Category: Trust

Understanding and Working Through the 7 Levels of Conflict

Conflict occurs when 2 or more people or ideas try to occupy the same place at the same time.  Understanding the 7 Levels of Conflict helps you understand the root causes and how to respond appropriately.

Note:  if a situation is mishandled, the level of conflict escalates. So it is always best to recognize the level and address it in a timely manner.

 

Level 1: Peace in the Valley

Level 1 is basically the phase where all is well.  Ministry is happening. Nothing is wrong and people work well together.  Unfortunately, this level is fleeting – it needs attention to thrive.

Possible responses include:

  1.  Hold a shared vision before the group
  2. Monitor actions between people and groups
  3. Encourage creativity
  4. Establish a Behavioral Covenant (link)
  5. Practice good communication – use “I” statements

Level 2:  We Have a Problem to Solve Together

Level 2 is all about having a mutual problem to solve.  It’s about information. Perhaps there is a new ministry that needs space in the church or there is now a need for a nursery. At this phase, there is a high level of respect and trust.  You won’t find any personal attacks here.  The focus is on the present and what is possible.  You may notice some misinformation. People may not understand the need for a new ministry.  Perhaps an older Sunday school class is the perfect spot for the nursery because of its proximity tot he Sanctuary.

Possible responses include:

  1.  Focus on the facts
  2. Define the problem
  3. Share information
  4. Encourage collaboration to search for the best options to resolve the problem

At Level 2 it is important to train people on how to work through disagreements.  Set clear boundaries.  Be hard on the issue and soft on people.  Work for a win-win solution.

Level 3: We disagree but I want to look good!

Conflict can be caused by funding challenges and where the money is spent.  Offering a second worship service to reach new people.  Even setting a vision for the future can cause tensions to flare.  A disagreement about the strategies and methods used to accomplish a goal can upset people if not handled well. Even the process you use to reach an important decision is not received well.

At this level, people are self-protective and the problem becomes secondary.  They form sides and want to be right or save face.  The goal is to solve a disagreement yet you will notice that there is a record kept of wrongs against people.  Triangulation occurs and trust suffers.  People sometimes cast doubts on other people’s intent.  Things begin to get messy.

Possible responses include:

  1.  Stay focused on common goals and ground
  2. Stay in the moment
  3. Help people seek to understand one another
  4. Ask clarifying questions
  5. Express feelings rather than opinions
  6. Rebuild trust
  7. When necessary: apologize!

Level 4:  We’re in a competition and I want to win!

At this level of conflict, different goals in a group are usually the culprit. You will notice that people are out to win and get their way regardless of what it does to others.  Mutual goals are not supported at this level.  It seems like people are in a contest to win by any means possible.

When power is misused and manipulation occurs, people take sides.  There is “us” vs “them” mentality.  Assumptions flourish. Personal attacks happen. An example of this level is trying to block a second language congregation for using your facility.  It may be that a neighboring church had a fire and needs a place to worship.

Possible responses include:

  1.  Agree on ground rules
  2. Set mutually acceptable goals
  3. Talk separately with the various parties involved to clarify assumptions and check reality.  Discern the needs, objectives, and challenges of the groups involved.
  4. Use liturgical means to bring about healing (prayers of confession, anointing, etc.)
  5. Call in a crisis team or a trained facilitator to help people work through their situation in a just manner.

Level 5:  We will protect ourselves – You must leave!

This level of conflict is often directed at a Pastor or new members who come with different ideas on how to accomplish things.  It tends to focus on the norms or things that we believe.

In this situation, people want to protect their group.  They feel that there way of doing things or their core beliefs are being threatened.  Tensions escalate from the last level as people begin to plot to get rid of someone or a group.

You may notice that there are now organized factions that are causing people to fight or flee.  “You” statements are voiced.  People feel attacked and conflict becomes personal.  Some members feel uncomfortable with what is happening and panic – others leave.

