Category: Leadership

Ways to Respond to the Warning Signs of Conflict

Navigating Conflict

In the last two posts @makingchurchdecisions.com explained the 12 warning signs that indicate conflict is brewing in your congregation.  This post will share practical ideas for effectively dealing with these indications of conflict.

Have you ever been in a deep fog when driving a car or navigating a boat? This deep mist makes it hard to get from A – B because it limits your sight. Deep conflict can be just as devastating to an organization if you do not learn how to navigate through it successfully.

Here are some practical ideas to move you though the mist to accomplish your God-given mission.

Specific Ideas for Each Conflict Warning Sign

 1.  No clear group purpose or vision
  • Hold a Vision Retreat for Church Leaders and Members to discern their future together.  Specifically, see if you can write the purpose of the church in one sentence and plan events and activities for the coming year that accomplish it.
  • Design a phrase that defines why your congregation exists and post it in a significant place for all to see.  Post it on your web site, newsletter and any other media you use to communicate with others about your church
  • Preach on Matthew 28 and share the mission that all Christian disciples receive from Christ.  If possible, put faces on the people that you teach and baptize so members can appreciate that they are engaged in God’s mission.
2.  Tradition becomes primary; change avoided
  • Add one new activity to your Christmas celebrations that reach new people during the season.  Perhaps instead of holding a traditional “Hanging of the Greens” or Advent Story Festival, consider holding a “Living Nativity” one evening where members dress up in character at various stations telling the story of the coming and birth of Christ.  Some congregations do this in a public place where the whole community can witness the story.  For fun, add live animals and music.
  • Hold an evaluation meeting on how your church leaders do things throughout the year.  For each ministry ask:
    • Who are we trying to reach by this activity or event? What do we know about this age today?
    • How well are we doing it? (numbers reached, etc.)
    • What can we do differently to be more effective?
3.  Major decisions are put off or always under consideration
  • Have a list of items under consideration that have yet to be resolved. Decide that they must be decided in 3 months or they are removed from the list.
  • Spend more time in the “Information Sharing” phase of your church decision meetings.  Clearly present what is under consideration, why is the situation is important to the congregation and why a decision must be made.
  • Stop the “Parking Lot” meetings that occur after the church leadership meeting adjorns.  Simply refuse to change to the decisions made by a few individuals after leaders deliberate and make a decision together.
  • Invite people to come to meetings prepared to make a decision.  Be sure they have the notice of the meeting in advance.  Hand out the Agenda and related materials or information 2 weeks in advance.
  • Use a consensus building decision making process (see our book: “The Church Guide For Making Decisions Together” (Abingdon, 2017)  for the specific steps of this process.  This method engages everyone to participate and generate creative options.
4.  Frequent leadership turnover
  • Hold a Ministry Fair/Reception near All Saints day or Pentecost each year. Have leaders responsible for the specific ministry they lead prepare a presentation area that outlines what their area covers, what it does, and what they have accomplished during the year. It could be presented as part of the worship or adult ministry activity on Sunday.
  • Recognize leaders for their accomplishments and spirit. Some churches do this during the offering one Sunday a month by recognizing different people in the congregation who exemplify a generous of spirit for the time and energy they share generously with the church. Other churches hold a Leadership Appreciation Day once a year.
5.  People are content to sit back and criticize
  • During Lent, give up whining in the church.  Make it interesting.  Collect a dollar from anyone who criticizes another.  Give the collected funds to a mission project.
  • Hold a class on Spiritual Gifts and encourage adults to participate.  This series should include a Bible Study on the gifts, provide an inventory for people to identify their gifts, and show how each of these gifts are all necessary in the live of the congregation.
6.  People leave meetings (and worship) quickly
  • Have a short reception before meetings with cheese and fruit or a simple dessert.  Allow this time to be a quick check-in with one another.
  • Have a Fellowship Time after Worship hosted by various members of the congregation.  Be sure the beverage is really tasty. This can also be a time to hand out meeting notices and agendas as well as provide a time to be present to answer questions people may have about an upcoming event.
7.  Leaders compete with one another and act uncivil to each other
  • Offer a Team Building training for church leaders
  • Preach a 3 part series on being on God’s team using Ephesians 4
8.  Differences lead to withdrawal
  • Arrange visitation for members who stop coming to worship or attending meetings as soon as you noice their absence.  This should be done within 2 weeks by a home visit, telephone call or email.  Let them know that they are missed.  Enquire if there is a reason you should know about.
  • Be vigilent to skirmishes that break out over a difference of opinion.  When possible, intervene. Thank both parties for their commitment to the church and invite them to pray about the matter which will be added to the next church meeting.
  • Remind people:  “All can have their say, but not all will have their way.”  Invite people to be open to discerning God’s will and learning to comproise.
9.  Little laughter is heard
  • Teach people to be hard on issues and soft on one another
  • Establish a Behavioral Guideline / Covenant. Include the task of not taking oneself too seriously yet taking Christ’s guidance very seriously.
  • Model being relaxed and even laughing at oneself when a genuine opportunity presents itself.
  • Teach a class on the humor of Christ or the funny things in the Bible that were said for effect or to demonstrate the awesome power of God.  (i.e.  Sarah laughing when she heard she would bear a son in her advanced years.)
10.  Giving is more a chore than a joy
  • Have mission moments during the Sunday Service that share specifically what finds go toward in the church that are transforming people’s lives. If possible, have the people involved share their story and thank the church members.
  • Hold a Stewardship Campaign – this helps you be realistic in what finds you can expect from members and adjust the budget to respect giving.
  • Limit fundraisers.  Some churches have one event after the other just to pay the bills.  This can be exhausting.  While some of these events are vital, they also demonstrate a deeper problem in the church.  Identify why the church cannot pay it’s bills and make adjustments or hold a meeting to discuss other options.
11.  Pastor/Judicatory Leader spends valuable time calming people
  • Clarify the Pastor’s Job.  The Staff-Parish Committee (or pertinent group in your church that handles staff issues), should meet and review, or write, the Pastor’s Job description if one does not exist.  Church leaders should then review and approve it.  Finally, share it with the congregation.  (Obviously, do not include a line about keeping everyone happy.)
  • Learn how to deal with your level of conflict that usually blames the pastor.  Bring in a neutral person to assess your level of conflict, and recommend steps you can take to de-escalate the situation and lessen stress.
  • Make it a last resort to call in a judicatory leader to be ‘judge and jury’.  Only invite them in to teach you how to learn ways to make better decisions, respect each another as Christians, and hear about new ways to be effective in ministry.
12.  Called meetings poorly attended (or packed)
  • Have an Agenda for every meeting that lists vital tasks.  Never meet simply to meet.
  • Rather than have “run-on” discussions which drain people, use process tools to gain full participation.  These may include a SWOT analysis (which measures your Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats), or an APA Chart (which lists what you must Achieve, Preserve or Avoid in order to be a faithful church).  You can find more activities in organizational resources, in our book  or on-line.

