Category: Relationships

Worship Service of Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Conflict can be destructive in a congregation or organization. Once you deal with a major conflict in your group it is not just enough in a church context to talk about it and leave it at that. Healing – deep healing – needs to draw on spiritual resources.

So plan to bring these spiritual resources before the community of faith with a special worship service. Its order and content will focus on how to foster reconciliation and forgiveness. This helps people move on in a positive way – resourced by God to do so.

The following Order of Worship is one that I use.  Make adjustments to reflect your traditional order of worship, your denomination or culture. Involve as many people as possible by having laity read Scripture, read prayers, etc.

ORDER OF WORSHIP

FOR A SERVICE OF HEALING AND RECONCILIATION

Call to worship: 

*Opening Hymn: “The Church’s One Foundation” UMH* 545 (or other song that reminds people of their common ground)

Pastoral Prayer

Children’s message on forgiveness

Offering (special music)

Doxology

*Scripture: Exodus 3 – 4:17 (on the call of Moses) or Ephesians 4 (Unity of the Body)

Message 

     Statements of Gratitude and Affirmation

Prayer of Thanksgiving

ALL:

          We thank you, O Lord,

          for all the ways you have blessed us here at (name of church)

          You have given us gifted leaders

          You have blessed us with a community of faith

          You have endowed our lives with goodness

          You have given us the Holy Scriptures

          But most of all,

          you have given us the gift of your Son Jesus Christ

          and the healing power of your Holy Spirit.

          For all these blessings and more,

          we praise and thank you.

          Through Jesus Christ we pray, Amen

 Statements of Regret and Confession

Prayer of Confession

LEADER

If we claim that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves,

and the truth is not in us.

PEOPLE

          But if we confess our sins,

          God who is faithful and just

          will forgive our sins

          and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

LEADER

Let us confess our sins against God and our neighbor…

Moments of Silence

 PEOPLE

          Merciful God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ;

          maker of all things; judge of all people:

          we acknowledge the many sins and failures

          that we have committed

          by thought, word, and action

          against each other and against you.

          We earnestly repent.

          We are deeply sorry for our damaging words

          and our destructive behaviors.

          In your mercy forgive what we have been,

          help us to amend what we are,

          and direct what we shall be,

          so that we may delight in your will

          and walk in your ways, giving you the glory.

          Amen

LEADER

Hear the good news!

The saying is sure and worthy of full acceptance,

that Christ Jesus came into the world

to save sinners.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross,

that we might be dead to sins

and be alive to all that is good.

In the name of Jesus Christ, embrace God’s

forgiveness and peace.

Signs of God’s Peace (handshakes or embraces shared with the words:  The Peace of Christ be with you!  Response:  And also with you!)

Holy Communion (Pastor)

Annointing (Lay leader) (Make the sign of the cross with oil on people’s right hands with the words:  (Name), live as a forgiven child of God)

 Closing Hymn: “Blest Be the Tie That Binds” UMH 557

Benediction/Sending

  • UMH refers to the United Methodist Hymnal

This Order of Worship is especially meaningful after your congregation has worked through a serious conflict and people have owned their part in the tension and agree to work together in peace.

WMC Leaders Discuss Consensus

WMC leaders have been learning about consensus. What does consensus mean to cross-cultural leaders?  Terence Corkin and I offered a training session and experience of consensus decision-making at the recent World Methodist Council (WMC) in Seoul, South Korea.

This organization brings together church leaders from around the world that share a Methodist heritage.  Its Executive team (the Steering Committee) wanted to explore a more respectful method of making decisions than Robert’s Rules of Order because. The last Council meeting in Houston showed that there was room for improvement. Like most organizations considering the shift to consensus, they decided to introduce the process to members of the Council at their meeting to get their support.

I interviewed 2 delegates to get their perspective on the process.  Here are their observations on consensus:

Edgar De Jesus, USA

Edgar is from the Philipines and is currently the Pastor of Davis Street United Methodist Church in Burlington, North Carolina.  This congregation is becoming a cross-cultural fellowship. They host a successful feeding ministry every Sunday morning for the poor and marginalized.

On Using Consensus

“Consensus is a timely, respectful process of making decisions that is truly needed in today’s world.”

“It’s not a methodology – it is an invitation to join with God’s Spirit at work in the world.  It is a way of seeing things from a Kingdom perspective or what matters to God. Further, it goes back to our understanding of who we are as a church. Jesus modeled consensus (it’s part of our Christology). He engaged people through conversation around the issues they cared about with mutuality and respect.”

