Month: March 2018

Top 5 Resources for Courageous Conversations

How prepared are you for your next courageous conversations?

In these anxious times, we all face important decisions.  The way we speak and listen to one another makes the difference between simply making a point and discerning the future.

Here is a list of books that I find useful to foster dialogue and discernment within faith communities. Courageous conversations don’t just happen – they are led.

Turning to One Another:  Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future Meg Wheatley

When was the last time that you had conversations with a group that were transformational?  This delightful book reminds us that conversation is a holy endeavor.  Meg Wheatley states that we can change the world if we start listening to one another again.  Simple, honest, human conversations.

It is a sad commentary on today that most people would rather send a text than engage in conversations with others about things that really matter.  Most of us have not been trained in how to have a respectful exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. An indictment of modern families is that they have not modelled healthy conversations and connections. This results in competition rather than collaboration!

Wheatly gives a basic structure to dialogue that generates creative options and strengthens relationships. She reminds us that conversation can be messy but a meaningful pursuit. Get the book here.

Fierce Conversations:  Achieving Success at Work and In Life, One Conversation at a Time Susan Scott

Scott defines “fierce” as robust, intense, strong, powerful and passionate.  When was the last time you took part in such a conversation?

This book reads like a roadmap to learning healthy ways to connect with one another so as to exchange ideas and viewpoints in healthy ways. Conversations are the work of a leader and the workhorse of an organization. They can lead to real, sustainable change that people can support.  Fierce conversation shifts trust toward a deeper level where people move beyond their activities and opinions to focus on results.

The author provides practical techniques and assignments that:

– overcome barriers to meaningful communication

– enrich relationships and expand your confidence

– increase clarity and improve understanding

– handle strong emotions (yours and others)

This guide reads easily and can transform the way you interact with others! Buy the book now.

The Art of Focused Conversation: 100 Ways to Access Group Wisdom in the Workplace R. Brian Stanfield (Ed)

What I appreciate most about this resources is

  • various scenarios and situations are listed
  • a simple outline to open a conversation
  • excellent questions to exchange ideas and make decisions
  • a closing exercise.

Stanfield organizes questions into 4 categories: Objective, Reflective, Interpretive and Decisional.  These different types of questions foster a healthy exchange of ideas and thoughts that move beyond the yes and no variety so prevalent in society.

This is an extremely practical resource to have on your shelf – you will reference it often.

How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey

Kegan and Lahey provide 7 languages for transformation that help you get what you need in your exchanges with others.  The 7 languages are shifts in the way we communicate that are vital to mutual understanding and accomplishing goals:

1. From the Language of Complaint to Commitment

2.  From the Language of Blame to Personal Responsibility

3.  From the Language of Resolutions to Competing Commitments

4. From the Language of Assumptions to Diagnose Resistance to Change

5.  From the Language of Prize and Praises to Ongoing Regard

6.  From the Language of Roles and Policies to Public Agreement

7.  From the Language of Deconstructive Criticism to Constructive Criticism

This masterpiece provides a positive viewpoint on how to interact with others in an honest, vital and transformational manner.  It is a must-read for Pastors and Lay chairs of committees.

The World Cafe: Shaping our Futures through Conversations that Matter Juanita Brown with David Isaacs

This is a fun guide to understanding Appreciative Inquiry that supports the belief that we can only be wise together.  The authors draw on the wisdom of the World Cafe community and outline a simple process to guide conversations that foster collaborative dialogue, sharing knowledge, and discovering new opportunities for action. The process can be adapted to any size group or culture.  It provides core principles for hosting meaningful conversations that shape a shared future:

a.  Set the Context

b.  Create Hospitable Space

C.  Exploring Options that Matter

d.  Encouraging Everyone’s Contribution

e.  Connect Diverse Perspectives

f.  Listen Together for Patterns and Insights

g. Harvest  New Directions/Discoveries

From my experience, this method is extremely helpful in discovering new avenues of ministry into your community based on your assets and gifts.  This book should be required reading for any Christian leader concerned about the future of their community and witness.  It is clear, concise, and powerful! Buy the book here.

I would love to hear what books and articles that you find help in making courageous conversations possible. Please share your titles and reviews in the comments section.

Communication in the groan zone

Communication is important at any stage in a group decision-making process. But to get through the groan zone requires special attention to your communication and leadership.

  The Groan Zone

Signs that you are in the groan zone

  • it seems that the discussion is going around in circles
  • misunderstandings and miscommunication abound
  • tensions are rising as people press for a solution when none seem obvious
  • people are defensive, short tempered and insensitive
  • exasperation, confusion, frustration, boredom and aggravation are present

The groan zone is the most difficult place in the process of group decision-making. Yet it is the essential bridge on the way from a wide collection of divergent ideas to the development of an agreed decision.

The dynamics of group decision-making

When discussion commences on a new topic what usually happens is that people start with a “business as usual” approach. So the first ideas are familiar opinions. Suggestions are usually to follow a well known path – even if it is known not to work!

Stage two is possible when the culture and practices of the group encourage the sharing of different perspectives. This is where different approaches and life experiences can be shared; “left field” ideas get floated; and new insights can come forward. At this point the thinking of the participants is becoming more divergent – the range of the discussion is widening, looking less controlled, the possible outcomes expanding and the end point less certain.

Stage three is the groan zone – more on this later.

Stage four is where the ideas of people start to coalesce and come closer together. The thinking of the group is converging. From being like the wide end of a funnel it gradually narrows down to a clear point from which a solution can emerge.

Stage five is the decision point – all these divergent ideas from the start of the process have converged to one agreed point of decision.

