Month: June 2018

How deep is your root system?

A good root system – the key to health!

The largest living organism in the world is a quaking aspen tree known as the “Trembling Giant”. This single tree has over 47,000 stems, covers 106 acres, is 80,000 years old and weighs 13 million pounds. Impressive, eh?How has this tree survived through drought, forest fires, and pests over its long life span? It has an extensive root system that nourishes and protects the plant. Churches can also be fragile or resilient. It all depends on how strong  their root system is.

Take this short quiz to learn how firm your church’s foundation really is. Below are four qualities of a strong root system (Values, Behavior, Means of Grace, and Mission). These things are enduring. Circle the number beside each heading: 5 is high; 1 is low.

Values      1      2      3      4      5

Values are the qualities that guide your actions. It’s what sets you apart as a congregation. Usually, it’s how members describe their church. “We are a loving church”, or “We care about social justice”. You can also assess your values by how you spend money and what you plan ministry around.

Churches that have deeply held values live out of those convictions. They nourish your organization like strong roots. It is vital that members know what they are. They are in the songs we sing and the prayers we pray.

Behavior  1      2      3      4      5

Actions speak louder than words. When people treat each other with love and respect it’s noticeable. Congregations that take this seriously have a written Behavioral Covenant or Guideline. It is designed and signed by members as a way of being accountable to each other and working out differences. This Covenant is displayed where members can see it and consult it regularly. Some of the items on this guideline may include listening respectfully, being compassionate to others, etc. Healthy ways of relating to one another resemble deeply woven roots.

Means of Grace    1      2      3      4      5

John Wesley talked about God’s grace and how it strengths our faith walk.  He said that there are 2 ‘Means of Grace’: Acts of Vital Piety (worship, prayer, singing hymns, sacraments, Christian conferencing), and Acts of Compassion and Mercy (Matthew 25 ministries of meeting the real-life needs of others and working for the common good). When these practices are taken seriously they become the lifeline of life together in a congregation just as good roots make for a healthy plant. They are the basis of ministry. Primetime, not pass time, activity.

Mission      1      2      3      4     5

When we are clear about our purpose, people make good decisions and align their life together to be successful at reaching it. Congregations that have worked out their purpose statement know why they exist and prioritize activities to move them closer to this goal. A mission statement should be a brief (no more than 12 words) description of who you are. Members should have it memorized and use it to evaluate how well they are doing as a church.

How did you do?

Add up your scores and compare it to the numbers below:

15 – 20          Well done!

9  – 14           Not bad!

Under 9       Room for improvement!

As you review your responses:

A.  What area does your congregation do well?

B.   What area can it do better?

C.  Name a specific way you can boost your congregation’s root system.

 

 

 

Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy?

If you have ever been in the middle of a church fight, you know that it is important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict. When you recognize how a congregation approaches disagreements it becomes easier to work toward a just resolution. Additionally, it also sets the pattern for addressing issues in a timely manner before they get out of control.

In his book: Leading Change in the Congregation: Spiritual and Organizational Tools for Leaders (Alban, 1998), Gil Rendle, an American Church Consultant, points out the differences between healthy and unhealthy conflict.

Healthy Conflict

Yes, there is such a thing as healthy conflict! Congregations that have a positive attitude about disagreement understand that conflict is inevitable. They know that it provides a chance to grow stronger. Here are 8 signs that a conflict is being handled well.

  • Disputants do not take conflict personally. Instead,  they are able to separate people from the problem.
  • People talk directly with one another and so there is a free flow of information available to everyone.
  • People see themselves as members of the same team and are willing to work on a mutually agreeable solution to an issue.
  • When disagreeing people are more likely to address the situation at hand without bringing up past hurts.
  • There is a give and take in the spirit of cooperation that makes the exchange of ideas possible.
  • You notice that people practice careful listening and reply with well thought out statements.
  • Moreover, people understand that there is a problem that needs to be settled now rather than later.
  • Finally, all parties give the matter the time that it needs to be resolved in a just manner, because they see the process as a journey to come through together.

Unhealthy Conflict

Unfortunately, most of us have encountered unhealthy conflict. Sometimes, there is an attitude that conflict is bad or sinful. So the situation is often ignored which means that it escalates until it erupts. Here are 7 signs that a conflict is not being handled well.

  • Disputants are unable to separate people from the problem and assume that if they get rid of members, the problem will go away.
  • Communication is indirect: rather than talk with one another – they talk about one another.
  • Triangulation reigns and third parties carry messages for others.
  • Sadly, the list of wrongs is long (and growing) as people remember what has been done to them and their friends in the past.
  • The situation is explosive. I can not say or do something without you quickly firing off an email (and sending it to as many people as possible).
  • People tend to deny the real problem and what is going on.
  • There is a strong sense of urgency to solve the problem too quickly and avoid the pain of conflict by saying: “Let’s just get it over with!”

Strategies to maintain Healthy Conflict

First, acknowledge that there is a challenge ahead or an issue to resolve.  Then give as much information about the issue as you can in as many methods that you can. Prepare people for difficult conversations when things are calm by providing training on good communication skills. Train people and practice using “I” statements, paraphrasing and good listening.

Practice the means of grace together:  worship, study scripture, pray, sing hymns, etc. Reward good behavior by pointing it out when you see it. Use a consensus-based decision-making process like the one in our book: The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together.  Establish a Behavioral Covenant to guide how members relate to each other. Celebrate when a difficult decision has been made and evaluate your experience.

