Category: Communication

Simple Steps to Break an Impasse

Have you ever been in the midst of making a decision and got stuck rather than moved forward? Often parties can discover a creative resolution to a problem by themselves. Sometimes, they reach an impasse where they cannot agree together on what to do.  A mediator or a neutral 3rd party can intervene and help to break the impasse.

Here are a few interventions which can break through an impasse

  •  Agree to stay in the process until a just resolution is found
  • Break the issue down into smaller parts and deal with the easiest first
  • Identify the goal (what do you both want to accomplish).
  • Consult an expert to supply needed facts or advice
  • Review the parties’ priorities and name common interests
  • Meet with the parties separately to explore a willingness to compromise
  • Try to get people to express what they originally expected the solution to be
  • Encourage people to acknowledge the other’s point of view and best hopes
  • Ensure the people want to end the conflict and ask for their help
  • Ask the parties to describe what the ideal solution would look like
  • As you and the others share what is important to you, you should be able to start identifying common areas and action steps
  • Focus on how the solution would affect an involved third party
  • Compliment the parties for reaching earlier points of agreement and est their willingness to compromise
  • Name the consequences of not working together
  •  Wisely use silence and questions about feelings
  • Look for points of agreement or mutual needs. Respect is something both parties usually want and is a good place to start if you are both stuck.
  • State what both parties have to lose
  • Identify the real problem or issue. Uncover the “real” issues or needs.
  • Meet in a relaxed environment with refreshments
  •  Ask open-ended questions. “How can we resolve this?”
  • Call a timeout and give a homework assignment for them to complete
  • Brainstorm options and tell them which alternative is closest to their need
  • Pray (not Prey) for each other
  • Avoid using words like, “ought” or “should.” Those are blaming words and make people defensive.
  • Look at examples of how others in a similar situation have reached a resolution
  • Work with one of the parties to break the impasse while in the company of the other

What other techniques would you add to the list?

Working through an impasse well is possible. Often, people will follow your leadership in reaching a creative solution to the challenges they face if they know that you have their best interest at heart.

Communication – let’s listen!

Communication is at the heart of any relationship. Communication is at the core of a discernment process. Most often meeting participants focus on talking. Yet effective communication requires that people take more care in listening than in talking!

Communication 101

It is a basic principle of communication that there is no communication if the recipient does not receive the information that the presenter is seeking to convey. So great care should be taken to ensure that information is presented in language, style, tone and ways that improve the chance of the other person understanding what is going on. All that makes good sense. So it should be followed by any person who wants to be an effective communicator.

However, the focus in this standard lesson about good communication is on the speaker. The speaker is the centre of attention. It is what the speaker does that is seen as the key to being a good communicator. Certainly, that is a wise point of reference. A careless communicator can ensure that the messages are lost between them and the ears or eyes of the receiver. Yet the presenter is only half of the equation. What is the responsibility of the other party to the communication?

It takes two to tango

Just like a dance goes better with two people – the same goes for communication. One dancer may lead but the other must be actively responding. A good dancing pair works together – each with different roles to produce the desired moves.

People who are receiving input have a responsibility to play their part in the communication dance. Whether you are listening to a speaker or reading written material, it’s your responsibility to pay close attention.

When you are involved in a discernment process it is imperative that you listen. In many meetings, there are too many people who want to talk but not listen. There are also people who don’t talk but don’t want to listen either! Usually, these are people who have already made up their mind and are not open to new points of view. Communication fails because one partner is not fulfilling their role – listening.

In many discernment processes, coloured cards are used as a way of responding to what has been said. The expectation is that everyone will express a response to every speaker. This practice puts listening front and centre in the process. If you are not listening then you can’t show a card. If you don’t show a card then it becomes obvious who is engaged in the process and who is not.

In the movement of presenting a view and offering a response the dance of discernment unfolds.

Tips for good listening

Pay attention to the feelings, hopes and dreams that are expressed in the words that are said. These are always more important than the words themselves when it comes to working out what people need.

Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people mess things up in how they say things. I have seen a lot of people hurt when they see more in what is said than was intended by the speaker.  Sure the lead communicator has a responsibility to be careful and clear. But nothing is lost by cutting a speaker a bit of slack when they say something that may be insensitive, misunderstanding or otherwise unhelpful. Listen for goodwill and shared goals until you have a good reason not to expect it.