Appropriate responses include:

  1.  Separate people from the issues
  2. Allow people to leave with dignity
  3. Surface majority and minority views
  4. Set boundaries
  5. Use good organizational processes
  6. Generate options for mutual gain
  7. Focus on interests not positions
  8. Hire a mediator

Level 6:  We’re at war and I will destroy you!

When things get out of hand and you reach this point, it is painful to everyone involved.  Groups want to destroy the other and are out for revenge.  Core values seem under attack. Deep positions become intense. There is actual talk of eradicating the opposition.

At this level, you will notice several things:  people forget that caused the conflict in the first place, issues become causes, people think the ends justify the means.  They become fanatical.  Positions deeper.

An example of this level that I see most often is getting rid of your pastor.  It’s not enough to get them “fired” – some have contacted the next congregation considering their call. Congregations that reach this point often split.

Possible responses include:

  1.  Provide a cooling-off time
  2. Stand down dysfunctional leaders for a set time (i.e. they can’t serve for a year, or until they receive training, etc.)
  3. Hire a neutral arbitrator and agree to split or separate
  4. Have a peace-keeping force (neutral third party)
  5.  Design a treaty the parties will agree to keep.
  6. Troublemakers must be disempowered or asked to leave

Level 7: Mutual Destruction

The name of the level says it all.  This is where a congregation is no longer viable.  Earlier attempts to resolve the conflict were not successful. A judicatory officer may then be invited to come and help disperse assets and other resources so they can be used in ministry by others.

Sadly, I witnessed this level in a suburban church.  The congregation was growing quickly and decided to build a new educational building. After much discussion, it was decided that the space would be used for children and youth ministry.  Money was raised.  As the building was completed, a small group made the decision to move the adults into a nice, new space.  Feeling betrayed, parents of children and youth threatened to leave if the church leaders did not honor their agreement.  When the Church Council refused, the parents and their families left leaving only a handful behind to pay the mortgage.  Unable to make payments,  the church building was put up for sale and the congregation disbanded.

Conclusion

It is essential to recognize the level of conflict and respond appropriately.  It teaches us how to work through difficult situations with a sense of grace and purpose.  When the level of conflict is managed well, everyone wins and the congregations become resilient.

Cross-Cultural Sensitivity

We often take for granted culture, question established practices, and make assumptions from our own particular world view. This rarely supports the strong respect necessary to help others with diverse backgrounds work productively on the issues and challenges we all face.

Today, the church is not only a multi-cultural body of Christ- it also serves a globally diverse world with a myriad of cultures. Today, an ability to reach across the cultures to offer Christ and make Christ known is an essential gift that church members can share if they are culturally savvy.

The neighborhood where I grew up was a place of white faces that came from Italy, Germany, Poland or Ireland. This was reflected in the various languages spoken and the wonderful food we shared.  I recognized from a very early age that people came from different places and did things differently.  Yet, we had one thing in common:  a desire to respectfully work together.  To understand one another and be understood. This was especially true at church where we sat on committees or worked on projects side by side. One example of this happening was the various cultures that came together to build the new church building – side by side.  There were many successful fundraisers:  Polish Sausage sandwiches, Spaghetti Diners, Saurerkraut sales, and of course, St. Patrick’s Day Irish Corned Beef.

Today,  that same neighborhood and church are full of a greater variety of cultures:  European, Asian, African, and Hispanic.  There are various holidays and festivals that bring people together.  But the road has not always been easy!

Each culture has it’s own styles of communicating, making decisions, and resolving conflict.  Gone are the days (if they ever existed), that there is one way to do things.

Perhaps you have been asked to mediate a conflict in a Korean congregation or work with a Hispanic fellowship to establish a new worship center in your community. What can you do if you find yourself working cross-culturally?

