Tag: division

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

 Conflict and Difficult People

Sometimes it is easy to think of anyone who gets in the way of our goals as a difficult person! However taking such a view is to see conflict / disagreement / encouragement to pay attention to other views as a negative experience. Here at makingchurchdecisions.com we consider conflict to be a place for growth. Meeting people with whom we disagree, or who are different from us, invites us to new learning and growth. Conflict is not a bad thing! Combat is optional.

However some negative experiences of conflict arise because we have to deal with difficult people. Difficult people are those who – for whatever reason – do not make a constructive contribution to resolving a conflict. The example might be people who are negative as attempts are made to work through a shared issue. Or it could be that they behave in a way that creates unnecessary tension or strains in relationships.

Examples of Difficult Behaviours

People who are stubborn and refuse to entertain any view but their own are a classic example of people who are difficult to deal with. They turn a healthy conflict into a combat zone. Such people range from those who refuse to take seriously an alternative point of view through to those who put down and belittle alternative opinions.

Still others insist on focusing on things that are irrelevant or minor in the scheme of the issue that is being discussed. We all know the people who want to get into minute detail on something when what is needed is to explore the big themes and grand vision.

Perhaps among the most difficult people are the straight out nasty ones! They use harsh words, put people down and speak in sterotypes. Through body language and tone they make it clear that they are in this fight to win it. Conflict for these people is always a blood sport.

It should be noted that these types of behaviour can show up and the person is not a “difficult person” by our definition. For example people can be negative and oppose things because they have a mental health problem, or are suffering from an illness like dementia, or perhaps transferring emotions from a place of personal pain, eg a deep grief. In these cases they are not being difficult people in order to win their argument. Rather they are outworking – in an unhealthy way – their own illness. We still need to deal with their difficult behaviour. However, it is worth trying to work out where the negative behaviour is coming from because it helps us choose the right intervention.

Options for responding

1.  Don’t react
This is easier said than done! Nevertheless one of the best things to do with difficult people is to suck the energy out of them. Negative people thrive on opposition – it feeds their aggression and makes them feel justified in attacking during a conflict.
Stay calm. That old advice about counting to 10 before you respond to a negative comment has a lot of merit. Process your emotions. Remember to talk slowly and reduce the volume if you hear yourself getting faster and louder
2.  Disarm your opponent
Remember that the comments of difficult people are their weapons – so decide how to take those weapons away. I have found that acknowledging the worthwhile points in an opponent’s argument can shift the tone of a conversation. If people don’t have to defend everything that they believe then it reduces the range of areas where there is contention.
Where people are nasty and agressive then a helpful, but challenging approach is offered by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: 17 – 20.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, … 20 On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

3.  Change the game by changing the frame
With difficult people this will require a different response depending on their behaviour. So, when someone is being argumentative and not wanting to hear another point of view it may be helpful to reframe the discussion. For example the discussion is about enlarging the meeting room next to the church office and buying new furniture to set it up. One person may be fixated on cost and arguing against luxurious furniture in the church. By inviting that person to talk about how hospitality is shown in their workplace or home, it may help to reframe the discussion away from money to being about how to be a welcoming community.
If the difficult people are being rude, disrespectful, etc in their attempt to get their way then they need to be confronted. It is not acceptable anywhere to denigrate and put people down in order to get your way. Therefore the reframe here is to call the person out and tell them that the behaviour is unacceptable. The new frame is what is an appropriate way for people to act. Don’t let people get away with bad behviour because they are allowed to continue to think that winning is all that matters!
4.  Make it easy to say “yes”
There are many ways that this can be done but the basic idea is to get a person to work constructively on a solution. By allowing people to remain outside the solution it gives them permission to keep sniping and complaining.
So, if a person continues to make the same repetitive speech about an issue say something like “it sounds like you care a lot about A, B or C.” “Would you like to be part of the solution to the issue that is before us ?” It is pretty easy to say “yes” in response to those invitations. The goal is to find places of partnership.
In the case of bad behaviour the aim of the words might be to help them see the harm that they are doing. It is important to be very careful here so that a person doesn’t say “no” out of ignorance or spite. So know the context and person very well. Some possibilites for comment include: “Have you noticed that people in the church don’t like spending time with you when you behave this way?” “Do you know that your behaviour is hurting people?”  “Do you want to find a solution to our problems?”
5.  Make it hard to say “no”
In some ways this is very similar to the previous point. Difficult people are often very negative in their mindset. They see problems where others see possibilities. The aim is to get difficult people to see the positive in a situation so that they might be drawn into constructive rather than destructive conversations.
Some things that might be said: “Do you care for our church?” Do you want us to find a solution to this issue?” “Can you offer us some constructive options that will meet the needs of as many people as possible?”

