Author: Julia Wallace

Julia is a layperson in the United Methodist Church, USA who works in Mediation and Conflict Transformation. She is co-author of the book: "The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together."

Questions that foster conversation

Preparing for meetings – questions matter!

When preparing for an important meeting, most leaders focus their valuable time on preparing the agenda and ensuring that the workspace is ready for participants.  As important as these tasks are to the success of the meeting, there is another task just as important – if not more so. Selecting a good question to guide a conversation and support healthy decision making. In fact, the right questions foster vital conversation and connection!

Asking the right question is not always easy. Some questions are better than others. Sometimes they shut down conversation and creativity.  Questions can create winners and losers by dividing the group.  Often a question is closed – leaving only a “yes” or “no” response available. Yet, the best question will move us beyond a simple “yes” or “no” answer to surface our shared feelings, facts, experience and impact. Learning the difference and applying the lessons will make you a better leader.

Review the following categories of questions and examples to use with your leadership group when working through your next important issue. These questions can foster synergistic conversation and lead to creative options as you search for decisions.

Types of Questions

There are 4 basic types of question that you can ask:

1.  Objective

2.  Reflective

3.  Interpretive

4.  Decision

A good discussion will use each of these types of questions to guide the conversation.

Objective Questions

Objective questions focus on data and facts.  They help focus people’s attention on the relevant details to be considered when making a decision. Here are some examples of an objective question.

  • What opportunities can you see in this situation?
  • Are there assumptions that we need to test or challenge here in thinking about this matter?
  • Why is it important to us to make this decision at this time?
  • Who will be affected by this decision?

Reflective questions

A reflective question will help people get in touch with their internal response to the issue before them for consideration.  Here are a couple of examples:

  • What opportunities can you see in this situation?
  • Is there a part of this proposal that makes you feel like cheering?  Excites you?
  • In a word:  what does it feel like to be in this situation?
  • Does this proposal makes you angry? Sceptical? Frustrated?
  • What does this proposal accomplish for you? Why is it important?
  • Share what has real meaning for you from what you have heard so far?  Have you been surprised?  How? What challenged you?
  • As you make this decision – what values do you hold dear ?

Interpretive Questions

An interpretive question helps make sense or give meaning to the proposal under consideration.  Here are a couple of examples:

  • What is the intent of this proposal?  Please tell us what you see as the key points?
  • What additional questions does this proposal raise for you?  How would you answer them?
  • Will this proposal accomplish its purpose?
  • What has been your/our major learning, insight, or discovery so far?
  • If this proposal is to get your support, what changes do you recommend?
  • What needs our immediate attention going forward?
  • What are the pros and cons of this option?
  • Does this option deal effectively with the issue before us?

Decision Questions

Decision questions draw you closer to a resolution by naming the implications for this new direction.  Some questions in this category include:

  • Share with us what you think it would take to create change on this issue?
  • In this proposal what are you willing to commit to accomplishing?
  • What does this proposal call forth from us?  What is it beckoning us to be or do?
  • How can we support one another in taking the next steps? Can you tell us what contribution you are willing to make?
  • What is the impact of this decision on our life?  What consequences will you need to be prepared to face?

Healthy conversations are nurtured!

It is important to devote adequate time to choosing or crafting questions that can support a group deliberating together on an important matter.  Most leaders simply put a proposal before a group with the words:  “well, what do you think?”  This doesn’t help a group to discuss the heart and soul of an issue or to make a decision that they can live with in the future.

Take adequate time in selecting the questions that will guide your group as it makes its next decision.  Be sure that they include conversation starters that focus on facts, feelings, relations and implementation.  This way you will not need to revisit decisions at a later time for reconsideration.

 

 

 

 

Top 5 Resources for Courageous Conversations

How prepared are you for your next courageous conversations?

In these anxious times, we all face important decisions.  The way we speak and listen to one another makes the difference between simply making a point and discerning the future.

Here is a list of books that I find useful to foster dialogue and discernment within faith communities. Courageous conversations don’t just happen – they are led.

Turning to One Another:  Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future Meg Wheatley

When was the last time that you had conversations with a group that were transformational?  This delightful book reminds us that conversation is a holy endeavor.  Meg Wheatley states that we can change the world if we start listening to one another again.  Simple, honest, human conversations.

