Communication – let’s listen!

Communication is at the heart of any relationship. Communication is at the core of a discernment process. Most often meeting participants focus on talking. Yet effective communication requires that people take more care in listening than in talking!

Communication 101

It is a basic principle of communication that there is no communication if the recipient does not receive the information that the presenter is seeking to convey. So great care should be taken to ensure that information is presented in language, style, tone and ways that improve the chance of the other person understanding what is going on. All that makes good sense. So it should be followed by any person who wants to be an effective communicator.

However, the focus in this standard lesson about good communication is on the speaker. The speaker is the centre of attention. It is what the speaker does that is seen as the key to being a good communicator. Certainly, that is a wise point of reference. A careless communicator can ensure that the messages are lost between them and the ears or eyes of the receiver. Yet the presenter is only half of the equation. What is the responsibility of the other party to the communication?

It takes two to tango

Just like a dance goes better with two people – the same goes for communication. One dancer may lead but the other must be actively responding. A good dancing pair works together – each with different roles to produce the desired moves.

People who are receiving input have a responsibility to play their part in the communication dance. Whether you are listening to a speaker or reading written material, it’s your responsibility to pay close attention.

When you are involved in a discernment process it is imperative that you listen. In many meetings, there are too many people who want to talk but not listen. There are also people who don’t talk but don’t want to listen either! Usually, these are people who have already made up their mind and are not open to new points of view. Communication fails because one partner is not fulfilling their role – listening.

In many discernment processes, coloured cards are used as a way of responding to what has been said. The expectation is that everyone will express a response to every speaker. This practice puts listening front and centre in the process. If you are not listening then you can’t show a card. If you don’t show a card then it becomes obvious who is engaged in the process and who is not.

In the movement of presenting a view and offering a response the dance of discernment unfolds.

Tips for good listening

Pay attention to the feelings, hopes and dreams that are expressed in the words that are said. These are always more important than the words themselves when it comes to working out what people need.

Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people mess things up in how they say things. I have seen a lot of people hurt when they see more in what is said than was intended by the speaker.  Sure the lead communicator has a responsibility to be careful and clear. But nothing is lost by cutting a speaker a bit of slack when they say something that may be insensitive, misunderstanding or otherwise unhelpful. Listen for goodwill and shared goals until you have a good reason not to expect it.

Listen for the big picture. When working towards making a decision don’t only get into the nitty-gritty. As you listen ask yourself “what is the big picture here?” If you are gifted for it every meeting needs someone who can identify themes and common threads in the many different things that are being said. If you listen for these you can help a discernment process by offering summaries, reframing and suggestions for a way forward that takes up these broad themes. Summaries are a great way to move the conversation towards a decision.

Keep quiet! Keep your mind open and receptive. Stop the self-talk of rehearsing your next speech or what you are planning for the weekend. Don’t use social media during a speech. Consider whether your point has already been made before jumping in.

However, this tip is particularly for those people in a meeting who actually don’t want anyone else to have a say. They prefer their own position and by talking all the time they try to drown out other voices. There are bullies in meetings. There are people who intimidate others – sometimes without even knowing it.

Dealing with dominating people

If you are in a situation where people feel intimidated then this is a difficult challenge. I encourage you to think of the ways through which you can increase their silence and bolster the courage of those they intimidate.

One option might be to go around the group and ask everyone to offer something to the discussion. For some issues, a leader could write up the comments – or maybe the themes that are emerging. This gives visibility to all opinions, reduces the input of the bully and builds a team approach to resolving the issue. Discussion in smaller groups and sharing the outcome can also encourage voices because it depersonalises the points that are brought forward. As such it gives people a little protection and means that they don’t stand alone with their point of view.

Leaders – listen for the group dynamics and address those that are unhealthy or unhelpful. If the techniques that enhance inclusion do not work then the bully needs to be confronted in an appropriate way. Church meetings are exercises in the expression of discipleship. We should not let people get away with behaviour in a meeting that would be unacceptable at morning tea after worship.

Conclusion

Good communication is essential in our meetings. By learning to be a good listener you are making an invaluable contribution to the developing discernment of the group. When we listen the Holy Spirit can move and God’s leading unfold before our very eyes.