Listen for the big picture. When working towards making a decision don’t only get into the nitty-gritty. As you listen ask yourself “what is the big picture here?” If you are gifted for it every meeting needs someone who can identify themes and common threads in the many different things that are being said. If you listen for these you can help a discernment process by offering summaries, reframing and suggestions for a way forward that takes up these broad themes. Summaries are a great way to move the conversation towards a decision.

Keep quiet! Keep your mind open and receptive. Stop the self-talk of rehearsing your next speech or what you are planning for the weekend. Don’t use social media during a speech. Consider whether your point has already been made before jumping in.

However, this tip is particularly for those people in a meeting who actually don’t want anyone else to have a say. They prefer their own position and by talking all the time they try to drown out other voices. There are bullies in meetings. There are people who intimidate others – sometimes without even knowing it.

Dealing with dominating people

If you are in a situation where people feel intimidated then this is a difficult challenge. I encourage you to think of the ways through which you can increase their silence and bolster the courage of those they intimidate.

One option might be to go around the group and ask everyone to offer something to the discussion. For some issues, a leader could write up the comments – or maybe the themes that are emerging. This gives visibility to all opinions, reduces the input of the bully and builds a team approach to resolving the issue. Discussion in smaller groups and sharing the outcome can also encourage voices because it depersonalises the points that are brought forward. As such it gives people a little protection and means that they don’t stand alone with their point of view.

Leaders – listen for the group dynamics and address those that are unhealthy or unhelpful. If the techniques that enhance inclusion do not work then the bully needs to be confronted in an appropriate way. Church meetings are exercises in the expression of discipleship. We should not let people get away with behaviour in a meeting that would be unacceptable at morning tea after worship.

Conclusion

Good communication is essential in our meetings. By learning to be a good listener you are making an invaluable contribution to the developing discernment of the group. When we listen the Holy Spirit can move and God’s leading unfold before our very eyes.

Questions that foster conversation

Preparing for meetings – questions matter!

When preparing for an important meeting, most leaders focus their valuable time on preparing the agenda and ensuring that the workspace is ready for participants.  As important as these tasks are to the success of the meeting, there is another task just as important – if not more so. Selecting a good question to guide a conversation and support healthy decision making. In fact, the right questions foster vital conversation and connection!

Asking the right question is not always easy. Some questions are better than others. Sometimes they shut down conversation and creativity.  Questions can create winners and losers by dividing the group.  Often a question is closed – leaving only a “yes” or “no” response available. Yet, the best question will move us beyond a simple “yes” or “no” answer to surface our shared feelings, facts, experience and impact. Learning the difference and applying the lessons will make you a better leader.

Review the following categories of questions and examples to use with your leadership group when working through your next important issue. These questions can foster synergistic conversation and lead to creative options as you search for decisions.

Types of Questions

There are 4 basic types of question that you can ask:

1.  Objective

2.  Reflective

3.  Interpretive

4.  Decision

A good discussion will use each of these types of questions to guide the conversation.

Objective Questions

Objective questions focus on data and facts.  They help focus people’s attention on the relevant details to be considered when making a decision. Here are some examples of an objective question.

  • What opportunities can you see in this situation?
  • Are there assumptions that we need to test or challenge here in thinking about this matter?
  • Why is it important to us to make this decision at this time?
  • Who will be affected by this decision?

Reflective questions

A reflective question will help people get in touch with their internal response to the issue before them for consideration.  Here are a couple of examples:

  • What opportunities can you see in this situation?
  • Is there a part of this proposal that makes you feel like cheering?  Excites you?
  • In a word:  what does it feel like to be in this situation?
  • Does this proposal makes you angry? Sceptical? Frustrated?
  • What does this proposal accomplish for you? Why is it important?
  • Share what has real meaning for you from what you have heard so far?  Have you been surprised?  How? What challenged you?
  • As you make this decision – what values do you hold dear ?

Interpretive Questions

An interpretive question helps make sense or give meaning to the proposal under consideration.  Here are a couple of examples:

  • What is the intent of this proposal?  Please tell us what you see as the key points?
  • What additional questions does this proposal raise for you?  How would you answer them?
  • Will this proposal accomplish its purpose?
  • What has been your/our major learning, insight, or discovery so far?
  • If this proposal is to get your support, what changes do you recommend?
  • What needs our immediate attention going forward?
  • What are the pros and cons of this option?
  • Does this option deal effectively with the issue before us?