It is a sad commentary on today that most people would rather send a text than engage in conversations with others about things that really matter.  Most of us have not been trained in how to have a respectful exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. An indictment of modern families is that they have not modelled healthy conversations and connections. This results in competition rather than collaboration!

Wheatly gives a basic structure to dialogue that generates creative options and strengthens relationships. She reminds us that conversation can be messy but a meaningful pursuit. Get the book here.

Fierce Conversations:  Achieving Success at Work and In Life, One Conversation at a Time Susan Scott

Scott defines “fierce” as robust, intense, strong, powerful and passionate.  When was the last time you took part in such a conversation?

This book reads like a roadmap to learning healthy ways to connect with one another so as to exchange ideas and viewpoints in healthy ways. Conversations are the work of a leader and the workhorse of an organization. They can lead to real, sustainable change that people can support.  Fierce conversation shifts trust toward a deeper level where people move beyond their activities and opinions to focus on results.

The author provides practical techniques and assignments that:

– overcome barriers to meaningful communication

– enrich relationships and expand your confidence

– increase clarity and improve understanding

– handle strong emotions (yours and others)

This guide reads easily and can transform the way you interact with others! Buy the book now.

The Art of Focused Conversation: 100 Ways to Access Group Wisdom in the Workplace R. Brian Stanfield (Ed)

What I appreciate most about this resources is

  • various scenarios and situations are listed
  • a simple outline to open a conversation
  • excellent questions to exchange ideas and make decisions
  • a closing exercise.

Stanfield organizes questions into 4 categories: Objective, Reflective, Interpretive and Decisional.  These different types of questions foster a healthy exchange of ideas and thoughts that move beyond the yes and no variety so prevalent in society.

This is an extremely practical resource to have on your shelf – you will reference it often.

How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey

Kegan and Lahey provide 7 languages for transformation that help you get what you need in your exchanges with others.  The 7 languages are shifts in the way we communicate that are vital to mutual understanding and accomplishing goals:

1. From the Language of Complaint to Commitment

2.  From the Language of Blame to Personal Responsibility

3.  From the Language of Resolutions to Competing Commitments

4. From the Language of Assumptions to Diagnose Resistance to Change

5.  From the Language of Prize and Praises to Ongoing Regard

6.  From the Language of Roles and Policies to Public Agreement

7.  From the Language of Deconstructive Criticism to Constructive Criticism

This masterpiece provides a positive viewpoint on how to interact with others in an honest, vital and transformational manner.  It is a must-read for Pastors and Lay chairs of committees.

The World Cafe: Shaping our Futures through Conversations that Matter Juanita Brown with David Isaacs

This is a fun guide to understanding Appreciative Inquiry that supports the belief that we can only be wise together.  The authors draw on the wisdom of the World Cafe community and outline a simple process to guide conversations that foster collaborative dialogue, sharing knowledge, and discovering new opportunities for action. The process can be adapted to any size group or culture.  It provides core principles for hosting meaningful conversations that shape a shared future:

a.  Set the Context

b.  Create Hospitable Space

C.  Exploring Options that Matter

d.  Encouraging Everyone’s Contribution

e.  Connect Diverse Perspectives

f.  Listen Together for Patterns and Insights

g. Harvest  New Directions/Discoveries

From my experience, this method is extremely helpful in discovering new avenues of ministry into your community based on your assets and gifts.  This book should be required reading for any Christian leader concerned about the future of their community and witness.  It is clear, concise, and powerful! Buy the book here.

I would love to hear what books and articles that you find help in making courageous conversations possible. Please share your titles and reviews in the comments section.

11 tips to make church meetings work well

Church Meetings. Most people dread going to them. They tend to run long, easily get off course or do not accomplish goals. Time is precious and people’s patience is running low. Yet meetings matter – they are an essential tool in how the world works. It has been estimated that there are 25 million meetings a day in the USA, and 85 million world wide!

A better way for church meetings

Sometimes doing the simple things well can make a huge difference to the value of your meetings. Getting the basics right makes your meetings effective and your participants satisfied. Try these simple steps to make your next meeting productive and worthwhile for all involved.

Prepare for your meetings!

Let people know in advance when the meeting will take place and what the agenda will be. Always distribute the agenda in advance! Yes and send out written reports with any recommendations / proposals that will be put to the meeting. The more information you can share in advance the better.

