Month: October 2018

10 Rights You Have In A Conflict

Christians can be too “nice” in a conflict

As a rule Christians don’t like to be assertive or to make problems for other people. Somehow Christians have got the message that the proper thing to do is to keep things peaceful.

Keeping the peace is not a Christian virtue. Bad people get away with bad behaviour because not enough people are prepared to resist what they do and say. Therefore, it is important to understand your rights when you are involved in a negative form of conflict. You don’t have to put up with bad behaviour – stand up for yourself!

Your Rights in a Conflict

Here are 10 things that you are entiteld to do or expect if you are in a conflict that has turned unhealthy.

1.  Say “no”

If you are being pushed around or are having demands put on you then refuse to go along with it. So, usually, bullies win because they manage to wear down the resistance of others. Refusing to accept the dictates of an aggressive opposite in an argument is the first right that you have. Saying “no” can put a spike in the wheels of runnaway aggression.

2.  Object to how you are treated

Don’t accept that the other person can control the way that things are going to be done. Be prepared to say that “this is not the way we do things around here.” Remind the person (and others) of the expectations that your community has about how people behave. If your group has a “Behavioural Covenant” or “Code of Conduct” now is the time to refer to it.

3.  Disagree

Be ready and willing to present an alternative case. The combative person is not the only one with good ideas. Trust your experience and wisdom. And be ready to share it with the wider group. Just because someone has a different opinion to you does not mean that you have to be silent.

4.  Speak up for yourself

When people move from a positive and constructive approach to conflict they can get domineering. So if a person is behaving like they are the only ones to listen to then it is time to speak up. Don’t wait for an opponent to ask what you think. They won’t because they don’t care what you think.

It is important to learn to be assertive and to step into the fray. Don’t wait for permission and don’t wait for other people to speak for you. Trust yourself and get into the debate.

5. Express affection

Just because other people want to put down their opponents and turn them into enemies it doesn’t mean that you have to be like that too. Loving one’s enemies is a Christian virtue. So make sure that you never lose sight of the humanity of the other person in the argument. Show them respect, consideration and concern for their needs. Showing affection can be a game changer for the mood of a meeting.

6.  Say “I am angry”

Owning emotions is honest and healthy. If emotions get buried because people do not think they should express anger, or other emotions, then they will pop up somewhere else.

You are allowed to be angry. Anger is a legitimate emotion and when properly expressed can help the person and the process in which they are engaged. Important to note is the value of using “I” statements. Saying “I am angry” is far more helpful than “You make me so angry”.

7.  Say “I am hurt”

At times people don’t realise the harm that their behviour or words are doing to other people. If no one tells them then it is easy for them to keep on doing the same thing.

Your feelings are important and you don’t have to put up with the hurt caused by the behaviour of others. Once again “I” statements are very powerful at these times.

8.  Risk being wrong

When we are in difficult situaitons it is possible that we have misunderstood someone. So at times we need to take the risk and check in with a person about whether we have heard them correctly. In a tense situation don’t get fooled into thinking that you are always in the right. Take the risk of getting good information by asking if you have correctly understood the other person.

9.  To apologize

It’s alright to admit that you have made a mistake and to apologize for it. Many a conflict continues because one or more of the parties lacks humility. You have the right to admit when you have made a mistake and to get things back on an even keel with an apology. You have the right to be hopeful that strained relationships can be repaired through a genuine apology.

10. Others?

What rights would you add to the list? Remember that the rights that you want for yourself are the rights that you also have to give to others.

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

 Conflict and Difficult People

Sometimes it is easy to think of anyone who gets in the way of our goals as a difficult person! However taking such a view is to see conflict / disagreement / encouragement to pay attention to other views as a negative experience. Here at makingchurchdecisions.com we consider conflict to be a place for growth. Meeting people with whom we disagree, or who are different from us, invites us to new learning and growth. Conflict is not a bad thing! Combat is optional.

