Tag: relationships

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

 Conflict and Difficult People

Sometimes it is easy to think of anyone who gets in the way of our goals as a difficult person! However taking such a view is to see conflict / disagreement / encouragement to pay attention to other views as a negative experience. Here at makingchurchdecisions.com we consider conflict to be a place for growth. Meeting people with whom we disagree, or who are different from us, invites us to new learning and growth. Conflict is not a bad thing! Combat is optional.

However some negative experiences of conflict arise because we have to deal with difficult people. Difficult people are those who – for whatever reason – do not make a constructive contribution to resolving a conflict. The example might be people who are negative as attempts are made to work through a shared issue. Or it could be that they behave in a way that creates unnecessary tension or strains in relationships.

Examples of Difficult Behaviours

People who are stubborn and refuse to entertain any view but their own are a classic example of people who are difficult to deal with. They turn a healthy conflict into a combat zone. Such people range from those who refuse to take seriously an alternative point of view through to those who put down and belittle alternative opinions.

Still others insist on focusing on things that are irrelevant or minor in the scheme of the issue that is being discussed. We all know the people who want to get into minute detail on something when what is needed is to explore the big themes and grand vision.

Perhaps among the most difficult people are the straight out nasty ones! They use harsh words, put people down and speak in sterotypes. Through body language and tone they make it clear that they are in this fight to win it. Conflict for these people is always a blood sport.

It should be noted that these types of behaviour can show up and the person is not a “difficult person” by our definition. For example people can be negative and oppose things because they have a mental health problem, or are suffering from an illness like dementia, or perhaps transferring emotions from a place of personal pain, eg a deep grief. In these cases they are not being difficult people in order to win their argument. Rather they are outworking – in an unhealthy way – their own illness. We still need to deal with their difficult behaviour. However, it is worth trying to work out where the negative behaviour is coming from because it helps us choose the right intervention.

Options for responding

1.  Don’t react
This is easier said than done! Nevertheless one of the best things to do with difficult people is to suck the energy out of them. Negative people thrive on opposition – it feeds their aggression and makes them feel justified in attacking during a conflict.
Stay calm. That old advice about counting to 10 before you respond to a negative comment has a lot of merit. Process your emotions. Remember to talk slowly and reduce the volume if you hear yourself getting faster and louder
2.  Disarm your opponent
Remember that the comments of difficult people are their weapons – so decide how to take those weapons away. I have found that acknowledging the worthwhile points in an opponent’s argument can shift the tone of a conversation. If people don’t have to defend everything that they believe then it reduces the range of areas where there is contention.
Where people are nasty and agressive then a helpful, but challenging approach is offered by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: 17 – 20.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, … 20 On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

3.  Change the game by changing the frame
With difficult people this will require a different response depending on their behaviour. So, when someone is being argumentative and not wanting to hear another point of view it may be helpful to reframe the discussion. For example the discussion is about enlarging the meeting room next to the church office and buying new furniture to set it up. One person may be fixated on cost and arguing against luxurious furniture in the church. By inviting that person to talk about how hospitality is shown in their workplace or home, it may help to reframe the discussion away from money to being about how to be a welcoming community.
If the difficult people are being rude, disrespectful, etc in their attempt to get their way then they need to be confronted. It is not acceptable anywhere to denigrate and put people down in order to get your way. Therefore the reframe here is to call the person out and tell them that the behaviour is unacceptable. The new frame is what is an appropriate way for people to act. Don’t let people get away with bad behviour because they are allowed to continue to think that winning is all that matters!
4.  Make it easy to say “yes”
There are many ways that this can be done but the basic idea is to get a person to work constructively on a solution. By allowing people to remain outside the solution it gives them permission to keep sniping and complaining.
So, if a person continues to make the same repetitive speech about an issue say something like “it sounds like you care a lot about A, B or C.” “Would you like to be part of the solution to the issue that is before us ?” It is pretty easy to say “yes” in response to those invitations. The goal is to find places of partnership.
In the case of bad behaviour the aim of the words might be to help them see the harm that they are doing. It is important to be very careful here so that a person doesn’t say “no” out of ignorance or spite. So know the context and person very well. Some possibilites for comment include: “Have you noticed that people in the church don’t like spending time with you when you behave this way?” “Do you know that your behaviour is hurting people?”  “Do you want to find a solution to our problems?”
5.  Make it hard to say “no”
In some ways this is very similar to the previous point. Difficult people are often very negative in their mindset. They see problems where others see possibilities. The aim is to get difficult people to see the positive in a situation so that they might be drawn into constructive rather than destructive conversations.
Some things that might be said: “Do you care for our church?” Do you want us to find a solution to this issue?” “Can you offer us some constructive options that will meet the needs of as many people as possible?”