Decision Questions

Decision questions draw you closer to a resolution by naming the implications for this new direction.  Some questions in this category include:

  • Share with us what you think it would take to create change on this issue?
  • In this proposal what are you willing to commit to accomplishing?
  • What does this proposal call forth from us?  What is it beckoning us to be or do?
  • How can we support one another in taking the next steps? Can you tell us what contribution you are willing to make?
  • What is the impact of this decision on our life?  What consequences will you need to be prepared to face?

Healthy conversations are nurtured!

It is important to devote adequate time to choosing or crafting questions that can support a group deliberating together on an important matter.  Most leaders simply put a proposal before a group with the words:  “well, what do you think?”  This doesn’t help a group to discuss the heart and soul of an issue or to make a decision that they can live with in the future.

Take adequate time in selecting the questions that will guide your group as it makes its next decision.  Be sure that they include conversation starters that focus on facts, feelings, relations and implementation.  This way you will not need to revisit decisions at a later time for reconsideration.

 

 

 

 

Top 5 Resources for Courageous Conversations

How prepared are you for your next courageous conversations?

In these anxious times, we all face important decisions.  The way we speak and listen to one another makes the difference between simply making a point and discerning the future.

Here is a list of books that I find useful to foster dialogue and discernment within faith communities. Courageous conversations don’t just happen – they are led.

Turning to One Another:  Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future Meg Wheatley

When was the last time that you had conversations with a group that were transformational?  This delightful book reminds us that conversation is a holy endeavor.  Meg Wheatley states that we can change the world if we start listening to one another again.  Simple, honest, human conversations.

It is a sad commentary on today that most people would rather send a text than engage in conversations with others about things that really matter.  Most of us have not been trained in how to have a respectful exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. An indictment of modern families is that they have not modelled healthy conversations and connections. This results in competition rather than collaboration!

Wheatly gives a basic structure to dialogue that generates creative options and strengthens relationships. She reminds us that conversation can be messy but a meaningful pursuit. Get the book here.

Fierce Conversations:  Achieving Success at Work and In Life, One Conversation at a Time Susan Scott

Scott defines “fierce” as robust, intense, strong, powerful and passionate.  When was the last time you took part in such a conversation?

This book reads like a roadmap to learning healthy ways to connect with one another so as to exchange ideas and viewpoints in healthy ways. Conversations are the work of a leader and the workhorse of an organization. They can lead to real, sustainable change that people can support.  Fierce conversation shifts trust toward a deeper level where people move beyond their activities and opinions to focus on results.

The author provides practical techniques and assignments that:

– overcome barriers to meaningful communication

– enrich relationships and expand your confidence

– increase clarity and improve understanding

– handle strong emotions (yours and others)

This guide reads easily and can transform the way you interact with others! Buy the book now.

The Art of Focused Conversation: 100 Ways to Access Group Wisdom in the Workplace R. Brian Stanfield (Ed)

What I appreciate most about this resources is

  • various scenarios and situations are listed
  • a simple outline to open a conversation
  • excellent questions to exchange ideas and make decisions
  • a closing exercise.

Stanfield organizes questions into 4 categories: Objective, Reflective, Interpretive and Decisional.  These different types of questions foster a healthy exchange of ideas and thoughts that move beyond the yes and no variety so prevalent in society.

This is an extremely practical resource to have on your shelf – you will reference it often.

How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey

Kegan and Lahey provide 7 languages for transformation that help you get what you need in your exchanges with others.  The 7 languages are shifts in the way we communicate that are vital to mutual understanding and accomplishing goals:

1. From the Language of Complaint to Commitment

2.  From the Language of Blame to Personal Responsibility

3.  From the Language of Resolutions to Competing Commitments

4. From the Language of Assumptions to Diagnose Resistance to Change

5.  From the Language of Prize and Praises to Ongoing Regard

6.  From the Language of Roles and Policies to Public Agreement

7.  From the Language of Deconstructive Criticism to Constructive Criticism

This masterpiece provides a positive viewpoint on how to interact with others in an honest, vital and transformational manner.  It is a must-read for Pastors and Lay chairs of committees.