With these tips you can shift the type of conflict you experience to a healthier one!

 

 

 

 

Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when the stakes are high

Crucial Conversations – a book review

This is an amazing book. Patterson, et al write with an easy to read, engaging and humorous style. Yet even better than this – the content is life changing!! Based on 25 years of research Patterson and his colleagues have identified a way of communicating that saves lives, enriches personal relationships, saves corporations millions of dollars, and can even improve your health!

Crucial Conversations: tools for talking when the stakes are high is a very practical resource for people who want their organisations and relationships to be healthy and flourishing places. In addition to the value in the book, there are links to a treasure trove of videos, research and other resources. The free videos and research articles will help you learn, and to lead others in learning, how to hold crucial conversations. You can find some of them here.

What are crucial conversations?

There are three elements that are required for an interaction to be regarded as a “crucial conversation.” There has to be

  • opposing opinions – usually very strongly held views
  • strong emotions – the kind that usually causes people to flee
  • high stakes – the issues on the table are significant

Finally, of course, there can only be a conversation if someone is prepared to face the challenging situation and not avoid it. This book resources you to be the person who can help that crucial conversation to happen.

Some of the key points

  • Avoid making the “fool’s choice”. The “fool’s choice” is to imagine that there are only two alternatives.
  1. Speak up and turn someone significant to me (boss, workmate, partner, etc) into a sworn enemy. Or
  2. Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that has devastating consequences.
  • Getting into dialogue takes a conscious choice – it is hard, requires skill, and an audacious hope that there is a way through.
  • Start with what really matters to you. Avoid knee-jerk emotional responses that usually lead to negative outcomes. As Ambrose Bierce said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
  • Understand yourself. Know your style when under stress.
  • Create pools of shared meaning – get everyone to bring their best insights to the discussion. “The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.”

Who is this book for?

It may seem trite to say that this book is for everyone – but it is! However, if you are a leader then you must read this book. Leaders who want to make decisions that are effective, owned by the people in the organisation and create a positive culture will use the insights in this book every day.

At Making Church Decisions we believe in the same outcomes that are fostered through Crucial Conversations. One of the great contributions made by this book is that it develops the skills that make it possible to have safe, respectful and engaging conversations.

Consensus building needs the sharing of all insights and experiences relevant to a decision. Yet people often flee from such conversations because of the culture of a group or the power of people in the system.  By using the skills in this book you will be able to keep the dialogue going when there are opposing positions,  emotions are strong, and the stakes are high.

In future posts, I will unpack some specific ideas from the book Crucial Conversations – tools for talking when the stakes are high.

5 Vowels for a Positive Group Life Experience

Group life is amazing!!! It can be so enriching. Group life can also be so painful. Everyone who has ever been a part of a small group knows that the experience can be either good or bad. When it is good – people thrive and ideas flourish. When it is bad people compete with one another and strive to win. Having a good group life just might come down to 5 vowels.

Group life – how many trees?

The largest living organism on the planet is found in Utah in the United States of America. The ‘Trembling Giant’ is actually one tree with 47,000 stems and one root system. It’s definitely a case of you can’t see the forest for the tree! What this plant teaches us is the importance of recognizing our roots. It’s the same with group life.

Use your 5 vowels

Good Group life comes down to honoring the basics. Review this list of 5 vowels to see if your group life is healthy:

A = Ask and answer questions graciously. Stay focused on the matter before you by asking questions that get to the other person’s feelings and best hopes rather questions that limit replies to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Help your group complete its task by staying on point. Try not to be a group hog by dominating the conversation. Be curious about what others think and value.

E = Explore together where God may be leading. Use a process that prompts people to move toward consensus whenever possible. Discuss the matter before you with integrity. Consider options carefully. Remember: you can only speak for yourself – encourage others to do the same. When you get stuck: stop and pray.

I = Inspire – Be God’s cheerleader and remain upbeat. This is done by encouraging people to be the best that they can be! So, use good communication tools such as using “I” statements to take responsibility for yourself and encourage others to do the same. Whenever possible, paraphrase what the other person has just said before responding to ensure that you heard them correctly. Words matter. Make your group a safe place for honesty.  Be transparent.

O = Observe the feelings and thoughts of others and yearn for their peace and well-being. Feelings are harder to express than opinions and thoughts. Yet, when people share their feelings they also let you know what is important to them and what values they consider as they make decisions. Monitor your feelings carefully. Respect one another.

U = seek to understand one another. The odds are high that whenever you sit in a group for discussion or decision, you may be seated with someone that holds a different view just as precious as the one you hold. Your group is not a place to convince or lobby. The most powerful words we can say to one another is “I’m interested in what you have to say.  Please, tell me more…”

Trust me – You’ve got this!

Remember these 5 vowels the next time you find yourself in a group discussion to have a positive group experience.  Create a checklist to remember good group etiquette.

A = Ask

E = Explore together where God may be leading

I = Inspire

O = Observe the feelings and thoughts of others

U = understand

A final prayer

St Benedict summed up group life well when he wrote this prayer:

Gracious and Holy Father 

give us wisdom to recognize you

intelligence to understand you

diligence to seek you

patience to wait for you

eyes to see you

a heart to meditate on you

and a life to proclaim you,

through the power of the Risen Lord. 

Amen