Today, the church continues to be a gathered community that seeks to deliberate and resolve issues in a respectful, creative manner. “Consensus attacks implicit bias, domination and manipulation of people. Our decision-making process should be counter-cultural and model a Christ-like way of working together. You can debate elsewhere – the church must discern the will of God and call upon the Christian community gathered to model a better way.”

Rev De Jesus continues, “consensus is not an end in itself – it’ a beginning.  We acknowledge that we can see Jesus in one another as we talk about the issues we care deeply about discussing. We believe that we are in this together so it helps me have a different take than ‘Robert’s Rules’ to make decisions with each other.”

Edgar believes that the best decisions are made in community after respectful listening and deliberation. “Using a consensus process to discern God’s will disrupts the status quo” he explains. “It turns things upside down so assumptions are brought into the light for examination.” Further, it levels the playing field to allow full participation of everyone – not just the powerful majority. “When this occurs, we make good decisions.”

On Organizations Making the Shift to Use Consensus

Rev. De Jesus believes that “receiving training and experiencing the process is very helpful. For the WMC, it’s a great start, but just as important is using the model in the future.  My hope is that it does not just stay at the top level of the organization but filters through other committees and plenary sessions to engage all of us as we minister in the world. Birthing this process at the WMC is an important step for this organization.”

Edgar believes that it is also vital to bring a consensus discernment process back to our local contexts and communities as an alternative model.

Amelia Meli Koh-Butler

Amelia is a minister in the Uniting Church in Australia. She is an expert in cross-cultural ministry who has held positions in the Synod of South Australia and the National Assembly.  Currently, Amelia is a University Chaplain.

On Why Consensus Matters

“My generation would rather leave an organization or not participate in Robert’s Rules of Order.  It breaks Christian community.”

Cross-Cultural People and Consensus

She shared the connection between consensus and the use of the Samoan Fine Mat. In this practice, “if you have offended someone, you go their house and sit outside under a grass mat spending time reflecting on what you have done to the other that has upset them and how you can restore the relationship.”

Being under the mat opens you to the Spirit. Under the mat, there is a sense of brokeness. We sit; we wait. This time continues until the other person or family comes out and lifts the mat off of you to restore your relationship once again. The truth is: we all long for restoration –  it is by mercy and grace that we are restored. “The grass mat is also a symbolic place where we sit around together to make conversation and connections that reach consensus. It is a practice of waiting on the wisdom of others to reach a good decision. “You must give up your individualism, says Amelia, for the sake of community.”

“In some parts of the world, we hear the words: “I want or I need…”  In Australia, we use the words:  “We hope… or we yearn…” Consensus places the value on what is best for everyone and is entered into with prayerful humility and patience. “It is more vested in the future than in the past.”

Amelia recognizes the many individuals who have held a safe space for her to be part of the Christian community and invite her to use her gifts and talents. She affirms the decision of the WMC Steering Committee to try a consensus model in its business deliberations. “It is a wonderful way to provide a respectful space for all people to participate and reach a decision.”  She observed that women and minorities tend to participate more in groups that use consensus to reach decisions rather than in those that use parliamentary procedures.

Lessons Learned by the WMC

People of various cultural backgrounds appreciate using consensus in groups. In fact, they prefer it as a method to make decisions in faith communities. They find it practical, respectful, and theologically relevant as a way to determine God’s will.

Read here what five other members of the WMC thought about  the consensus process training in Seoul.

How deep is your root system?

A good root system – the key to health!

The largest living organism in the world is a quaking aspen tree known as the “Trembling Giant”. This single tree has over 47,000 stems, covers 106 acres, is 80,000 years old and weighs 13 million pounds. Impressive, eh?How has this tree survived through drought, forest fires, and pests over its long life span? It has an extensive root system that nourishes and protects the plant. Churches can also be fragile or resilient. It all depends on how strong  their root system is.

Take this short quiz to learn how firm your church’s foundation really is. Below are four qualities of a strong root system (Values, Behavior, Means of Grace, and Mission). These things are enduring. Circle the number beside each heading: 5 is high; 1 is low.

Values      1      2      3      4      5

Values are the qualities that guide your actions. It’s what sets you apart as a congregation. Usually, it’s how members describe their church. “We are a loving church”, or “We care about social justice”. You can also assess your values by how you spend money and what you plan ministry around.

Churches that have deeply held values live out of those convictions. They nourish your organization like strong roots. It is vital that members know what they are. They are in the songs we sing and the prayers we pray.