However some negative experiences of conflict arise because we have to deal with difficult people. Difficult people are those who – for whatever reason – do not make a constructive contribution to resolving a conflict. The example might be people who are negative as attempts are made to work through a shared issue. Or it could be that they behave in a way that creates unnecessary tension or strains in relationships.

Examples of Difficult Behaviours

People who are stubborn and refuse to entertain any view but their own are a classic example of people who are difficult to deal with. They turn a healthy conflict into a combat zone. Such people range from those who refuse to take seriously an alternative point of view through to those who put down and belittle alternative opinions.

Still others insist on focusing on things that are irrelevant or minor in the scheme of the issue that is being discussed. We all know the people who want to get into minute detail on something when what is needed is to explore the big themes and grand vision.

Perhaps among the most difficult people are the straight out nasty ones! They use harsh words, put people down and speak in sterotypes. Through body language and tone they make it clear that they are in this fight to win it. Conflict for these people is always a blood sport.

It should be noted that these types of behaviour can show up and the person is not a “difficult person” by our definition. For example people can be negative and oppose things because they have a mental health problem, or are suffering from an illness like dementia, or perhaps transferring emotions from a place of personal pain, eg a deep grief. In these cases they are not being difficult people in order to win their argument. Rather they are outworking – in an unhealthy way – their own illness. We still need to deal with their difficult behaviour. However, it is worth trying to work out where the negative behaviour is coming from because it helps us choose the right intervention.

Options for responding

1.  Don’t react
This is easier said than done! Nevertheless one of the best things to do with difficult people is to suck the energy out of them. Negative people thrive on opposition – it feeds their aggression and makes them feel justified in attacking during a conflict.
Stay calm. That old advice about counting to 10 before you respond to a negative comment has a lot of merit. Process your emotions. Remember to talk slowly and reduce the volume if you hear yourself getting faster and louder
2.  Disarm your opponent
Remember that the comments of difficult people are their weapons – so decide how to take those weapons away. I have found that acknowledging the worthwhile points in an opponent’s argument can shift the tone of a conversation. If people don’t have to defend everything that they believe then it reduces the range of areas where there is contention.
Where people are nasty and agressive then a helpful, but challenging approach is offered by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: 17 – 20.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, … 20 On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

3.  Change the game by changing the frame
With difficult people this will require a different response depending on their behaviour. So, when someone is being argumentative and not wanting to hear another point of view it may be helpful to reframe the discussion. For example the discussion is about enlarging the meeting room next to the church office and buying new furniture to set it up. One person may be fixated on cost and arguing against luxurious furniture in the church. By inviting that person to talk about how hospitality is shown in their workplace or home, it may help to reframe the discussion away from money to being about how to be a welcoming community.
If the difficult people are being rude, disrespectful, etc in their attempt to get their way then they need to be confronted. It is not acceptable anywhere to denigrate and put people down in order to get your way. Therefore the reframe here is to call the person out and tell them that the behaviour is unacceptable. The new frame is what is an appropriate way for people to act. Don’t let people get away with bad behviour because they are allowed to continue to think that winning is all that matters!
4.  Make it easy to say “yes”
There are many ways that this can be done but the basic idea is to get a person to work constructively on a solution. By allowing people to remain outside the solution it gives them permission to keep sniping and complaining.
So, if a person continues to make the same repetitive speech about an issue say something like “it sounds like you care a lot about A, B or C.” “Would you like to be part of the solution to the issue that is before us ?” It is pretty easy to say “yes” in response to those invitations. The goal is to find places of partnership.
In the case of bad behaviour the aim of the words might be to help them see the harm that they are doing. It is important to be very careful here so that a person doesn’t say “no” out of ignorance or spite. So know the context and person very well. Some possibilites for comment include: “Have you noticed that people in the church don’t like spending time with you when you behave this way?” “Do you know that your behaviour is hurting people?”  “Do you want to find a solution to our problems?”
5.  Make it hard to say “no”
In some ways this is very similar to the previous point. Difficult people are often very negative in their mindset. They see problems where others see possibilities. The aim is to get difficult people to see the positive in a situation so that they might be drawn into constructive rather than destructive conversations.
Some things that might be said: “Do you care for our church?” Do you want us to find a solution to this issue?” “Can you offer us some constructive options that will meet the needs of as many people as possible?”