Summary

The best way to use these practical ideas for diffusing the early warning signs of conflict, is to form a small team of 3-4 people to work with you.  First, identify the warning sign you notice most in your congregation now.  Next, work together to select an idea most suited for your group and put it into practice.  Finally, evaluate how the situation is going.  After a set time, do you notice a difference in your congregation or organization?

Conflict often exhibits several warning signs at the same time, so repeat this process as needed.  Remember these are merely early warning signs of conflict.  For more serious realities like people fighting or calling one another names, people taking sides, etc.  you will need to address the level of conflict appropriately.

For more information on the levels of conflict, read Chapter 2 of our book, or review the articles archived on the subject.

Blessings!

 

12 Early Warning Signs of Conflict (# 1)

@makingchurchdecisions.com we have discussed what conflict is and how to deal with it.  This article examines the 12 early warning signs that conflict may be brewing in your organization.

Danger Ahead

Just like a lighthouse warns ships that they are too close to the shoreline, there are signals that warn that conflict is in your midst.  These danger signs are present whenever there is tension in your organization.  The more signs that are present the higher the conflict level. The higher the level the more time you will need to devote to correcting the situation.  Learning these signs allows you to take appropriate steps to correct the situation before it turns into the perfect storm.

12 Warning Signs (the first 6!)

 1.  No clear group purpose or vision

A church or organization that does not know why it exists drifts on the tendencies of yesterday.  There is little motivation to try new ways of reaching people or making disciples.  Without a vision the people perish.  (sound familiar?)  What is the purpose or vision in your organization? Do people know it?  Is it compelling enough to draw people together to accomplish it?

2.  Tradition becomes primary; change avoided

Churches in conflict hold onto the past as if it is their life-preserver. Change is held at bay.  Unfortunately,  this does not allow you to respond to the wonderful opportunities to be in ministry with your community.  When tradition rules – people often lose.

3.  Major decisions are put off or always under consideration

Ever been in a meeting and had a sense deja vu?  That feeling that you have been here before and faced the same issue?  Churches that try to keep the peace rarely face the decisions in their midst with grace. Instead, they talk things to death hoping that everyone will eventually get on bored.  I wish this helped but it doesn’t.  To be sure, talking through an issue is vital for a healthy organization.  It allows creative options to surface and be implemented.  However, putting off major decisions is rarely a good idea.  There is a time for everything.