Behavior  1      2      3      4      5

Actions speak louder than words. When people treat each other with love and respect it’s noticeable. Congregations that take this seriously have a written Behavioral Covenant or Guideline. It is designed and signed by members as a way of being accountable to each other and working out differences. This Covenant is displayed where members can see it and consult it regularly. Some of the items on this guideline may include listening respectfully, being compassionate to others, etc. Healthy ways of relating to one another resemble deeply woven roots.

Means of Grace    1      2      3      4      5

John Wesley talked about God’s grace and how it strengths our faith walk.  He said that there are 2 ‘Means of Grace’: Acts of Vital Piety (worship, prayer, singing hymns, sacraments, Christian conferencing), and Acts of Compassion and Mercy (Matthew 25 ministries of meeting the real-life needs of others and working for the common good). When these practices are taken seriously they become the lifeline of life together in a congregation just as good roots make for a healthy plant. They are the basis of ministry. Primetime, not pass time, activity.

Mission      1      2      3      4     5

When we are clear about our purpose, people make good decisions and align their life together to be successful at reaching it. Congregations that have worked out their purpose statement know why they exist and prioritize activities to move them closer to this goal. A mission statement should be a brief (no more than 12 words) description of who you are. Members should have it memorized and use it to evaluate how well they are doing as a church.

How did you do?

Add up your scores and compare it to the numbers below:

15 – 20          Well done!

9  – 14           Not bad!

Under 9       Room for improvement!

As you review your responses:

A.  What area does your congregation do well?

B.   What area can it do better?

C.  Name a specific way you can boost your congregation’s root system.

 

 

 

5 Vowels for a Positive Group Life Experience

Group life is amazing!!! It can be so enriching. Group life can also be so painful. Everyone who has ever been a part of a small group knows that the experience can be either good or bad. When it is good – people thrive and ideas flourish. When it is bad people compete with one another and strive to win. Having a good group life just might come down to 5 vowels.

Group life – how many trees?

The largest living organism on the planet is found in Utah in the United States of America. The ‘Trembling Giant’ is actually one tree with 47,000 stems and one root system. It’s definitely a case of you can’t see the forest for the tree! What this plant teaches us is the importance of recognizing our roots. It’s the same with group life.

Use your 5 vowels

Good Group life comes down to honoring the basics. Review this list of 5 vowels to see if your group life is healthy:

A = Ask and answer questions graciously. Stay focused on the matter before you by asking questions that get to the other person’s feelings and best hopes rather questions that limit replies to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Help your group complete its task by staying on point. Try not to be a group hog by dominating the conversation. Be curious about what others think and value.

E = Explore together where God may be leading. Use a process that prompts people to move toward consensus whenever possible. Discuss the matter before you with integrity. Consider options carefully. Remember: you can only speak for yourself – encourage others to do the same. When you get stuck: stop and pray.

I = Inspire – Be God’s cheerleader and remain upbeat. This is done by encouraging people to be the best that they can be! So, use good communication tools such as using “I” statements to take responsibility for yourself and encourage others to do the same. Whenever possible, paraphrase what the other person has just said before responding to ensure that you heard them correctly. Words matter. Make your group a safe place for honesty.  Be transparent.

O = Observe the feelings and thoughts of others and yearn for their peace and well-being. Feelings are harder to express than opinions and thoughts. Yet, when people share their feelings they also let you know what is important to them and what values they consider as they make decisions. Monitor your feelings carefully. Respect one another.

U = seek to understand one another. The odds are high that whenever you sit in a group for discussion or decision, you may be seated with someone that holds a different view just as precious as the one you hold. Your group is not a place to convince or lobby. The most powerful words we can say to one another is “I’m interested in what you have to say.  Please, tell me more…”

Trust me – You’ve got this!

Remember these 5 vowels the next time you find yourself in a group discussion to have a positive group experience.  Create a checklist to remember good group etiquette.

A = Ask

E = Explore together where God may be leading

I = Inspire

O = Observe the feelings and thoughts of others

U = understand

A final prayer

St Benedict summed up group life well when he wrote this prayer:

Gracious and Holy Father 

give us wisdom to recognize you

intelligence to understand you

diligence to seek you

patience to wait for you

eyes to see you

a heart to meditate on you

and a life to proclaim you,

through the power of the Risen Lord. 

Amen 

 

Why have a Behavioral Covenant?

Why have a Behavioral Covenant?