Conclusion

Difficult people turn up in lots of places. We can’t prevent that from happening. However we need not be their victims. Most people can take up the steps that are suggested here. Of course there will be some people who have been subject to put downs for so long that their self esteem is damaged and they cannot confront people who are abusive in their way of relating to others. However many people have options and don’t need to be paralysed by bad the behaviour of difficult people.

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.

 

 

Bullying At Church – What Is It?

What is a bully?

A bully is someone who asserts their wishes on others to the detriment of the other person. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that usually involves a power imbalance. These individuals want to get their way and control others. They can cause havoc and create conflict.

Wikipedia defines bullying as the “use of force, threat, or coercion to intimidate or dominate others.” This behavior is intentional, repetitive and habitual. Bullies tend to isolate and intimidate people they perceive as weaker. Sadly, most bullies were abused as children.

Adult bullies operate in a set behavior. They are not interested in working things out or compromising their position. They want power and domination over others. They believe that they alone know best how to do things. Bullies can be staff or members of local churches.

Different types of bullying

  • Verbal: teasing,  making inappropriate comments, spreading rumors
  • Social: embarrassing someone in public, leaving a person out of a decision intentionally to belittle them, or making threats (i.e. stop giving financially to the church, leave and take people with you, etc.)
  • Physical: pushing another person, making rude gestures, or touching another person in an intimidating manner
  • Cyber: sending email threats to staff, leaders, or members to sway them to a specific action. It tends to mention anonymous support for their solution to make others believe the problem is bigger than it is, or that they are in a stronger position than they are.

9 traits that help you to recognize bullies

Thomas S. Rainer, a healthy church consultant,  describes 9 traits to recognize bullies before they do too much damage. They tend to exert their will in the following ways:

  1. See themselves as the real “heroes” who know better than others how to save the church. They are willing to fight for their outcome.
  2. Have a personal or self-serving agenda – they alone know best how the church should do things. They tend to think more highly of themselves and put others down.
  3. Form power alliances with people they perceive as weaker. Thhis is why they tend to triangulate staff members and leaders to conquer them.
  4. Show intense and emotional personalities and can “blow up” quickly.
  5. Famous for being the “storyteller” in the congregation. They claim  “people are saying…”; “If you do that then the majority of the church will leave…”; or financial giving will suffer…”; etc.
  6. Thrive in churches with low expectations of members or where membership is seen as an entitlement to get your own way.
  7. Grow more powerful and relentless when no one stands up to challenge them.
  8. Create conflict and wreack havoc by exerting excessive force, dividing people, manipulation or making threats.
  9. Move on to other churches after they have done significant damage or are forced out.

Basically, a bully says “it is my way or the highway!” They belittle others into submission or convince people to their way of thinking to keep the peace. When church staff are bullies they tend to build a fiefdom of supporters who they incite to do their work. This causes dissension.

What can be done to prevent bullying?

Remember: you have choices. When bullying exists you are either a victim, a bully, or a bystander. You are not powerless – no matter what the bullies want you to believe!

Bullying is more common in churches than most people think. The good news is that with careful attention and focused effort, bullies can be rendered powerless in your organization. Look over the following list carefully. Note what you are already doing well and celebrate it, but do not stop there. Consider adding 2-3 new things to your ministry practice to further strengthen your group.

