Category: Relationships

Happy Birthday Church!

Happy Birthday Church

This post was written on Pentecost Sunday in celebration of the church faithful who down through the ages has been a sign of God’s faithfulness to us when we gather as a people, called.

Think of your favorite party…

The odds are high that when you saw the heading for this post, you thought of a birthday party.  Perhaps it was a surprise party that your friends organized to let you know how special you are to them. Perhaps it was the birthday party of a family member that has had an important role in your life. Whatever the occasion, we mark the passing of our years on the annual date of our birth.  Usually, with some fanfare and gifts!

When we have parties with the family the chances are that there will be people who we like more than others. Families have differences but we make the effort to get along – especially at parties!

And, so it is with the church!

Pentecost is the liturgical day of the year when we celebrate God pouring out his spirit on the early church. Miraculously, the story recorded in Acts 2 tells of the sign of the Spirit coming upon the first disciples in a way that allowed them to share the good news of Jesus Christ in a way that all people understood for they heard it in their own language. It is the job description for the church!

Reversing the experience at the Tower of Babel, Pentecost made it possible for people to understand each other. The Holy Spirit brought people together as they listened and understood what was being said. What can we do today that will foster genuine listening rather than talking at people without understanding?

From the very beginning of the Christian church, people have responded to the gospel by allowing God to change their lives into the image of Christ (or, at least we espouse to do so). What does it mean to live in the image of Christ in our Church communities? What does it mean to truly listen and understand one another? How is the Pentecost vision shaoing the way that we talk to each other?

Our calling is to take care of one another and generously give to those in need. Teresa of Avalon once talked about this phenomenon of the church gathering for mission to remind us that we are the very arms and feet of Christ embracing the world with God’s hug. I like that image very much. Could it be possible that the way we treat other people is a sign of the way God loves us?

And yet, the Church’s story has not always been so gracious.  Recall the pain caused by the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, persecution of the Jews, the Salem Witch Trials and today’s bashing of people based on their sexual orientation. No, these are not our finest hours.

So,  Why Bother?

Despite being imperfect and falling short of the glory of God, we continue to try and live into God’s expectations for us in this world.  We are called to be peacemakers and reconcile the world unto Christ.  How are we doing church? What processes do you use in your congregations that make peace and foster reconciliation among your members?

Recently I talked with a young adult who had decided not to attend church because the congregation he visited were a bunch of hypocrites. He believed – but he just didn’t want to belong. It has been said that a hospital is not ashamed of being full of sick people. In a similar way, why should the church be ashamed that it is full of sinners?  Indeed!

No, we are not perfect yet we serve one who is. This Christ we seek to serve can take our foibles and imperfections and transform the world. It is the only thing that ever has and the only thing that ever will!

We yearn to be all that God has in store for us knowing that Christ loves us just the way we are and calls us into more than we can ever dream of becoming. How do you show that you love people just the way that they are? Being genuinely interested in the experiences, feelings and views of the people who are different to us is a way to do this. Listening – using consensus building approaches is a Christ-like gift of respect and love.

And, if Christ loves us (warts and all), how can we do less than accept one another despite our preconceived judgments and criticisms? I was once told that God loves us just as we are, and sees us as redeemed despite ourselves. God chooses to love. Sadly, so many of our church members have preconceived ideas about other people and react to them without seeing people for who they are. Pentecost, with the gift of the Holy Spirit, is to open us up to difference and the embrace of the other.

Come, Holy Spirit!

This year has been a serious challenge to my faith in the church.  I have watched my denomination fight publically with each other in ways that made me cringe. At the heart of the debate is the full inclusion of LGBTIQ people in the life and witness of the church.

There has been deliberate manipulation, power plays, one-upmanship, and even righteousness misplaced. Distressed, I have questioned my commitment to remaining a member. Yet each time I have made the decision to leave, God has gently called me back – reminding me that I also stand in need of grace and reconciliation. And so I stay… Why?  Because God’s best hope for this world continues to be through people just like you and me.

This is why I am engaged in this ministry of consensus-based discernment – because it provides the tools we need if we are going to live as the family that God makes possible through the gift of the Holy Spirit.