4.  Frequent leadership turnover

Look over the leadership lists of your church for the last 5 years.  Has there been frequent turnover?  Have you changed pastors for poor reasons or blamed your leaders for how things are going? Do people think that getting rid of “them” solves the problems in your situation?

When people quit or become inactive there is often a good reason.  Perhaps someone attacked them in a meeting or outside of it.  Perhaps they did not feel that their contribution was valuable.  Whatever the reason, when leaders quit it is usually a report card on how the organization is dealing with matters.  We simply do not have the time to waste in being unproductive. Time is valuable.

5.  People are content to sit back and criticize

Ah, it’s a bad sign when the unofficial quarterbacks come out in the midst of disagreements and make offensive statements about the work and motivations of others.  True, Moses faced the murmurings of the Israelites when they were in exodus from Egypt. But today’s leaders do not have to put up with it.   Does your organization tolerate unjustified negative statements to be made about others or allow a spirit of criticism to reign?

6.  People leave meetings (and worship) quickly

Here is another important warning sign. What happens when your meetings or worship is over?  Do people run to their cars to go home quickly or is there a sense of fellowship and support that lingers? When people leave quickly it is often because they do not want to be wrapped up in the drama of opposing positions or tensions.  Not even the inducement of coffee or snacks will make them remain.  This warning sign often signals that people are uncomfortable with one another or the situation they face.

What to do!

Review the list of these first six warning signs of conflict and make a note of the ones that you see present in your church.  Remember to look beyond the leadership group as you look for the signs. Often the fraying of good relationships starts at the edges and not in the center.

If you see some of the signs of conflict starting to show up then start to address them straight away. There are many helpful articles in the archive of makingchurchdecisions.com that can help you to develop some strategies.

Above all, do not ignore the situation hoping that it will simply go away by itself.  The very well-being of your organization is at stake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.

 

 

Tips for a Chair of a Consensus Meeting

We’ve discussed the various parts of the consensus decision-making process. Now it’s time to provide tips for the chair of the meeting. Like other business meetings, there is a certain level of skill involved in completing consensus decision-making in your organization. There are specific skills you can learn to make the process go smoothly. The answer to “how” begins with a simple “yes” that you want to do this process well.

Considerations for a Well-Run Meeting

Here is a list of factors that will help you successfully Chair your next meeting using consensus decision-making:

  1.  Prepare: Most meetings get off to a poor start because the participants are confused about the details. Be sure your leaders know the time and place of the meeting. Provide an agenda in advance so people know what to expect. Also, provide a copy of the proposal to each person attending at least 7 days in advance of the meeting. Make sure that the rationale / reasoning/ aim of the proposal/ resolution is provided seperate from the proposal.
  2. Pray: Perhaps this sounds unnecessary to mention, yet it is important.  Pray for your facilitation of the meeting and for the people attending. Ask God’s guidance for the process.
  3. Room Arrangements: How the room is arranged is a key factor to the success of the meeting. The Chair should be seated at a place in the room where they can clearly see all participants.
  4.  Audio Support: People need to hear clearly what is being said in the meeting. If the group is large enough, you may need microphones for the chair and in key locations in the meeting space for participants.
  5. Visuals: In most meetings, it is helpful to have some type of projection of material. This is true of the actual proposal itself with the ability to edit the document in real time during the meeting.
  6. Presentation of the Proposal: As chair, you should help the presenter of the proposal to be prepared to share the background for the proposal as well as the actual wording before the meeting. They should be ready to place the proposal before the group in a succinct manner. You will need to get a second from someone in the group to move the proposal forward. It helps to have these people lined up in advance of the meeting so there are no surprises.
  7. Receiving Questions: Once the proposal is before the group, allow time for questions for clarification. Be alert! Sometimes people will nest a question in a revision. Or they will make a statement or speech with a question mark at the end! This is not the time for debate or to improve the document – it’s space to be sure that you understand the proposal and the impact it may have on your group. If someone raises a revision, call them out of order by gently asking them to bring that suggestion to the group at the appropriate time in the meeting.
  8. Teachable Moments: As chair, it is helpful to acknowledge where you are in the process and guide the group toward full participation. When someone does something not helpful to the process, invite them to wait until the process is open to their input. On those occasions when a participant asks a good question or does something to advance the process, call attention to it so people can gain confidence in how those things support the group.
  9. Deliberation: This is the real meat of the process. As Chair of the meeting, you will need to be on your toes during this section of the meeting. Invite the group to think about what they can support in the proposal or what would help them support the proposal. Sometimes asking people to ‘pair and share’ their responses to these questions with one another. This allows the introverts in the group an opportunity to participate on a deeper level. If you are working with a very large group, you may want to divide the participants into smaller groups to allow this conversation to happen. After you allow time for this interaction, call the group together and ask participants to share their revisions or suggestions to improve the proposal.
  10. Perfecting the Proposal: Once you move into the part of your meeting where people can make suggestions to revise the initial proposal it is important to have a scribe or recorder capture the comments so people can see them in real time. This could be done in Powerpoint, or on a sheet of newsprint. In large groups, have people submit their revision in writing.  Take your time and slow this part of the meeting to the pace that it is easy for people to stay current with the conversation. This prevents duplication of comments or getting stuck.
  11. Gaining Support: As Chair, it is crucial that you are able to guide the group toward full participation so everyone is heard. Sometimes, asking if there is a voice in the room or perspective that you have not heard yet is helpful.  Whenever you ask this question allow time for a response. Another way to read the group is with the use of colored cards. Have blue and orange cards cut to 5X7 (A5 or even larger) for each participant. Explain that blue means that you are cool to an idea or not ready to support the proposal. Orange denotes that you are warm to an idea expressed or ready to make a decision. Invite the group to use their cards whenever a person speaks in the deliberation phase. This provides you with a good idea of whether the group is working well with the material before them or even ready to make a decision.
  12. Ready for a Decision: At this point in the meeting, the proposal has been shaped by the wisdom in the group. It’s time to make a decision and there are many ways to do this. The easiest is to simply ask for a show of cards if all are orange – you have consensus! But if you are building consensus before a vote, then a show of hands in support of the proposal as well as a show of hands not supporting the proposl will work. Some groups will ask if anyone is standing outside of consensus on the matter to hear why they feel as they do. This provides one more chance to perfect the proposal.
  13. Acknowledging the Work: once the process has run its course and a decision has been made thank the presenter of the proposal as well as the participants for their dedication on completing the decision.