  1. Pray – don’t prey. Encourage people to pray for God’s guidance in difficult decisions rather than be swayed by the loudest voice or view in the room. Take a time out to pray about a matter rather than rushing to a vote.
  2. Encourage people to speak up for themselves. Practice open, direct communication whenever possible. Use “I” statements to own opinions rather than speaking for others.  Respond rather than react. Bullies thrive where people are silent or passive.
  3. Have a zero tolerance for bullying. Know what it looks and feels like.  Churches with smaller cliques where key decisions are made, or where publicly made insensitive comments are left unchallenged are at a higher risk of bullies.
  4. Be a “high expectation” congregation. Be clear on what it takes to be a member. Activities such as active participation in worship and a small group is essential. Do you expect people to be annually involved in a mission project? These settings provide an opportunity to get to know one another well and strengthens the spiritual practices necessary in a faith group to treat one another well.
  5. Take bullying seriously. Don’t give advice that permits bullying. Do not excuse aggressive behavior by saying: “don’t let them get to you”, “rise above it and ignore them”, or “that’s just the way they are – we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Try to restore people that bully but do not hesitate to challenge the behavior whenever it presents itself.
  6. Know who handles complaints in your church. Every congregation deserves a committee or group that handles the discontent and murmurs.  Some denominations have a Staff-Parish, or Mutual Ministry team that addresses significant issues. An “Acts 6” group can be useful in helping  congregation deal with matters before they escalate into open conflict that handles the murmurs of members.
  7. Create a safe environment for people to be involved in the total life of the church without being bullied. Complete a Behavioral Covenant and be sure that new members know what actions are supported by the document. Review it often and display in a public place for people to see.
  8. Teach the process of descalating conflictbetween people found in Matthew 18. In the case of bullying, skip straight to the second step and provide monitors to go to the bully and be direct in what you want them to do. Let them know how their behavior is intimidating or manipulative. Ask them to stop and provide concrete ways they can be a part of the group. If they refuse to cooperate, then take it to the Church Council for appropriate action to limit the bully’s influence. It is best to lose one bully than lose several people. Exercise church discipline.
  9. Vet your leaders carefully. Get to know people and recognize their talents or gifts. Put well-qualified people in positions of authority. It’s best not just to let people volunteer for a job when you do not know them well. Be clear about meeting schedules and expectations.
  10. Create consequences. People should know what happens when a bully tries to exert their authority aggressively over a group. Provide a warning and name the next step. Bullies should not be allowed to hold leadership positions! It’s important to know that bullies tend to get stronger when left unchallenged.
  11. Use a fair process to make decisions. ParliamentaryProcessess tend to create winners and losers in an organization. It is easy with these methods to have a loud persuasive voice carry the vote or sway a decision. Consider using a consensus building process to make decisions that encourage full participation and innovative ideas to flourish. Work toward cooperation and unity that is won through respectful discussion.
  12. Train Staff. Most pastors and key leaders do not know how to handle conflict well or address obnoxious people soundly. Beware of keeping secrets and trying to deal with bullies one on one.
  13. Seek help! When you find yourself in a place where you are in over your head or the situation deteriorating quickly, do not be afraid to get help. Find someone who can take care of the situation decisively. Your Judicatory leader, local school counselor, or a trained mediator can address the situation fairly. Don’t wait too long to resolve the challenge. It only gets worse.
  14. Be more joyful than judicial. Bullies have a hard time influencing a group when things are going well and acknowledged.

 Conclusion

Bullies never leave or change on their own. If you know the warning signs you can reduce the chances of a bully getting into a place of power. However if they are at work, start to address the situation early.

In the post next week we look at why bullies operate in the church, some practical examples and some more ideas on what you can do to address them.

Worship Service of Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Conflict can be destructive in a congregation or organization. Once you deal with a major conflict in your group it is not just enough in a church context to talk about it and leave it at that. Healing – deep healing – needs to draw on spiritual resources.

So plan to bring these spiritual resources before the community of faith with a special worship service. Its order and content will focus on how to foster reconciliation and forgiveness. This helps people move on in a positive way – resourced by God to do so.