So,  the next time you are tempted to give up and leave the church, take a deep breath and feel God’s love wash over you. Feel God’s love supporting you. Know that God is in control not this side or that view. Then, share that love with others as best as you can, despite how unloving this world can be. Be an instrument of God’s peace.

Come, Holy Spirit! Come!

 

 

 

UMC Needs a New Way

What next for the UMC?

The UMC (United Methodist Church) is clearly at a crossroad. The decision by the General Conference in February to maintain the rejection of LGBTIQ+ people from Ministry in the Church, strengthen penalties for clergy that do same gender weddings and other decisions has ignited a firestorm in the denomination. 69% of the US delegates favoured allowing local churches to decide their own position (“The One Church Model”) but the overseas delegates strongly supported the “Traditional Plan”.

That the UMC cannot continue as it is should be clear to everyone. I am not arrogant enough to tell members of another church which turn they should take at a time like this. Nevertheless, there is one very strong piece of advice that I am prepared to offer.

Even as a long distance observer of the UMC, it is clear that there is a lot of anger and aggression being expressed towards people who hold different views on the future for the church. This combative, disrespectful and self-absorbed way of interacting must come to an end! There are lessons here for all churches!!

What does a new way look like?

There is much discussion across the church about whether there will be two, three or more fragments left from the UMC as it stands today. Some still hope for one church but this seems less and less likely. I have no comment to offer on the structural arrangements that should come to pass for the UMC. However, I am very clear that what needs to change is the way that people relate to each other.

The new way for the UMC has to be one where people genuinely listen to each other. A way where they seek to work together in discerning the will of Christ for his church. The new way must include respect and appreciation for people who hold different positions to us.

Rev Adam Hamilton is offering great leadership as he and others try to foster healthy and constructive conversations about what to do in response to the decision of General Conference in February. He is encouraging Methodists who understand that it is possible to live together with major differences and to work together on finding a solution. Of particular interest to me is that he is speaking about building a consensus across the church. There will be a major meeting in May. People who can envisage living in the same church as people who have different opinions will come together. In all their diversity they will seek to discern what the future may look like for the UMC.

I would love to be an observer at that meeting in May! I’d like to see how they engage in a consensus building approach. This may be the first time in the history of the UMC that a serious consensus-building approach has been attempted. This has to be the new way for the UMC.

2016 General Conference – a lost opportunity

When the General Conference met in Portland in 2016 it had available to it a consensus-building approach to discernment. I was contracted to develop the alternative Rule, prepare meeting resources and provide training and resources for using the process. Along with my colleague, Julia Kuhn Wallace I hoped that the delegates would experience another way of exploring difficult issues. For reasons that I will not go into here, the Rule was not adopted. As a result, the legalistic, argumentative, power-driven approach of the Parliamentary process continued in use. The outcome was the Bishop’s Special Commission and the 2019 Called General Conference.

How is it a surprise that the UMC found itself in the same belligerent and hurtful situation again in 2019 as it did in 2016? Why should people expect that having engaged in this process using aggressive parliamentary rules that now it is possible for people to turn off the aggression? The UMC is reaping what it has sown because in its meeting procedures it has encouraged disrespect, power plays and a winner take all mentality.

The alternative Rule in 2016 would have provided delegates, and other members of the UMC, a chance to experience another way of being in community around difficult issues. Not taking that direction was a lost opportunity.

Lessons for the new UMC / churches

I know that there will be many people who think that “if we can only get rid of all those people who think differently to us then it will be fine.” There are Conferences and Jurisdictions that are ready to reject the 2019 decisions and be affirming of LGBTQI+ people in the church. But do not think that this alone will get you where you need to go. The new “gatherings” of UMC people need a new way of making decisions.

There is no doubt that using Robert’s Rules of Order has been a major driver for why the UMC finds itself where it is today. If new groupings that want to be inclusive and respectful of each other continue to use parliamentary styles of decision-making then they will end up with broken relationships, alienated members and intractable conflict.

If new groups form around principles of respect and inclusion then they need to develop decision-making processes that are consistent with these values. Consensus-based discernment processes will be critical in the next phase for the successor groups to the UMC. The churches and Jurisdictions that are opposed to the Traditional Plan will need to invest in developing alternative business procedures. These resources are available and can be implemented when there is a will and a deliberate approach to doing so. Please do not think that you can change the culture of any new church(es) without making major changes to the way in which you engage in discernment!