I’m often told that Christians don’t need written rules for how to behave because we have the Bible. A Behavioral Covenant sets out clearly what people can expect of each other – based on Biblical principles. Therefore it makes explicit what people assume that they can expect of each other. Importantly, it holds people accountable for their actions.

Sometimes in the midst of deciding issues tempers flare, communication suffers, and people tend to make things too personal.  Even in the most polite groups, things can get out of hand and feelings can get hurt. This often happens when an important decision is on the line and the issue really matters. Yes, even in church! So we need clear and agreed benchmarks for the way we behave with each other.

What is a Behavioral Covenant?

A Behavioral Covenant is a written agreement that guides how people will treat one another. It states clearly how people will behave with each other in the spirit of Christian love.  A Behavioral Covenant states what God is calling the group to do and how the group will conduct itself.  It outlines the expectations that members of the group can depend on from one another.  Basically, it details how the community will live out its faith in loving, respectful ways.

How do you create a Behavioral Covenant?

The key leadership group is well placed to draft a Behavioral Covenant. They understand what is needed to support healthy communication and respect in a group / congregation.

While the drafting can be done by a few people, involve as many people as possible  in identifying the content. A congregational meeting to explain Behavioral Covenants and why they’re important can get the process off to a good start.  Read passages of Scripture that guide our life together:  Matt. 5:9; 23-24, Luke 6:27-36, John 13:34, Romans 8:28-29 & 12:10, 1 Cor. 12, 2 Cor. 10:5, Ephesians 4:1-6, Gal. 5:19-26, 1 Cor. 11:1, Titus 2:7, Col. 3:12-17, Phil. 2:3-4, 1 Thes. 5:12-26, James 1:2-4, 19, etc. Specifically, I ask people how they want others to treat them and gather a list of those qualities.

The responses provide the content for a small writing group to develop into the draft Behavioral Covenant.  Once this is accomplished, it should be presented to the Church Council for support and revisions.  Arrange a time to present the final version to the church so people can ask questions and understand it.

How do you make it work?

People need to agree to the Behavioral Covenant.  Signing an official church copy and / or committing to it in the context of worship are ways of showing agreement.

Regularly remind embers of the church  of the content of the Behavioral Covenant and encourage them to abide by it. Include the Covenant in the induction process for Committee members. Membership classes and regular liturgical affirmation of the Behavioral Covenant are important ways to embed the values in a congregation.

Each member of the group has a role in the Covenant.  Mutuality is vital. It helps keep people accountable for their actions. When behavior turns disresepctful, a quiet reminder of your agreement is enough to rein in improper behavior.

Benefits

There are many benefits of a Behavioral Covenant:

  • forms community that is respectful and loving
  • gives support to bearing one another’s burdens (Galatian 6:2)
  • clarifies what you can expect from the group and what they can expect from you
  • helps people discern and discuss difficult issues n a civil manner without a win/loose mentality
  • keeps the well-being of the group primary (not a segment or small part of the congregation)
  • makes each person responsible for the behavior of the group
  • models how a Christian community should act

What to include

A Behavioral Covenant has 6 basic parts:

  1. A sense of shared purpose based on your mission (name of church, location, and why the group exists).
  2. Loving ways to treat one another.  This is based on your shared values and sense of identity as a Christian community.
  3.  Agreement to abide by the Covenant as members of the church.  Most churches make it a necessity to agree to the covenant in order to serve in a leadership position. Ideas to consider include:-
    • to pray for one another
    • regularly attend worship and study
    • practice direct, open communication – not gossip
    • use ‘I’ statements to express yourself
    • listen respectfully, ask questions for clarification
    • seek to understand rather than judge
    • be honest
    • avoid stereotyping
    • speak the truth in love, gentleness and patience
    • recognize that other viewpoints and opinions may be valid
    • forgive one another
    • focus on common interests and not positions/opinions
    • trust one another
    • be hard on issues and soft on people
    • honor and support the decisions made by the group
    • electronic communication (phone calls, and email) should be treated the same as face-to-face conversation
    • what would you add?
    1. Brief paragraph about your intent to honor this Behavioral Covenant and to live as a people of faith in witness to the world around us.
    2. Set a date for evaluation and review of how the Covenant is working
    3. Gather signatures and date.

Congregations find it helpful to keep the Behavioral Covenant before the congregation in a wide variety of ways so that their efforts are effective: Web page, Poster framed in the church, Book mark, Bulletin insert, Sermon series, Bible Study, etc.  Use the Behavioral Covenant regularly in your leadership training. People are more likely to support something when they are clear about expectations for behavior.