The following Order of Worship is one that I use.  Make adjustments to reflect your traditional order of worship, your denomination or culture. Involve as many people as possible by having laity read Scripture, read prayers, etc.

ORDER OF WORSHIP

FOR A SERVICE OF HEALING AND RECONCILIATION

Call to worship: 

*Opening Hymn: “The Church’s One Foundation” UMH* 545 (or other song that reminds people of their common ground)

Pastoral Prayer

Children’s message on forgiveness

Offering (special music)

Doxology

*Scripture: Exodus 3 – 4:17 (on the call of Moses) or Ephesians 4 (Unity of the Body)

Message 

     Statements of Gratitude and Affirmation

Prayer of Thanksgiving

ALL:

          We thank you, O Lord,

          for all the ways you have blessed us here at (name of church)

          You have given us gifted leaders

          You have blessed us with a community of faith

          You have endowed our lives with goodness

          You have given us the Holy Scriptures

          But most of all,

          you have given us the gift of your Son Jesus Christ

          and the healing power of your Holy Spirit.

          For all these blessings and more,

          we praise and thank you.

          Through Jesus Christ we pray, Amen

 Statements of Regret and Confession

Prayer of Confession

LEADER

If we claim that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves,

and the truth is not in us.

PEOPLE

          But if we confess our sins,

          God who is faithful and just

          will forgive our sins

          and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

LEADER

Let us confess our sins against God and our neighbor…

Moments of Silence

 PEOPLE

          Merciful God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ;

          maker of all things; judge of all people:

          we acknowledge the many sins and failures

          that we have committed

          by thought, word, and action

          against each other and against you.

          We earnestly repent.

          We are deeply sorry for our damaging words

          and our destructive behaviors.

          In your mercy forgive what we have been,

          help us to amend what we are,

          and direct what we shall be,

          so that we may delight in your will

          and walk in your ways, giving you the glory.

          Amen

LEADER

Hear the good news!

The saying is sure and worthy of full acceptance,

that Christ Jesus came into the world

to save sinners.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross,

that we might be dead to sins

and be alive to all that is good.

In the name of Jesus Christ, embrace God’s

forgiveness and peace.

Signs of God’s Peace (handshakes or embraces shared with the words:  The Peace of Christ be with you!  Response:  And also with you!)

Holy Communion (Pastor)

Annointing (Lay leader) (Make the sign of the cross with oil on people’s right hands with the words:  (Name), live as a forgiven child of God)

 Closing Hymn: “Blest Be the Tie That Binds” UMH 557

Benediction/Sending

  • UMH refers to the United Methodist Hymnal

This Order of Worship is especially meaningful after your congregation has worked through a serious conflict and people have owned their part in the tension and agree to work together in peace.

9 reasons you may struggle to bring change – and what to do about it (Pt 2)

Bringing about change needs energy! In electricity, resistance is a measurement of the difficulty encountered by a power source in forcing electric current through a circuit. So it also indicates the amount of power used up in the circuit.

Measuring resistance let’s you know how much energy it will take to get a result. The same applies when bringing change to an organisation. If you use too little energy then the resistance will prevent the power moving through the system. If you have too much energy coming to low resistance then you’ll blow up the circuit!

So it is worthwhile to examine your group for resistance (and other challenges) as you decide the best way to bring about change!

‪1. It just doesn’t fit the official picture.

Churches develop a culture just like any other group. Part of the culture of a group is the way that decisions get made. What this means is that sometimes change doesn’t happen because it just doesn’t fit the “official” culture.

A consensus approach may even be seen to be working in other situations but “that is them” and “this is us”. When something doesn’t feel like a natural fit, or like a clash of cultures, then people resist considering it. Change to something different needs to feel like a “fit” for a group.

Strategies to change culture in a group

The first thing to note is that cultures in groups are complicated. There is not just one culture or value. There are many values in a group. It is just that some get more prominence than others.