Conclusion

If we are going to have healthy relationships we need to build capacity in the people and establish healthy ways of interacting. Churches need to establish a culture that gives the best chance of expressing Christian values. Robert’s Rules of Order are the opposite of what churches should be doing! Consensus processes better reflect and support Christian values.

The UMC is experiencing a huge crisis and we should all be praying for them. My encouragement is that any new way for the United Methodist Church does not just deal with the symptoms but also the causes. The causes include the way in which Christian relationships have been defined and structured – parliamentary business procedures included. Dealing with the causes by changing the way people meet and decide issues will lay the foundation for healthy and effective churches into the future.

Civil War in the Church

 

A civil war in the church is offensive to the Gospel and a rejection of the ministry of Jesus Christ. Yet what do we see in many places? We see Christians who hate each other; who belittle and abuse one another, and refuse to see any good thing in the person with whom they disagree.

What are the signs of civil war?

The signs of civil war in the church are the same as those that are apparent in wider American society. It is a civil war of the soul: by virtually every measure, Americans are more alienated from each other than ever before.

Writing in the Huffington Post, Richard North Patterson observed that on issues of race and ethnicity, immigration, feminism and gender, guns and education there is a massive divergence of opinion in the USA. The article is an opinion piece on politics in America. The authors of makingchurchdecisions.com do not endorse or promote his opinion. Nevertheless, it does, in my view, provide a fair analysis of the divisions and behaviors that exist in present-day America and as such is worth sharing. A link is provided as it is proper to provide sources of data and so that readers can judge their reasonableness for themselves. Mr Patterson is a New York Times best-selling author of 22 novels, a former chairman of Common Cause, and a member of the Council on Foreign Relations.

He says “All these fault lines fuel political trench warfare, stifling compromise and preventing us from resolving our most pressing problems. But equally pernicious is how this mass failure of empathy and imagination poisons our attitudes toward each other …

No longer do partisans view their political opponents as simply wrong or misguided, but as enemies of all they hold dear. … ever more Republicans and Democrats deny each other’s facts, disapprove of each other’s lifestyles, avoid each other’s neighborhoods, impugn each other’s motives, doubt each other’s patriotism, deplore each other’s news sources, detest each other’s party and, indeed, despise and dehumanize who they imagine each other to be.

These opposing groups have become hostile forces living in gated communities of the mind, ripe for exploitation by an unprincipled (person).”

Signs of Civil War in the Church

  • Issues are presented as being of existential and/or eternal significance
  • Inability to accommodate the needs of others
  • Paralysis when resolving pressing problems
  • Failure of empathy and imagination
  • Impugning each other’s motives
  • Detesting each other’s groups
  • Stop listening to alternative points of view
  • Despising and dehumanizing who they imagine each other to be

The signs of a civil war in the church are everywhere! I am in shock at what I have read, seen and heard about the things that are going on in the United Methodist Church (USA). I know that it is often said that people shouldn’t talk about what is going on in other churches. But you see – every church is part of the one family. What the UMC (USA) does affect the attitude of people to all churches – including mine on the far side of the planet.

Every Christian has skin in the game when other Christians behave badly.

What is going on?

Sadly these signs are all too familiar in the life of churches. When I see the signs of civil war in the church I see the following.

  • People want to make issues much bigger and more important than God considers them to be. Decisions are invested with eternal significance when they are not the essentials of the faith. People are playing God.
  • Selfishness and ego mean that people are only concerned for themselves.
  • Christians who get paralysed in finding a way through have closed themselves off to the movement of the Holy Spirit in their community. Christ brings reconciliation to communities and does not divide them.
  • A failure of empathy is a failure to love; and a sign of self-absorption which manifests itself in no capacity to imagine what is going on for the person with another deeply held point of view.
  • Forgetting that we are family in Christ, that we need each other and that God is the judge of us all, means that we can justify not listening and disrespecting others.
  • Hate is never a Christian virtue! People have abandoned the Gospel and Christ is said to have died in vain when we treat anyone as unloveable and an enemy to be hated.
  • Despising and dehumanizing people is to blaspheme against the Holy Spirit. Such an attitude denies the presence of the Holy Spirit in every Christian.