Communication in the groan zone

As a group moves into the place of greatest divergence in its thinking, and least clarity about where this is all going, there are key communication messages. The first responsibility of a facilitator or leader is to encourage people to hang in there.

People don’t like uncertainty. They stress out when they think that a process is not going anywhere. They get angry if they see a solution and other people keep slowing things down by talking about “other stuff”. Therefore many people want to get out of this space as fast as possible. So they simplify things too quickly – rushing  prematurely to a decision.

When people experience discomfort in a process they often judge the group to be dysfunctional and the / or the process to be bad. Communication that helps people to see that this phase is normal and necessary encourages them to stay with it for a bit longer. The groan zone is a direct and inevitable consequence of the diversity that exists in a group. Assure people that this cluster of many ideas and perspectives are the ground from which a solution will come.

Communication strategies

  • When people are rambling – paraphrase what they are saying
  • If there are misunderstandings and miscommunication ask open questions or check with people what they have said
  • Where people press for a premature solution ask what areas of the discussion this solution may not be taking into account
  • Encouraging empathy and supporting openness are responses to defensiveness, short tempers and insensitivity
  • Explore the sources of exasperation, seek clarity and respect feelings

The goals of your communication strategy

People have to sit with the tensions and the desire to “get this over with” that is inherent in a group discernment process. It is by spending sufficient time growing insight and understanding of one another and our ideas that make it possible to see common ground.

Therefore the key goals of your communication strategy in the groan zone are to encourage patience, enable perseverance and to foster tolerance. By using your communication skills to create this culture in the group you create the space for the process goals to be achieved.

The process goals are increased understanding of one another, recognition of options that meet the needs of more people in the group, and beginning to explore for common ground. Convergence will not happen unless the leader makes the groan zone a tolerable experience. It will always be hard but it can always be worse!

Conclusion

Group decision-making provides the most creative, effective and long term successful form of decision-making. However the path is not a straight line. First there must be an expansion of the conversation from the familiar to the new. Later these new insights will be incorporated into a solution that will be reflected in a well supported decision. The link between the divergence phase and the convergence phase is the groan zone. Here the disparate pieces are processed, the common ground discovered and collaboration is fostered – community is built! There are many resources available for how to build consensus through this stage. Please avoid the trap of pressing for premature agreement just because it gets a bit too hard.

11 tips to make church meetings work well

Church Meetings. Most people dread going to them. They tend to run long, easily get off course or do not accomplish goals. Time is precious and people’s patience is running low. Yet meetings matter – they are an essential tool in how the world works. It has been estimated that there are 25 million meetings a day in the USA, and 85 million world wide!

A better way for church meetings

Sometimes doing the simple things well can make a huge difference to the value of your meetings. Getting the basics right makes your meetings effective and your participants satisfied. Try these simple steps to make your next meeting productive and worthwhile for all involved.

Prepare for your meetings!

Let people know in advance when the meeting will take place and what the agenda will be. Always distribute the agenda in advance! Yes and send out written reports with any recommendations / proposals that will be put to the meeting. The more information you can share in advance the better.

Select a comfortable location – definitely not church pews! Can people see the faces of all who are present – not just the back of their head? Does the Chair of the meeting have a good line of sight to everyone in the room? A Chairperson needs to be able to pick up the non verbal cues as well as look at people when they speak. Are people going to end the meeting with a bad back because the seats are only good to sit on for 30 minutes?  Attention to the way a meeting space is set up facilitates good communication and attention.

If you are the Chair of the meeting be prepared and ready. We all understand that the Chair needs to be across the agenda. But s/he also needs to have given a lot of thought to the processes that will be used for each item of business. Use different methods for discussion based on the sensitivity, complexity, newness of the business. Not all business is created equal!

Some meeting do’s and don’ts

Here are some things to consider so that the flow of your meeting is productive:

Do’s

  • As leaders gather, have a short time of fellowship. Offering tea or coffee helps set a relaxed tone and gives people the opportunity to catch-up with one another.
  • Begin with prayer and a time of centring. This practice serves to give participants a sense of the holy in the midst of their work.
  • Foster active participation. Allowing people a chance to form pairs to discuss a matter before having floor discussion helps introverts contribute and feel valued.
  • Consider another way of making decisions rather than always using Robert’s Rules of Order.  These 1863 meeting procedures were designed as rules of engagement in arbitration. Yikes! I recommend that you read our book The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together to learn other ways of reaching decisions.
  • Seek common ground to make decisions.  Be sure that your leaders consider their values as they explore and reach a final position on an issue.
  • Do the administrative tasks at the end of the meeting.  The Treasurer’s Finacial Report, Staff Reports can all be done before adjournment.
  • End on time – this is crucial.

Don’ts:

  • Skip reading the minutes of the last meeting. They should have been reviewed in advance by leaders and can be simply approved if there are no revisions.
  • Go over and over the same material. When people get bogged down on the specifics tensions rise. Consider a short break or change of approach.
  • There are people in every group who like to speak, and they do – often. Prevent people from dominating or manipulating the conversation. To break this cycle, thank them for their comment and say: “Is there anyone else who would like to contribute to this discussion?” Break eye contact with the person who is speaking too often. If the problem persists, speak to them in private after the meeting.
  • Don’t try to do it all yourself! A good leader will invite a person skilled in facilitation to guide a part of the meeting when it is complex, there is potential for a perception of bias or conflict of interest, or it is emotionally demanding. They know various approaches that foster good process and decisions.

Focus!

I know these suggestions seem basic, but they are often overlooked when a group comes together to make decisions. It is my hope that your next meeting will be engaging and productive. With a little bit of effort, it can be!