So, when thinking about the different cultures of a consensus discernment approach and a parliamentary style, ask where the common ground might be.  By identifying the common values you can then offer consensus building approaches as the way to support the traditional values. For example parliamentary ways of making decisions value the right of anyone to participate in the debate; resist capricious actions by the Chair in favor of democracy; value clear reasons and principled decision-making; and want people to accept the final decision; among others. These are all held in common with consensus building approaches to decision-making!

Talk about the common values. Give prominence to the once that align with consensus based approaches. Then recommend consensus strategies that affirm and support the group’s cultural values. This is not so much about changing a culture as realigning its priorities so that it is more true to what it says. Now that could change how things look and feel!

Change of culture often requires that the dominant culture is challenged. One great way to do this in the context of church meetings is to remind people of the broader culture of the Christian faith. Many times people behave in meetings in ways that just don’t look like mature Christian behavior. So point out the culture of the group and what we understand to be the proper culture of the church.  A Bible study on the character of Christian community is a great tool to help people reflect on their practice. Or develop a worksheet that lists the practices of the group in one column and Christian virtues in another. Get people to draw links between them and see how many are not aligned with Christian virtues – or could be changed to better reflect / support Christian practices.

2. A lack of people who understand how the process works.

Absolutely an issue!! When people have a bad experience of a consensus building process it can put them off it for a very long time. It’s a pity the same doesn’t seem to happen when Roberts Rules of Order give people a bad experience!

Induct, train and coach

It is not fair or smart to expect people to change to a process that they do not understand. Therefore before bringing in any change you have to train people in the process. In the context of a meeting you need to induct them by walking through the key points. This is not just the flow of the meeting and the techniques. It is also very important to speak about the values that lie behind the process – the “why” and not just the “how”.

The times I’ve been involved in ‘unsuccessful’ consensus decision making the main problem has been that the meeting chairperson doesn’t understand, or sufficiently understand, the process. Therefore this key leader cannot help people to use it well. It is impossible to overstate the importance of thorough training for Chairpersons and others who will lead the process. Key leaders also include the meeting secretary, people presenting proposals, small group leaders and the Facilitation Group (if using them).

Even the number one ranked tennis players in the world have a coach. So it makes sense that when you are using a new process you should have a coach. Don’t underestimate the value of having someone alongside you as you learn to implement the consensus approach to discernment. The coaching can include helping you to prepare, comprehensively, for the meeting; responding to questions and scenarios that you expect to face or have met in a meeting; even being present at a meeting to assist you on site. I encourage you to think about what kind of coaching option is best for you.

3. Things get really confusing and the discussion rambles on

A very common complaint is that because consensus often seems to be asking people why they can’t agree to what has just been said, the talk just goes on and on. “We never seem to get anywhere” is a complaint that I have heard a bit.

Related to this concern is that many people don’t know what they are making a decision on. The ramble leads to confusion about what is being discussed and therefore what has been decided. Clearly, a consensus approach isn’t helpful when it ends in an untested ramble and no one knows what was decided. Deliberation has to end in a decision or no discernment has happened.

When the decision taken is not clear to people then you often have people saying later that “I didn’t agree to that”. Or, for other reasons, there is less support for a decision than there should be.

How to cut through the ramble and confusion

The first thing to do is to have a Chairperson who understands the process! When asking for input from people who are showing a blue card there are more options than asking “Why don’t you agree?” That can be a useful question but it often leads to the dead ends that were discussed above.

There isn’t space here to go into all the training but Chairpersons and other leaders need to hold a key goal in mind as they think about how to move the discussion forward. The goal of the process is to build consensus.

If we are going to achieve that goal we need to be exploring what will overcome the reasons that a person is showing a blue card. So a follow up question might be “What could be done to help address your concern?” Or if it has come up a few times ask “Does anyone have any ideas about how we can meet these needs?” A Chairperson or secretary could summarise and / or reframe the issues that are being raised (by one or more people) and offer a way forward. There is an end point to the process! Keep working to overcome the reasons that people cannot support the option that is before the meeting.