The reason that there can be a civil war in the church is that Christians are not being faithful to Jesus Christ.

Why does it matter if there is a civil war in the church?

Sadly too many people seem to think that if their view can be imposed on others that the witness of the church will be more effective. If only, they think, we can get rid of people who are different to us then everything will be wonderful. Examples of this being true are few and far between. And the few, like the origins of the Methodist Church and Salvation Army, who can point to new connections and growth had two things in common. They were focused on a new mission and evangelism and not on doctrinal purity, and they were thrown out – they didn’t seek rupture.

Faithfulness comes from hearing from the whole theological, cultural, liturgical, and other diversity of the church. No one part of the church has it right. We all need the breadth of the church to inform us so that we can better understand God’s will. We need historical, cultural and ecumenical input. Churches that lose diversity easily lose faithfulness.

Understanding and knowing the will of Christ for his church is a work of the whole community of faith – albeit that authority may be invested in some specific people. Together we discern Christ’s will for an issue at this time and in this place. The capacity to follow Christ is crippled and usually lost when there is civil war.

What can be done?

Everyone needs to get down on their knees and confess to God their part in the brokenness of their church. Use the list under the heading “What is going on?” as a guide for prayer. Be genuinely open to the work of the Holy Spirit and believe that Jesus can save us. Christ is God’s peace – seek God’s peace for the church.

Listen to the views of others – the deep needs, fears and hopes that they express. Ask “What do I need to take from their perspective and apply in my life?

In high conflict situations, external mediators and facilitators are needed. Contact us to discuss how conflict intervention strategies and other resources can assist you to develop practical steps that break the cycles of mistrust and abuse.

Learn about consensus-based discernment. It’s four steps build trust, openness, relationships and shared goals. Use The Church Guide For Making Decisions Together as an introduction.

It’s never too late to introduce people to better ways of being in community. When difficult issues are before us that is exactly the time to try something new!  You have choices – take them and break the cycle of destruction and pain.

Jesus is grieving for his church. Its divisions are damaging his body and undermining his saving work. Draw close to Jesus and bless him by playing your part in ending the civil war in the church.

10 Great Things About Conflict

Conflict – surely it’s not a good thing!?!

Contrary to what most people think: not all conflict is bad! Despite our tendency to want to run away from conflict when it is brewing, there are benefits to be realized by standing your ground and working through it. Congregations that avoid resolving conflict are like toddlers learning to crawl – at some point it’s much more fun to walk!

Evelyn Fisher, a Kansas clergywoman in the USA, taught me many things about dealing well with conflict in organizations. Here is a quick synopsis, in no particular order, of 10 of the benefits of conflict that I learned from Evelyn.

It helps us know others better

One of the important skills for engaging conflict well is the ability to set aside our own feelings and listen deeply to the other person. To be fully present. Whenever we able to do that well, we almost always learn something new about ourselves, other people and life’s challenges. When you short change the listening process, you rob people of the opportunity to deepen their relationships and understanding of each other.

It clears the air

There is little that is more uncomfortable in a congregation than conflict simmering just below the surface. You can feel it. Waiting almost never  makes disagreements go away. In fact, avoiding conflict can increase the pressure until there is an explosion of anger and distrust in the most inappropriate places. So don’t put off the inevitable! It is always better to address conflict before it becomes insurmountable.

It helps us know ourselves better

Addressing conflict productively requires us to examine our own heart, our own thinking, and our own feelings. All good things to do at any time in order to become self aware and mature. Conflict brings us to a place of choice. This is an excellent time to examine our values and perceptions to see if they are still relevant and meaningful.

It encourages creativity

Working through conflict requires groups to consider all the options that are available to them. Often the best solution is one that nobody thought of before. So by engaging conflict in a healthy way presents an opportunity to do your very best work as an organization. It helps you resolve a situation with strength and potential.

It frees energy

A great deal of emotional energy is consumed by keeping the lid on conflict so it doesn’t explode. When it is addressed in a timely manner energy is actually freed for more important things. Only then can you turn your sights on your very best work as a group.