Here are some practical steps to improve your CQ (Cultural Competency):

Establish Trust

    • Convey your desire to be culturally sensitive early on the process.
    • Be clear about why you are there and what you need from the group to complete the work requested, as well as naming what you have to offer to the process.
    • Acknowledge that you are aware that you have much to learn from the other group(s).
    • Focus on the shared task ahead.  Form community: hard to create – even harder to sustain.
    • Be sure to seek feedback when you see people behaving in ways that are puzzling to you.
    • Remember people care about what you know when they know that you care about them.
    • Be vulnerable.  When you do not know something or an issue is beyond your expertise, name it.
    • Discover who some of the key shareholders are in the group and go to them to ask for their support to accomplish the task that you were given. Ask them what you need to know about the group’s culture that would help them accept you and make you a better contributor.
    • Bottom line:  learn the culture you are working with (customs, ways of making decisions, even some keywords or phrases).

Get to know members of the other group

    • Take the time to listen to people’s stories and experiences.  I often ask people to share pictures of important people or celebrations in their life with me as a way to introduce ourselves. I then do the same.
    • Encourage people from the other culture to use their skills for the welfare of the entire group and the shared goals.
    • Foster healthy, strong relationships among members of the group.  Take time for team building.
    • Establish good bonds with participants that will help you be effective in working with the group
    • Don’t generalize.
    • Try not to intervene too quickly when people are on opposite sides of an issue or decision.  Ask guiding questions to surface common ground.

Form a team of Culturally Inclusive Leaders

    • This is a team of people from the group who can help you work through your process (lead listening sessions for you, remind people of meetings and assignments, lead Devotions or times of Centering, etc.
    • Invite this Team to generate communications and be part of a feedback loop.
    • Demonstrates an ability to work with and appreciate others cross-culturally.
    • Embrace diversity.  Give a little to the others on a team to accomplish and accept their way of getting the job done even if it is a method you have not used in the past.  Be sure to stay in the loop and monitor how the work gets done.
    • Encourage!

Promote Open, Honest Communication

    • Keep instructions simple and ask for clarity when necessary
    • Have an interpreter present especially if you are working with 1st generation immigrants or members of the culture who do not speak English well.
    • Request that the group be direct and speak to others not about them.  No triangulation.
    • Avoid slang and jargon. Literal interpretations are often misunderstood.
    • Learn to respect silence. It means respect in several cultures because it demonstrates a willingness to listen.  Be patient when asking questions or providing choices.
    • Don’t accept myths about the other culture
    • Resolution skills practiced should always give the work back to the people.  This brings an increased awareness of how members can best resolve conflict in the future.
    • Put things in writing.  Ensure that they are distributed to the right people and at the same time if possible.
    • Adapt customs of the culture you are working with into the process you have designed.  For example, when I am working with a group from the South Pacific Islands I frequently convene a Soamoan Listening Circle to surface thoughts and feelings. It works!

Set a clear, compelling direction

    • Explain the process clearly and invite questions for clarity.
    • Be sure that participants understand why you are there and what the end product is of the work.
    • Involve every participant in the process. Let them know that every person is essential to completing the task before them whether it is assessing a Pastor, moving to a new location, resolving conflict, etc.
    • Stay focused on your goals.
    • Evaluate progress by the steps you have taken to facilitate the group dealing with their issues, make good decisions, or resolve conflict.
    • Don’t take slow-downs personally. Listen to the stories and be patient.  This is one way a culture communicates its values and boundaries.

Explore Differences Within the Group

    • Treat others as they want to be treated.
    • Acknowledge the “fault lines” present in the group by naming the distinctions within the group. They may be generational, gender, language, place of birth, etc.
    • Know what motivates participants.  Why should they work with you?  What do you add that they can do themselves?
    • Manage friction with sensitivity.

Create clear rules of engagement and maintain them

    • Incorporate practices from various cultures. Examples include using a talking piece when speaking in the group, or sitting in a circle to hear the wisdom of the elders.
    • Establish norms for behavior.  I am a firm behavior in establishing a covenant with a group on how they want to be treated and treat others.
    • Stick with established guidelines so you do not get off track.
    • Be polite yet firm when someone acts outside of Covenant.  Re-invite the person to stand inside the Covenant or let them remove themselves from the work.