Conclusion

Difficult people turn up in lots of places. We can’t prevent that from happening. However we need not be their victims. Most people can take up the steps that are suggested here. Of course there will be some people who have been subject to put downs for so long that their self esteem is damaged and they cannot confront people who are abusive in their way of relating to others. However many people have options and don’t need to be paralysed by bad the behaviour of difficult people.

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.

 

 

Bullying At Church – What Is It?

What is a bully?

A bully is someone who asserts their wishes on others to the detriment of the other person. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that usually involves a power imbalance. These individuals want to get their way and control others. They can cause havoc and create conflict.

Wikipedia defines bullying as the “use of force, threat, or coercion to intimidate or dominate others.” This behavior is intentional, repetitive and habitual. Bullies tend to isolate and intimidate people they perceive as weaker. Sadly, most bullies were abused as children.

Adult bullies operate in a set behavior. They are not interested in working things out or compromising their position. They want power and domination over others. They believe that they alone know best how to do things. Bullies can be staff or members of local churches.

Different types of bullying

  • Verbal: teasing,  making inappropriate comments, spreading rumors
  • Social: embarrassing someone in public, leaving a person out of a decision intentionally to belittle them, or making threats (i.e. stop giving financially to the church, leave and take people with you, etc.)
  • Physical: pushing another person, making rude gestures, or touching another person in an intimidating manner
  • Cyber: sending email threats to staff, leaders, or members to sway them to a specific action. It tends to mention anonymous support for their solution to make others believe the problem is bigger than it is, or that they are in a stronger position than they are.

9 traits that help you to recognize bullies

Thomas S. Rainer, a healthy church consultant,  describes 9 traits to recognize bullies before they do too much damage. They tend to exert their will in the following ways:

  1. See themselves as the real “heroes” who know better than others how to save the church. They are willing to fight for their outcome.
  2. Have a personal or self-serving agenda – they alone know best how the church should do things. They tend to think more highly of themselves and put others down.
  3. Form power alliances with people they perceive as weaker. Thhis is why they tend to triangulate staff members and leaders to conquer them.
  4. Show intense and emotional personalities and can “blow up” quickly.
  5. Famous for being the “storyteller” in the congregation. They claim  “people are saying…”; “If you do that then the majority of the church will leave…”; or financial giving will suffer…”; etc.
  6. Thrive in churches with low expectations of members or where membership is seen as an entitlement to get your own way.
  7. Grow more powerful and relentless when no one stands up to challenge them.
  8. Create conflict and wreack havoc by exerting excessive force, dividing people, manipulation or making threats.
  9. Move on to other churches after they have done significant damage or are forced out.

Basically, a bully says “it is my way or the highway!” They belittle others into submission or convince people to their way of thinking to keep the peace. When church staff are bullies they tend to build a fiefdom of supporters who they incite to do their work. This causes dissension.

What can be done to prevent bullying?

Remember: you have choices. When bullying exists you are either a victim, a bully, or a bystander. You are not powerless – no matter what the bullies want you to believe!

Bullying is more common in churches than most people think. The good news is that with careful attention and focused effort, bullies can be rendered powerless in your organization. Look over the following list carefully. Note what you are already doing well and celebrate it, but do not stop there. Consider adding 2-3 new things to your ministry practice to further strengthen your group.

