together.

Be of good courage, keep the faith, hold strong to the calling that you have in Jesus Christ.