Resolve Conflict Quickly

    • When you observe tension in the group deal with it swiftly.  Don’t let it fester.
    • Use the cultural perspectives of the group to serve as a cultural bridge.  For example, in Asian cultures, you do not cause another person to lose face (be embarrassed in pubic).

Benefits of Working Cross-Culturally

Why do all this work?  Why develop sensitivity and appreciation of working with various cultures beyond your own?

There are many benefits:

    1. The ability to plan and adapt your work for various audiences leads to a stronger process and greater effectiveness professionally.
    2. Other people bring cultural insights that you will find helpful even when working with your own culture.  I have learned many tools from cross-cultural work that are fun and engaging.
    3. Being collegial across cultural lines improves relationships and expands your network. I have discovered that despite cultural differences there is a common core that remains the same among humans:  love, care, respect, encouragement, etc.
    4. The more culturally diverse the group is, the greater the array of options generated. You get a better solution that people can live with later.
    5. Because the world is growing more diverse, I find myself curious when encountering cultural distinctions. I am better for each encounter.

One of the most important things that you can do is to be a lifelong learner of working with others cross-culturally.  A great resource offered by the Evangelical Lutherans in the USA is a short workbook: http://download.elca.org/ELCA%20Resource%20Repository/Talking_Together_As_Christians_Cross_Culturally_A_Field_Guide.pdf

Conclusion

Perhaps it is easier to work with people just like you yet the world is so diverse and exciting for the many people who live in this world.  The odds of you encountering people from a different culture are more likely today than ever before. These encounters are not to be feared but embraced. Our challenge is to be aware of our cultural bias and blindspots.

As a church consultant, I welcome the opportunity to share my skills and abilities with others regardless of culture.  It’s not a barrier to me because I have learned how to be culturally sensitive and recognize that I have even further to go.

The Gospel is intended for all people regardless of where they were born or the language they speak.  Wasn’t it Paul who once said that in Christ there is no black or white, East or West, male or female…?  The Apostle was talking about surface things that tend to divide us when in fact they are strengths that can unite us.

Perhaps the task of cross-cultural conversation and work may be to discern and develop effective ways to talk and work together.  To do this, we must own our own culture and biases and be willing to embrace another’s culture with curiosity and respect.

Cross-cultural sensitivity doesn’t just happen. It is challenging and hard works yet it is possible to do.  What’s your CQ?

I hope you found this article helpful.  Drop me a line and let me know your cross-cultural learnings that help shape your ministry. I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

 

Simple Steps to Break an Impasse

Have you ever been in the midst of making a decision and got stuck rather than moved forward? Often parties can discover a creative resolution to a problem by themselves. Sometimes, they reach an impasse where they cannot agree together on what to do.  A mediator or a neutral 3rd party can intervene and help to break the impasse.

Here are a few interventions which can break through an impasse

  •  Agree to stay in the process until a just resolution is found
  • Break the issue down into smaller parts and deal with the easiest first
  • Identify the goal (what do you both want to accomplish).
  • Consult an expert to supply needed facts or advice
  • Review the parties’ priorities and name common interests
  • Meet with the parties separately to explore a willingness to compromise
  • Try to get people to express what they originally expected the solution to be
  • Encourage people to acknowledge the other’s point of view and best hopes
  • Ensure the people want to end the conflict and ask for their help
  • Ask the parties to describe what the ideal solution would look like
  • As you and the others share what is important to you, you should be able to start identifying common areas and action steps
  • Focus on how the solution would affect an involved third party
  • Compliment the parties for reaching earlier points of agreement and est their willingness to compromise
  • Name the consequences of not working together
  •  Wisely use silence and questions about feelings
  • Look for points of agreement or mutual needs. Respect is something both parties usually want and is a good place to start if you are both stuck.
  • State what both parties have to lose
  • Identify the real problem or issue. Uncover the “real” issues or needs.
  • Meet in a relaxed environment with refreshments
  •  Ask open-ended questions. “How can we resolve this?”
  • Call a timeout and give a homework assignment for them to complete
  • Brainstorm options and tell them which alternative is closest to their need
  • Pray (not Prey) for each other
  • Avoid using words like, “ought” or “should.” Those are blaming words and make people defensive.
  • Look at examples of how others in a similar situation have reached a resolution
  • Work with one of the parties to break the impasse while in the company of the other

What other techniques would you add to the list?