  1. Pray – don’t prey. Encourage people to pray for God’s guidance in difficult decisions rather than be swayed by the loudest voice or view in the room. Take a time out to pray about a matter rather than rushing to a vote.
  2. Encourage people to speak up for themselves. Practice open, direct communication whenever possible. Use “I” statements to own opinions rather than speaking for others.  Respond rather than react. Bullies thrive where people are silent or passive.
  3. Have a zero tolerance for bullying. Know what it looks and feels like.  Churches with smaller cliques where key decisions are made, or where publicly made insensitive comments are left unchallenged are at a higher risk of bullies.
  4. Be a “high expectation” congregation. Be clear on what it takes to be a member. Activities such as active participation in worship and a small group is essential. Do you expect people to be annually involved in a mission project? These settings provide an opportunity to get to know one another well and strengthens the spiritual practices necessary in a faith group to treat one another well.
  5. Take bullying seriously. Don’t give advice that permits bullying. Do not excuse aggressive behavior by saying: “don’t let them get to you”, “rise above it and ignore them”, or “that’s just the way they are – we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Try to restore people that bully but do not hesitate to challenge the behavior whenever it presents itself.
  6. Know who handles complaints in your church. Every congregation deserves a committee or group that handles the discontent and murmurs.  Some denominations have a Staff-Parish, or Mutual Ministry team that addresses significant issues. An “Acts 6” group can be useful in helping  congregation deal with matters before they escalate into open conflict that handles the murmurs of members.
  7. Create a safe environment for people to be involved in the total life of the church without being bullied. Complete a Behavioral Covenant and be sure that new members know what actions are supported by the document. Review it often and display in a public place for people to see.
  8. Teach the process of descalating conflictbetween people found in Matthew 18. In the case of bullying, skip straight to the second step and provide monitors to go to the bully and be direct in what you want them to do. Let them know how their behavior is intimidating or manipulative. Ask them to stop and provide concrete ways they can be a part of the group. If they refuse to cooperate, then take it to the Church Council for appropriate action to limit the bully’s influence. It is best to lose one bully than lose several people. Exercise church discipline.
  9. Vet your leaders carefully. Get to know people and recognize their talents or gifts. Put well-qualified people in positions of authority. It’s best not just to let people volunteer for a job when you do not know them well. Be clear about meeting schedules and expectations.
  10. Create consequences. People should know what happens when a bully tries to exert their authority aggressively over a group. Provide a warning and name the next step. Bullies should not be allowed to hold leadership positions! It’s important to know that bullies tend to get stronger when left unchallenged.
  11. Use a fair process to make decisions. ParliamentaryProcessess tend to create winners and losers in an organization. It is easy with these methods to have a loud persuasive voice carry the vote or sway a decision. Consider using a consensus building process to make decisions that encourage full participation and innovative ideas to flourish. Work toward cooperation and unity that is won through respectful discussion.
  12. Train Staff. Most pastors and key leaders do not know how to handle conflict well or address obnoxious people soundly. Beware of keeping secrets and trying to deal with bullies one on one.
  13. Seek help! When you find yourself in a place where you are in over your head or the situation deteriorating quickly, do not be afraid to get help. Find someone who can take care of the situation decisively. Your Judicatory leader, local school counselor, or a trained mediator can address the situation fairly. Don’t wait too long to resolve the challenge. It only gets worse.
  14. Be more joyful than judicial. Bullies have a hard time influencing a group when things are going well and acknowledged.

 Conclusion

Bullies never leave or change on their own. If you know the warning signs you can reduce the chances of a bully getting into a place of power. However if they are at work, start to address the situation early.

In the post next week we look at why bullies operate in the church, some practical examples and some more ideas on what you can do to address them.

Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when the stakes are high

Crucial Conversations – a book review

This is an amazing book. Patterson, et al write with an easy to read, engaging and humorous style. Yet even better than this – the content is life changing!! Based on 25 years of research Patterson and his colleagues have identified a way of communicating that saves lives, enriches personal relationships, saves corporations millions of dollars, and can even improve your health!

Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when the stakes are high is a very practical resource for people who want their organisations and relationships to be healthy and flourishing places. In addition to the value in the book, there are links to a treasure trove of videos, research and other resources. The free videos and research articles will help you learn, and to lead others in learning, how to hold crucial conversations. You can find some of them here.

What are crucial conversations?

There are three elements that are required for an interaction to be regarded as a “crucial conversation.” There has to be

  • opposing opinions – usually very strongly held views
  • strong emotions – the kind that usually causes people to flee
  • high stakes – the issues on the table are significant

Finally, of course, there can only be a conversation if someone is prepared to face the challenging situation and not avoid it. This book resources you to be the person who can help that crucial conversation to happen.