Conclusion

You will find over time that the consensus decision-making process gets shorter and easier for participants. Also, the results get more creative and easier to implement. Your role as the Chair of the meeting, makes this possible. Do everything in your power to run the meeting well and empower the group to make good decisions.

Tips for Participants in a Consensus Decision-Making Meeting

Calling Participants in Consensus

Not many people have had a lot of experience as participants in a consensus decision-making meeting. No worries. It can be learned and become familiar to you by looking over the following tips.

Considerations for Participants

Look over this list to learn more about successfully participating in your next business meeting.

  1.  Prepare: Be sure to receive and read the Agenda of the meeting in advance. This is also true of any supporting document like proposals. Do not come to the meeting without adequately preparing for the session. Make a list of questions that you have about the material. What words do I not understand? Do I really understand what will happen if I support this proposal?
  2. Pray: Part of getting ready for the meeting is to pray for the Chair of the meeting as well s the other participants. Ask God’s guidance as you consider the proposal. Be open to the Spirit’s counsel.
  3. Be on Time: Arrive at the meeting 15 minutes in advance, get yourself settled and make positive caring connections with the other members. Play your part in building the community!
  4. Ask Good Questions. Make a list of respectful questions about the matter before the group. These questions should focus on the meaning of the words as well as who is impacted by the decision. Questions are not a chance to make a speech but a way to be faithful and open.
  5. Be a Team Player. Making good decisions is not a solo occupation – it is the work of the community gathered for that purpose. One way to be a good team player is to adjust your attitude. You’re all on the same side. Rather than lobbying against a proposal, ask yourself what it would need to contain to get your support. Be ready to voice it your concerns and ideas in a respectful manner – with a view to offering idea on how you can support the  proposal.
  6. Use Your Cards. Participants should be given a blue and orange card. Blue means that cool to an idea, not ready to support the proposal yet, or that you have a question. Orange means that you are warm to an idea, or ready to support the proposal. Use your cards each time someone speaks so that the chair can read the wisdom in the room. This helps the meeting to progress smoothly.
  7. Practice Good Communication. Use “I” statements: “I feel…” or “I believe…” whenever possible. Take ownership of your perspective.  When you make a mistake, own that as well. If helpful acknowledge that you have changed your mind or apologize.
  8. Work Towards the Greater Good. Rather than trying to get your own way or prevent something from happening, work for the good of the group. Making decisions is not about getting our own way, but of discerning God’s best hope for the group and community.
  9. Relax. Over time, the process will become familiar and take less time. Be patient.

Conclusion

Learning to make decisions by consensus is a noble endeavor. You can do it! In the long run, you will notice a greater ownership of ideas and the decisions. There will be an enhanced creativity to resolve issues. It will also be easier to put a matter to rest and implement the decision.