Working through an impasse well is possible. Often, people will follow your leadership in reaching a creative solution to the challenges they face if they know that you have their best interest at heart.

Trust by Design – a book review

Trust doesn’t just happen. Trust is earned. Trust is learned. This is the heart of Dr Amy Valdez Barker’s exploration of trust in her timely book Trust by Design: the Beautiful Behaviors of an Effective Church Culture (Abingdon, 2017).

The importance of trust

Trust is essential for the effective working of any social relationships. Dr Valdez Barker names the painful reality that in many churches, including her own, trust has broken down. As a result there is discord, division and hopelessness about the future. However, she refuses to lose hope and calls her readers to find the foundations for trust through their trust in God. Ultimately trust is an act of faith. Faith that God has designed a world in which trust is possible and necessary.

The thesis of Trust by Design

Trust by Design  looks at Biblical examples of change and contemporary examples of where systems of trust are being designed. Then this material is followed by opportunity for personal reflection.

Readers are encouraged to recognise that the lack of trust in their context. And to see that it is due to the absence of the faith foundations on which trust is built. Through the chapter headings trust and faith; trust and hope, trust and love Christians are called to examine the quality of their discipleship – personal and corporate; and to identify the places where the foundations of trust are lacking.

Faith in God’s goodness leads us to trust. When there is faith in God that makes it possible to have trust in others who bear the name of Christ. Hope makes it possible to trust as we believe that our actions play a part in making our hopes to come to realization. Having hope / goals provides us with paths / steps that we can take, confident that we have some agency in bringing about that for which God hopes.

At pages 59 and 60 Dr Valdez Barker calls out Christians. “We have fallen out of love with one another.” Our lack of love for each other “has caused us to distrust one another and the institutions that once held us together.”

How to use this book

Readers are offered a tool through which to diagnose the theological / faith reasons for why there is a lack of trust in their community. Her hope is that once recognised, leaders will work at rebuilding the faith in God, lack of hope and the abandonment of love that has resulted in a breakdown of trust. The book would have been helpful to a wider audience by the inclusion of some practical tools and guidance about how this might be done. Not everyone is able to devise the ways of doing this theological work and some worksheets or illustrations would have been helpful.

As I read the book I was moved to prayer and reflection. I remembered situations where trust was lacking in my life – in me or others. My mind raced with examples and wonderings about what to do in the face of these realities. I wanted a prayer journal next to me so that I could write down the people, places and things that the text was bringing to mind. I encourage readers to use this book as a devotional text. It can draw you into deep prayer and honest reflection about your part in the trust systems of your church.

Conclusion

The author understands very well that it is hard to restore broken trust. So she offers many examples about how trust is formed and rebuilt in society, as well as churches.

In the face of sad and harsh realities Dr Valdez Barker refuses to let the members of her church off lightly. She challenges them that it is not an option to decide to not trust each other. In this way she takes the stance of the Old Testament prophet. She calls out the unfaithfulness of God’s people and points them to what the living God expects of them.

At the end of the day trust is not an optional extra in the Christian life. Trust is a core practice that arises from faith. Belief in God’s goodness, the hope and the capacity for love that God has put in us through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ makes trust a core test of our faithfulness to Jesus.

Trust by Design by Dr Amy Valdez Barker (available from Cokesbury and Amazon) is a thoughtful, well prepared resource. It is both a challenge and a gift to the church.