The World Cafe: Shaping our Futures through Conversations that Matter Juanita Brown with David Isaacs

This is a fun guide to understanding Appreciative Inquiry that supports the belief that we can only be wise together.  The authors draw on the wisdom of the World Cafe community and outline a simple process to guide conversations that foster collaborative dialogue, sharing knowledge, and discovering new opportunities for action. The process can be adapted to any size group or culture.  It provides core principles for hosting meaningful conversations that shape a shared future:

a.  Set the Context

b.  Create Hospitable Space

C.  Exploring Options that Matter

d.  Encouraging Everyone’s Contribution

e.  Connect Diverse Perspectives

f.  Listen Together for Patterns and Insights

g. Harvest  New Directions/Discoveries

From my experience, this method is extremely helpful in discovering new avenues of ministry into your community based on your assets and gifts.  This book should be required reading for any Christian leader concerned about the future of their community and witness.  It is clear, concise, and powerful! Buy the book here.

I would love to hear what books and articles that you find help in making courageous conversations possible. Please share your titles and reviews in the comments section.

Communication in the groan zone

Communication is important at any stage in a group decision-making process. But to get through the groan zone requires special attention to your communication and leadership.

  The Groan Zone

Signs that you are in the groan zone

  • it seems that the discussion is going around in circles
  • misunderstandings and miscommunication abound
  • tensions are rising as people press for a solution when none seem obvious
  • people are defensive, short tempered and insensitive
  • exasperation, confusion, frustration, boredom and aggravation are present

The groan zone is the most difficult place in the process of group decision-making. Yet it is the essential bridge on the way from a wide collection of divergent ideas to the development of an agreed decision.

The dynamics of group decision-making

When discussion commences on a new topic what usually happens is that people start with a “business as usual” approach. So the first ideas are familiar opinions. Suggestions are usually to follow a well known path – even if it is known not to work!

Stage two is possible when the culture and practices of the group encourage the sharing of different perspectives. This is where different approaches and life experiences can be shared; “left field” ideas get floated; and new insights can come forward. At this point the thinking of the participants is becoming more divergent – the range of the discussion is widening, looking less controlled, the possible outcomes expanding and the end point less certain.

Stage three is the groan zone – more on this later.

Stage four is where the ideas of people start to coalesce and come closer together. The thinking of the group is converging. From being like the wide end of a funnel it gradually narrows down to a clear point from which a solution can emerge.

Stage five is the decision point – all these divergent ideas from the start of the process have converged to one agreed point of decision.

Communication in the groan zone

As a group moves into the place of greatest divergence in its thinking, and least clarity about where this is all going, there are key communication messages. The first responsibility of a facilitator or leader is to encourage people to hang in there.

People don’t like uncertainty. They stress out when they think that a process is not going anywhere. They get angry if they see a solution and other people keep slowing things down by talking about “other stuff”. Therefore many people want to get out of this space as fast as possible. So they simplify things too quickly – rushing  prematurely to a decision.

When people experience discomfort in a process they often judge the group to be dysfunctional and the / or the process to be bad. Communication that helps people to see that this phase is normal and necessary encourages them to stay with it for a bit longer. The groan zone is a direct and inevitable consequence of the diversity that exists in a group. Assure people that this cluster of many ideas and perspectives are the ground from which a solution will come.

Communication strategies

  • When people are rambling – paraphrase what they are saying
  • If there are misunderstandings and miscommunication ask open questions or check with people what they have said
  • Where people press for a premature solution ask what areas of the discussion this solution may not be taking into account
  • Encouraging empathy and supporting openness are responses to defensiveness, short tempers and insensitivity
  • Explore the sources of exasperation, seek clarity and respect feelings

The goals of your communication strategy

People have to sit with the tensions and the desire to “get this over with” that is inherent in a group discernment process. It is by spending sufficient time growing insight and understanding of one another and our ideas that make it possible to see common ground.

Therefore the key goals of your communication strategy in the groan zone are to encourage patience, enable perseverance and to foster tolerance. By using your communication skills to create this culture in the group you create the space for the process goals to be achieved.

The process goals are increased understanding of one another, recognition of options that meet the needs of more people in the group, and beginning to explore for common ground. Convergence will not happen unless the leader makes the groan zone a tolerable experience. It will always be hard but it can always be worse!

Conclusion

Group decision-making provides the most creative, effective and long term successful form of decision-making. However the path is not a straight line. First there must be an expansion of the conversation from the familiar to the new. Later these new insights will be incorporated into a solution that will be reflected in a well supported decision. The link between the divergence phase and the convergence phase is the groan zone. Here the disparate pieces are processed, the common ground discovered and collaboration is fostered – community is built! There are many resources available for how to build consensus through this stage. Please avoid the trap of pressing for premature agreement just because it gets a bit too hard.