If you have ever been in the middle of a church fight, you know that it is important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict. When you recognize how a congregation approaches disagreements it becomes easier to work toward a just resolution. Additionally, it also sets the pattern for addressing issues in a timely manner before they get out of control.
In his book: Leading Change in the Congregation: Spiritual and Organizational Tools for Leaders (Alban, 1998), Gil Rendle, an American Church Consultant, points out the differences between healthy and unhealthy conflict.
Healthy Conflict
Yes, there is such a thing as healthy conflict! Congregations that have a positive attitude about disagreement understand that conflict is inevitable. They know that it provides a chance to grow stronger. Here are 8 signs that a conflict is being handled well.
- Disputants do not take conflict personally. Instead, they are able to separate people from the problem.
- People talk directly with one another and so there is a free flow of information available to everyone.
- People see themselves as members of the same team and are willing to work on a mutually agreeable solution to an issue.
- When disagreeing people are more likely to address the situation at hand without bringing up past hurts.
- There is a give and take in the spirit of cooperation that makes the exchange of ideas possible.
- You notice that people practice careful listening and reply with well thought out statements.
- Moreover, people understand that there is a problem that needs to be settled now rather than later.
- Finally, all parties give the matter the time that it needs to be resolved in a just manner, because they see the process as a journey to come through together.
Unhealthy Conflict
Unfortunately, most of us have encountered unhealthy conflict. Sometimes, there is an attitude that conflict is bad or sinful. So the situation is often ignored which means that it escalates until it erupts. Here are 7 signs that a conflict is not being handled well.
- Disputants are unable to separate people from the problem and assume that if they get rid of members, the problem will go away.
- Communication is indirect: rather than talk with one another – they talk about one another.
- Triangulation reigns and third parties carry messages for others.
- Sadly, the list of wrongs is long (and growing) as people remember what has been done to them and their friends in the past.
- The situation is explosive. I can not say or do something without you quickly firing off an email (and sending it to as many people as possible).
- People tend to deny the real problem and what is going on.
- There is a strong sense of urgency to solve the problem too quickly and avoid the pain of conflict by saying: “Let’s just get it over with!”
Strategies to maintain Healthy Conflict
First, acknowledge that there is a challenge ahead or an issue to resolve. Then give as much information about the issue as you can in as many methods that you can. Prepare people for difficult conversations when things are calm by providing training on good communication skills. Train people and practice using “I” statements, paraphrasing and good listening.
Practice the means of grace together: worship, study scripture, pray, sing hymns, etc. Reward good behavior by pointing it out when you see it. Use a consensus-based decision-making process like the one in our book: The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together. Establish a Behavioral Covenant to guide how members relate to each other. Celebrate when a difficult decision has been made and evaluate your experience.
With these tips you can shift the type of conflict you experience to a healthier one!