Bullying At Church – What Is It?

What is a bully?

A bully is someone who asserts their wishes on others to the detriment of the other person. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that usually involves a power imbalance. These individuals want to get their way and control others. They can cause havoc and create conflict.

Wikipedia defines bullying as the “use of force, threat, or coercion to intimidate or dominate others.” This behavior is intentional, repetitive and habitual. Bullies tend to isolate and intimidate people they perceive as weaker. Sadly, most bullies were abused as children.

Adult bullies operate in a set behavior. They are not interested in working things out or compromising their position. They want power and domination over others. They believe that they alone know best how to do things. Bullies can be staff or members of local churches.

Different types of bullying

• Verbal: teasing,  making inappropriate comments, spreading rumors
• Social: embarrassing someone in public, leaving a person out of a decision intentionally to belittle them, or making threats (i.e. stop giving financially to the church, leave and take people with you, etc.)
• Physical: pushing another person, making rude gestures, or touching another person in an intimidating manner
• Cyber: sending email threats to staff, leaders, or members to sway them to a specific action. It tends to mention anonymous support for their solution to make others believe the problem is bigger than it is, or that they are in a stronger position than they are.

9 traits that help you to recognize bullies

Thomas S. Rainer, a healthy church consultant,  describes 9 traits to recognize bullies before they do too much damage. They tend to exert their will in the following ways:

1. See themselves as the real “heroes” who know better than others how to save the church. They are willing to fight for their outcome.
2. Have a personal or self-serving agenda – they alone know best how the church should do things. They tend to think more highly of themselves and put others down.
3. Form power alliances with people they perceive as weaker. Thhis is why they tend to triangulate staff members and leaders to conquer them.
4. Show intense and emotional personalities and can “blow up” quickly.
5. Famous for being the “storyteller” in the congregation. They claim  “people are saying…”; “If you do that then the majority of the church will leave…”; or financial giving will suffer…”; etc.
6. Thrive in churches with low expectations of members or where membership is seen as an entitlement to get your own way.
7. Grow more powerful and relentless when no one stands up to challenge them.
8. Create conflict and wreack havoc by exerting excessive force, dividing people, manipulation or making threats.
9. Move on to other churches after they have done significant damage or are forced out.

Basically, a bully says “it is my way or the highway!” They belittle others into submission or convince people to their way of thinking to keep the peace. When church staff are bullies they tend to build a fiefdom of supporters who they incite to do their work. This causes dissension.

What can be done to prevent bullying?

Remember: you have choices. When bullying exists you are either a victim, a bully, or a bystander. You are not powerless – no matter what the bullies want you to believe!

Bullying is more common in churches than most people think. The good news is that with careful attention and focused effort, bullies can be rendered powerless in your organization. Look over the following list carefully. Note what you are already doing well and celebrate it, but do not stop there. Consider adding 2-3 new things to your ministry practice to further strengthen your group.

1. Pray – don’t prey. Encourage people to pray for God’s guidance in difficult decisions rather than be swayed by the loudest voice or view in the room. Take a time out to pray about a matter rather than rushing to a vote.
2. Encourage people to speak up for themselves. Practice open, direct communication whenever possible. Use “I” statements to own opinions rather than speaking for others.  Respond rather than react. Bullies thrive where people are silent or passive.
3. Have a zero tolerance for bullying. Know what it looks and feels like.  Churches with smaller cliques where key decisions are made, or where publicly made insensitive comments are left unchallenged are at a higher risk of bullies.
4. Be a “high expectation” congregation. Be clear on what it takes to be a member. Activities such as active participation in worship and a small group is essential. Do you expect people to be annually involved in a mission project? These settings provide an opportunity to get to know one another well and strengthens the spiritual practices necessary in a faith group to treat one another well.
5. Take bullying seriously. Don’t give advice that permits bullying. Do not excuse aggressive behavior by saying: “don’t let them get to you”, “rise above it and ignore them”, or “that’s just the way they are – we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Try to restore people that bully but do not hesitate to challenge the behavior whenever it presents itself.
6. Know who handles complaints in your church. Every congregation deserves a committee or group that handles the discontent and murmurs.  Some denominations have a Staff-Parish, or Mutual Ministry team that addresses significant issues. An “Acts 6” group can be useful in helping  congregation deal with matters before they escalate into open conflict that handles the murmurs of members.
7. Create a safe environment for people to be involved in the total life of the church without being bullied. Complete a Behavioral Covenant and be sure that new members know what actions are supported by the document. Review it often and display in a public place for people to see.
8. Teach the process of descalating conflictbetween people found in Matthew 18. In the case of bullying, skip straight to the second step and provide monitors to go to the bully and be direct in what you want them to do. Let them know how their behavior is intimidating or manipulative. Ask them to stop and provide concrete ways they can be a part of the group. If they refuse to cooperate, then take it to the Church Council for appropriate action to limit the bully’s influence. It is best to lose one bully than lose several people. Exercise church discipline.
9. Vet your leaders carefully. Get to know people and recognize their talents or gifts. Put well-qualified people in positions of authority. It’s best not just to let people volunteer for a job when you do not know them well. Be clear about meeting schedules and expectations.
10. Create consequences. People should know what happens when a bully tries to exert their authority aggressively over a group. Provide a warning and name the next step. Bullies should not be allowed to hold leadership positions! It’s important to know that bullies tend to get stronger when left unchallenged.
11. Use a fair process to make decisions. ParliamentaryProcessess tend to create winners and losers in an organization. It is easy with these methods to have a loud persuasive voice carry the vote or sway a decision. Consider using a consensus building process to make decisions that encourage full participation and innovative ideas to flourish. Work toward cooperation and unity that is won through respectful discussion.
12. Train Staff. Most pastors and key leaders do not know how to handle conflict well or address obnoxious people soundly. Beware of keeping secrets and trying to deal with bullies one on one.
13. Seek help! When you find yourself in a place where you are in over your head or the situation deteriorating quickly, do not be afraid to get help. Find someone who can take care of the situation decisively. Your Judicatory leader, local school counselor, or a trained mediator can address the situation fairly. Don’t wait too long to resolve the challenge. It only gets worse.
14. Be more joyful than judicial. Bullies have a hard time influencing a group when things are going well and acknowledged.

 Conclusion

Bullies never leave or change on their own. If you know the warning signs you can reduce the chances of a bully getting into a place of power. However if they are at work, start to address the situation early.

In the post next week we look at why bullies operate in the church, some practical examples and some more ideas on what you can do to address them.