Some of the key points

  • Avoid making the “fool’s choice”. The “fool’s choice” is to imagine that there are only two alternatives.
  1. Speak up and turn someone significant to me (boss, workmate, partner, etc) into a sworn enemy. Or
  2. Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that has devastating consequences.
  • Getting into dialogue takes a conscious choice – it is hard, requires skill, and an audacious hope that there is a way through.
  • Start with what really matters to you. Avoid knee-jerk emotional responses that usually lead to negative outcomes. As Ambrose Bierce said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
  • Understand yourself. Know your style when under stress.
  • Create pools of shared meaning – get everyone to bring their best insights to the discussion. “The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.”

Who is this book for?

It may seem trite to say that this book is for everyone – but it is! However, if you are a leader then you must read this book. Leaders who want to make decisions that are effective, owned by the people in the organisation and create a positive culture will use the insights in this book every day.

At Making Church Decisions we believe in the same outcomes that are fostered through Crucial Conversations. One of the great contributions made by this book is that it develops the skills that make it possible to have safe, respectful and engaging conversations.

Consensus building needs the sharing of all insights and experiences relevant to a decision. Yet people often flee from such conversations because of the culture of a group or the power of people in the system.  By using the skills in this book you will be able to keep the dialogue going when there are opposing positions,  emotions are strong, and the stakes are high.

In future posts, I will unpack some specific ideas from the book Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when the stakes are high.

5 Vowels for a Positive Group Life Experience

Group life is amazing!!! It can be so enriching. Group life can also be so painful. Everyone who has ever been a part of a small group knows that the experience can be either good or bad. When it is good – people thrive and ideas flourish. When it is bad people compete with one another and strive to win. Having a good group life just might come down to 5 vowels.

Group life – how many trees?

The largest living organism on the planet is found in Utah in the United States of America. The ‘Trembling Giant’ is actually one tree with 47,000 stems and one root system. It’s definitely a case of you can’t see the forest for the tree! What this plant teaches us is the importance of recognizing our roots. It’s the same with group life.

Use your 5 vowels

Good Group life comes down to honoring the basics. Review this list of 5 vowels to see if your group life is healthy:

A = Ask and answer questions graciously. Stay focused on the matter before you by asking questions that get to the other person’s feelings and best hopes rather questions that limit replies to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Help your group complete its task by staying on point. Try not to be a group hog by dominating the conversation. Be curious about what others think and value.

E = Explore together where God may be leading. Use a process that prompts people to move toward consensus whenever possible. Discuss the matter before you with integrity. Consider options carefully. Remember: you can only speak for yourself – encourage others to do the same. When you get stuck: stop and pray.

I = Inspire – Be God’s cheerleader and remain upbeat. This is done by encouraging people to be the best that they can be! So, use good communication tools such as using “I” statements to take responsibility for yourself and encourage others to do the same. Whenever possible, paraphrase what the other person has just said before responding to ensure that you heard them correctly. Words matter. Make your group a safe place for honesty.  Be transparent.

O = Observe the feelings and thoughts of others and yearn for their peace and well-being. Feelings are harder to express than opinions and thoughts. Yet, when people share their feelings they also let you know what is important to them and what values they consider as they make decisions. Monitor your feelings carefully. Respect one another.

U = seek to understand one another. The odds are high that whenever you sit in a group for discussion or decision, you may be seated with someone that holds a different view just as precious as the one you hold. Your group is not a place to convince or lobby. The most powerful words we can say to one another is “I’m interested in what you have to say.  Please, tell me more…”

Trust me – You’ve got this!

Remember these 5 vowels the next time you find yourself in a group discussion to have a positive group experience.  Create a checklist to remember good group etiquette.

A = Ask

E = Explore together where God may be leading

I = Inspire

O = Observe the feelings and thoughts of others

U = understand

A final prayer

St Benedict summed up group life well when he wrote this prayer:

Gracious and Holy Father 

give us wisdom to recognize you

intelligence to understand you

diligence to seek you

patience to wait for you

eyes to see you

a heart to meditate on you

and a life to proclaim you,

through the power of the Risen Lord. 

Amen