Confusion at the point of making a decision is best avoided by being clear at each point on the wording as it is developed. In larger meetings it is a good idea to have the words of the proposal on a screen and make changes as the discussion progresses. The changes can be agreed to as the discussion proceeds. So that by the time the group is ready to conclude the discussion there will be little left to adjust.

At the point of determination always read out the words that will be recorded as the decision of the meeting. Just because the process is incredibly fluid doesn’t mean that it has to be sloppy at the end!

4. We don’t need training in how to be Christian!

I have certainly met people who think that it is very judgemental and unfair to suggest that they don’t know how to behave in a Christian way. As a result, they resist any reflection on their meeting practice and training in how to do things better.

Let’s do some theology

I agree that love is natural (for a person born of water and of the Spirit). That’s a theological affirmation. Does that mean that we then know how to live the Christian life – in every part of our life? I’m sure we don’t have time for a treatise on justification and sanctification / conversion and holiness – but surely that is relevant. Being Christian doesn’t prove that we know how to get it right all the time. So the faithful Christian posture is always humility and openness to correction.

In the context of meeting processes we can easily think about the relevance of a conversation on what love would look like in a Christian meeting. A Bible study on 1 Corinthians 13: 4ff might be a good place to start.

The other tac to take is that we are not just talking about values and character training. We are talking about skills training. Being a Christian doesn’t mean that people have no need to learn how to listen well; to find words that invite participation and show respect; to be humble, vulnerable and excited by the potential that different perspectives bring; etc. Heaven knows that I’ve needed to learn how to do these things!

5. Rushing to an agreement because it seems bad to question a proposal

There was a fascinating example of the consensus process at work in a recent meeting of a Uniting Church in Australia (UCA) Synod. A major proposal for change and refocus for  youth ministry in the Synod was put forward. When it was presented people were asked their first impressions. It was strongly supported and the Chairperson quickly moved to have the Synod determine the proposal. All orange cards – except one. To everyone’s astonishment, it was the proposer who held up a blue card.

He said that he felt the project was too important to be so easily agreed to. It  actually warranted more discussion so that the Synod was sure that it had fully understood what it was committing to. So there was more discussion, with people engaged with the complexities and challenges in a deeper way.

‪When a little while later it came again for determination the proposal was unanimously approved.

‪The point of this is that the idea of ‘consensus decision-making working’ should not be taken merely as ‘getting all orange cards held up’. As the proposer of the Synod proposal pointed, out rushing to a consensus can sometimes be a bad decision. The process is intended to facilitate discernment and some issues do require more work than others.

Slowing things down

One of the most important outcomes of consensus processes is that they build the strength of support for a decision. That decision may be either for support or putting an idea aside. When we rush to a decision without deliberation then this important building of confidence that “this is the way to go” is forfeited. So slow things down. Make it clear that there is no such thing as a foolish question. If something looks like a ‘motherhood motion” then get people talking in table groups around some well constructed discussion questions. For example: “What questions come to your mind as you hear this proposal?” “What might people who have not heard this presentation have to say about the proposal?” “Does the proposal address all the possible considerations?” The particular questions (usually only one or two used each time) will be shaped by the proposal and the context.

Another way to slow down the rush to a decision is to remember that in consensus decision-making there isn’t a vote. It is a determination. Holding this distinction before us helps to reduce the risk of using the cards as simple voting cards and so undermining the process by drawing people into thinking “yes” or “no”. Orange doesn’t mean “yes” and “blue” doesn’t mean “no”. Blue cards mean (among other things) “I am not ready yet.” Asking if people are ready to make a decision may lead to a different response than asking are they ready to agree to the proposal.

Conclusion

There are always things that will help and hinder the implementation of consensus based discernment. I hope that these couple of posts have given you encouragement that there is always a way to bring about change.

Frankly, the best way to get through these problems is to just have a go at it. learn by doing and grow your capacity through experience, study and reflection on your practice. If you have any comments or questions then drop us a note here, on our Facebook page @makingchurchdecisions or drop me a line at terence@makingchurchdecisions.com