Select a comfortable location – definitely not church pews! Can people see the faces of all who are present – not just the back of their head? Does the Chair of the meeting have a good line of sight to everyone in the room? A Chairperson needs to be able to pick up the non verbal cues as well as look at people when they speak. Are people going to end the meeting with a bad back because the seats are only good to sit on for 30 minutes?  Attention to the way a meeting space is set up facilitates good communication and attention.

If you are the Chair of the meeting be prepared and ready. We all understand that the Chair needs to be across the agenda. But s/he also needs to have given a lot of thought to the processes that will be used for each item of business. Use different methods for discussion based on the sensitivity, complexity, newness of the business. Not all business is created equal!

Some meeting do’s and don’ts

Here are some things to consider so that the flow of your meeting is productive:

Do’s

  • As leaders gather, have a short time of fellowship. Offering tea or coffee helps set a relaxed tone and gives people the opportunity to catch-up with one another.
  • Begin with prayer and a time of centring. This practice serves to give participants a sense of the holy in the midst of their work.
  • Foster active participation. Allowing people a chance to form pairs to discuss a matter before having floor discussion helps introverts contribute and feel valued.
  • Consider another way of making decisions rather than always using Robert’s Rules of Order.  These 1863 meeting procedures were designed as rules of engagement in arbitration. Yikes! I recommend that you read our book The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together to learn other ways of reaching decisions.
  • Seek common ground to make decisions.  Be sure that your leaders consider their values as they explore and reach a final position on an issue.
  • Do the administrative tasks at the end of the meeting.  The Treasurer’s Finacial Report, Staff Reports can all be done before adjournment.
  • End on time – this is crucial.

Don’ts:

  • Skip reading the minutes of the last meeting. They should have been reviewed in advance by leaders and can be simply approved if there are no revisions.
  • Go over and over the same material. When people get bogged down on the specifics tensions rise. Consider a short break or change of approach.
  • There are people in every group who like to speak, and they do – often. Prevent people from dominating or manipulating the conversation. To break this cycle, thank them for their comment and say: “Is there anyone else who would like to contribute to this discussion?” Break eye contact with the person who is speaking too often. If the problem persists, speak to them in private after the meeting.
  • Don’t try to do it all yourself! A good leader will invite a person skilled in facilitation to guide a part of the meeting when it is complex, there is potential for a perception of bias or conflict of interest, or it is emotionally demanding. They know various approaches that foster good process and decisions.

Focus!

I know these suggestions seem basic, but they are often overlooked when a group comes together to make decisions. It is my hope that your next meeting will be engaging and productive. With a little bit of effort, it can be!

 

When to use a facilitator

Situations that deserve a third party facilitator

Determining when you need a neutral third party facilitator is an important leadership task.  In times of transition or in situations where the stakes are high, inviting a third party to facilitate a process with your group can make a positive difference.  Facilitators can model the skillsets necessary for your group to improve their interactions with one another.

If you recognize any of these situations in your organization, you may need the services of a third party:

  • Emotional level between parties is high with anger and frustration
  • Communication is poor
  • Stereotypical views of positions and motives are preventing resolution
  • Behavior is negative
  • Conflict is at a high level
  • Parties cannot agree on what information is relevant or required
  • Various issues are present or the matter is complex
  • Values differ greatly and parties disagree on what is fundamentally right
  • The task before you make you realise that “this is beyond us”

What is a third party facilitator?

A third party is a trained leader who is recognized for their ability to work well with a group. They get results.  Examples of a third party leader may be a Mediator, Litigator, or Process Facilitator.  They have usually been certified or have completed a training program.  Most important, they have the experience necessary to lead your group through a situation successfully.

Questions for Consideration:

  • Does the person have the skills necessary to help move your group forward?
  • Where were they trained? When?
  • Can the third party provide references from past work?
  • Are they available to work with you on your schedule?
  • Is their personality a good fit for your group?

How can I find a third party facilitator?

Locating someone who has the skills your group needs is important. Ask your peers who they have used in a similar situation.  Authors of books can also make an excellent resource. You can also find the right person on the internet by researching blogs, articles, and events related to your issue or need.

