Christians can be too “nice” in a conflict
As a rule Christians don’t like to be assertive or to make problems for other people. Somehow Christians have got the message that the proper thing to do is to keep things peaceful.
Keeping the peace is not a Christian virtue. Bad people get away with bad behaviour because not enough people are prepared to resist what they do and say. Therefore, it is important to understand your rights when you are involved in a negative form of conflict. You don’t have to put up with bad behaviour – stand up for yourself!
Your Rights in a Conflict
Here are 10 things that you are entiteld to do or expect if you are in a conflict that has turned unhealthy.
1. Say “no”
If you are being pushed around or are having demands put on you then refuse to go along with it. So, usually, bullies win because they manage to wear down the resistance of others. Refusing to accept the dictates of an aggressive opposite in an argument is the first right that you have. Saying “no” can put a spike in the wheels of runnaway aggression.
2. Object to how you are treated
Don’t accept that the other person can control the way that things are going to be done. Be prepared to say that “this is not the way we do things around here.” Remind the person (and others) of the expectations that your community has about how people behave. If your group has a “Behavioural Covenant” or “Code of Conduct” now is the time to refer to it.
3. Disagree
Be ready and willing to present an alternative case. The combative person is not the only one with good ideas. Trust your experience and wisdom. And be ready to share it with the wider group. Just because someone has a different opinion to you does not mean that you have to be silent.
4. Speak up for yourself
When people move from a positive and constructive approach to conflict they can get domineering. So if a person is behaving like they are the only ones to listen to then it is time to speak up. Don’t wait for an opponent to ask what you think. They won’t because they don’t care what you think.
It is important to learn to be assertive and to step into the fray. Don’t wait for permission and don’t wait for other people to speak for you. Trust yourself and get into the debate.
5. Express affection
Just because other people want to put down their opponents and turn them into enemies it doesn’t mean that you have to be like that too. Loving one’s enemies is a Christian virtue. So make sure that you never lose sight of the humanity of the other person in the argument. Show them respect, consideration and concern for their needs. Showing affection can be a game changer for the mood of a meeting.
6. Say “I am angry”
Owning emotions is honest and healthy. If emotions get buried because people do not think they should express anger, or other emotions, then they will pop up somewhere else.
You are allowed to be angry. Anger is a legitimate emotion and when properly expressed can help the person and the process in which they are engaged. Important to note is the value of using “I” statements. Saying “I am angry” is far more helpful than “You make me so angry”.
7. Say “I am hurt”
At times people don’t realise the harm that their behviour or words are doing to other people. If no one tells them then it is easy for them to keep on doing the same thing.
Your feelings are important and you don’t have to put up with the hurt caused by the behaviour of others. Once again “I” statements are very powerful at these times.
8. Risk being wrong
When we are in difficult situaitons it is possible that we have misunderstood someone. So at times we need to take the risk and check in with a person about whether we have heard them correctly. In a tense situation don’t get fooled into thinking that you are always in the right. Take the risk of getting good information by asking if you have correctly understood the other person.
9. To apologize
It’s alright to admit that you have made a mistake and to apologize for it. Many a conflict continues because one or more of the parties lacks humility. You have the right to admit when you have made a mistake and to get things back on an even keel with an apology. You have the right to be hopeful that strained relationships can be repaired through a genuine apology.
10. Others?
What rights would you add to the list? Remember that the rights that you want for yourself are the rights that you also have to give to others.
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