It invites forgiveness

True forgiveness is a precious commodity in our world. It seems that people are growing increasingly uncivil. Working through conflict well gives us an opportunity to give and receive forgiveness. It allows us to draw closer together as a redemptive community of faith.

It develops clarity

Conflict often leads to confusion, and confusion leads to conflict. What would happen if you simply stopped avoiding the situation that is causing tension and dealt well with the conflict in your midst? What do you have to lose?

Engaging the conflict clarifies our thinking (both personally and corporately)

When faced with choices groups can come to a firm understanding about what is truly important to them. The learn why things matter to them. By working through a situation causing conflict with mutual respect, individuals and groups learn what they treasure.

It deepens relationships

We’ve talked about this before, but conflict can draw people closer together. The more we know one another and ourselves, the stronger the relationships become. If we focus on the problem and do not make people the issue, a community of faith can become stronger. Why? Because they can reaffirm the values and beliefs that formed the congregation in the first place.

It fosters humility

Sometimes we have to admit that we are wrong. It’s a good practice for Christians to apologize when they are wrong. Frankly, this seems to be a lost art in most congregations when someone can say: “I learned something I did not know and it has helped me change my mind on this matter!”

Dealing well with conflict is holy work

How we deal with conflict shows what we think about God and one another. If God is truly the perfecter and author of peace, then we should seek it with our whole being. Whenever we participate well in addressing conflict we become the peacemakers whom Jesus blessed and called his beloved.

Amen?  Amen!

25 Characteristics of Effective Groups

Are you in an Effective Group?

You know whether you are in effective small groups or not.  Am I right?

Recently, I changed Sunday School classes. The people in my previous class are really nice people. However the group rarely got into its Bible lesson without getting sidetracked by current events or politics. Some people were getting hurt by not agreeing with the majority view – others stopped attending. I simply grew frustrated. I was feeling that I was being held captive to someone’s rants or raves. It was not why I was there!

Can you identify with my experience? Sadly, many Christians do not feel that they’re a part of effective groups. Groups come in many forms – small groups for study or fellowship, a ministry team or a leadership Council. There are things that you can do to ensure your groups are effective.

How would you rate your group?

Think of groups to which you currently belong. Review this list of characteristics. It should be a group that meets regularly and has a clearly defined role. For each characteristic, rate your groups by circling a number at the end of the characteristic.

Key:    1=not really      5=so-so    10=on target

  1. Everyone arrives and leaves on time                            1     5     10
  2. Our leader is trained and effective                                 1     5     10
  3. Our group has a clearly defined purpose                     1     5     10
  4. All members participate                                                     1     5     10
  5. We communicate clearly and directly                          1     5     10
  6. Our discussions are focused and productive             1     5     10
  7. We don’t judge but seek to understand                       1     5     10
  8. We periodically evaluate how we are doing               1     5     10
  9. We have a set goal or agenda when we meet             1     5     10
  10. We pray for one another rather than prey                  1     5     10
  11. Our group accomplishes it’s goals                                 1     5     10
  12. We make decisions by consensus                                   1     5     10
  13. We all feel responsible for the group’s success        1     5     10
  14. We deal with conflict in a timely manner                   1     5     10
  15. We have a shared vision                                                      1      5     10
  16. Our group is growing as a team                                       1     5     10
  17. We do not pre-judge one another                                   1     5     10
  18. We value differences                                                             1     5     10
  19. We seek clarity not rambling                                            1     5     10
  20. No one dominates discussion                                           1     5     10
  21. We share information related to our task                   1     5     10
  22. We avoid group think or giving in to appease           1     5     10
  23. We use “I” statements                                                         1     5     10
  24. We test assumptions before making decisions         1     5     10
  25. We practice courteous communication practices    1     5     10

Tally up your score.

Look over your responses carefully.  Which column has the most circles?  Which has the least?  What does this tell you about your group? What are some specific ways your group can improve?

Conclusion

Being part of a group should be a good experience.  We have simply too many demands on our time to waste in a group that is not effective. I encourage you to not accept an under performing group. After you have analysed the group’s life talk to others about whether they share your concerns. You are unlikely to be alone in your thoughts. Then work out together what can be done to address each of the low scores. You don’t have to fix them all at once – but do make a start.