Hiring a third party facilitator

  1. Form a Hiring Team with the responsibility to come up with a recommendation.
  2. Find at least three people who meet the skills you are looking for in a third party.
  3. Contact each person and explain the situation your organization is facing. Let them know that they have been recommended to you and ask if they are interested in working with your group. Answer their questions.
  4. Ask them if they are interested in making a proposal for consideration of services. Be sure that they outline their approach and provide a cost for their services. Ask them to list 2-3 references.
  5. Once you receive their proposals, have your hiring team review them. Sort the applicants into first, second and third. Check references.
  6. Arrange an interview with those your Hiring Team thinks are worth talking to in detail. Decide a clear choice.
  7. Present your top choice to your leaders for their support.
  8. Contract the work and set the timeline and budget.

Conclusion

Leaders who decide hire a Third Party Facilitator to lead their group are smart. It is not possible for local leaders to be all things to all people. Choosing an effective third party frees you to participate in the process as well as learn new skills.  Follow the steps recommended in this blog to find the right person to do the work necessary to help your group resolve issues and move forward together. You will be glad you did!

 

 

 

Alternatives to Voting

Is there another way to make a decision besides voting all the time?

Yes!  there are other ways to make a decision besides voting. Voting tends to create winners and losers. Sometimes people get their feelings hurt when their idea is not accepted by others. Try some of these other methods the next time you have an important matter to decide:

Alternative Ways to Come to a Conclusion

  1. Compromise: This method works best when there are 2 clear choices neither of which thrills everyone. In this approach, each party gives a little to the other to make the issue easier to work through together. Compromise works best when people need a relatively quick resolution, the stakes are not very high, and people are willing to trade off some of their interests for the sake of the group. Voting in this context has the potential to create an enduring division.
  2. Thinking it through as a group: This approach works well when people are willing to give the time to discuss a matter thoroughly in order to arrive at a mutually acceptable resolution. It takes a lot of listening and creativity to find an answer where most people feel comfortable.
  3. Colored Cards:  Try this approach the next time there is an important matter before your group.  Distribute 2 colored cards to each individual: orange for warm, and blue for cool.  Allow time for individuals and groups to give a short presentation on their resolution to the issue, and for the group to ask questions to be sure they understand the proposal.  After each presentation ask the group to raise a colored card to indicate if they are warm or cool to the idea that has been suggested. This is not “yes” or “no”. Rather it is providing an opportunity to be more nuanced. Help people to share what is positive about the proposal from their point of view or where they see a need to change it to make it more acceptable to them. Keep doing this approach until the idea with the highest level of support is identified.matter is decided. Encourage people to have fun with the process and focus on the idea and not the individual making the point. Be very careful not to turn the colored cards into voting cards!
  4. Standing Aside:  This approach works well when the group does not come to a clear consensus yet has a developed view on a clear way forward. Ask people if they are willing to step aside for the good of the group when it becomes clear that one answer is gaining support.
  5. One Person Decides: Try this approach the next time you are making a decision and the group seems stuck and unable to make a decision. Identify a person that the group trusts and respects; or a person with expertise on the topic and agree to let them make the decision. This is like when an arbitrator is used in settling, say, commercial, disputes. This method works well when the issue before the body is not really important, or when people accept that they do not have the expertise to make the decision themselves. However, be sure to allow plenty of time for group discussion and questions first.
  6. Show of Support: Ok, this method is really a vote, but because it is done at the same time the group makes a decision together. This approach works well when you are trying to prioritise 2-3 ideas from a list. Ask the group to brainstorm ideas to resolve a challenge. List the ideas by title on a sheet of newsprint. When all the ideas are listed and explained give everyone 5 colored dots. Invite the group to come to the idea sheet and spend their dots any way they choose. They may place 5 dots on one idea or spread them out over several ideas they like. Count the dots and circle the number of support for each title. The ones with the most support get done.
  7. Spontaneous Agreement: This approach works well after a full discussion of a choice is accomplished and the matter before the group has full support. To be sure, these times are rare but they do happen. It is most helpful when there is a feeling that the entire group backs an answer. Ask: “Is there anyone against our following this solution to our problem?” Invite people to share their perspective, then repeat the question to gauge if there is full support.

Don’t Give Up!

There are alternative ways to make a decision that do not have to divide your group. Always have a full discussion of the merits of an idea before making a decision. Encourage your leaders to practice good listening. Answer all questions carefully when raised. Finally, let people know when decisions are not final. They can always evaluate a situation later and fine-tune their options until they feel satisfied with the results.