Conclusion

Difficult people turn up in lots of places. We can’t prevent that from happening. However we need not be their victims. Most people can take up the steps that are suggested here. Of course there will be some people who have been subject to put downs for so long that their self esteem is damaged and they cannot confront people who are abusive in their way of relating to others. However many people have options and don’t need to be paralysed by bad the behaviour of difficult people.

Accidental Offensiveness?

“Accidental offensiveness” is when someone causes harm to another person without intent. If there is such a thing – what can be done about it?Last year I wrote a post that explored why offensive behaviour is not noticed by the perpetrator. The blog title is Abuse in the Church – are we desensitized? This post has some common ground with the earlier post.

Offensive Behaviour in the Church

Words and actions can often offend people and cause the recipients deep distress. At the same time the perpetrator does not even notice. Or if they notice they can be shocked because “I am not that kind of person”. It is also common to blame the victim for being over sensitive, misunderstanding or being thin skinned. However, what constitutes offensiveness is not the decision of the person who causes the offence.

My observation is that many times in the church people make excuses for themselves when they do relational harm through their bad behaviour. Christians think of themselves as nice people with good motives. So, if the motives are good then they have done nothing wrong. Hurt, offense, broken relations are an accident. It’s accidental offensiveness. And so the idea is that the perpetrator is faultless and doesn’t owe anyone an apology.

Don’t Blame the Victim!

My behaviour – words or actions – can cause harm. If so then it isn’t good enough to say things like “I am sorry that you were hurt by my actions.” That is not an apology! This is a regret – genuine perhaps – but it goes nowhere near close to a genuine Christian act of confession.

By turning the attention to the response of the hurt person the discussion becomes about them. It’s seen as their problem. “They should learn to toughen up.” “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.” “Some people are such wimps.” I am sure you have heard these and more.

It is not the responsibility of others to learn to cope with our accidental offensiveness. Mature adults own the consequences of their behaviour and make adjustments to their actions. Offensiveness – behaviour that causes offense to another – is owned by the doer not the receiver of the behaviour!

How do people change?

Last week I read a very powerful personal piece in The Huffington Post by Alexander Johnstone. It’s title was: As A Man Who Respects Women, I Thought I’d Never Crossed A Line. I Was Wrong. In the article he talks of the horrifying discovery that he inadvertently sexually harassed and hurt women. Most importantly he spoke about what it meant to him and what he did about it.

What to do about “accidental offensiveness”

First and foremost it is essential to take responsibility for one’s own actions. Only by holding the blame to oneself is it possible change. Learning comes when we acknowledge the need to grow.

Secondly, find teachers who will help remove the blind spots that we have about our behaviour. The best teachers we can listen to are those whom we have hurt. Rather than blame them ask their help to better understand what has happened and why it was hurtful.

Be open to learning opportunities. So, if you accidentally offend someone and you pick up something in their reply, body language, tone of voice, or a change of subject – then ask them what has happened to cause this. But be ready because it could really hurt you when you hear what they have to say!

Toughen up – spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. If you do this then  when you get negative feedback you are in a better position to receive it without getting defensive. Grow yourself as a disciple and as a person so that you can be involved in hard conversations about your behaviour – even when it does hurt.

There is a scene from the movie Lawrence of Arabia  when Lawrence (played by Peter O’Toole) holds his hand over a candle flame for many seconds. One of his companions does the same and within a second pulls his hand away and shouts “Blimey that hurts!” Lawrence replies “Of course it hurts. The trick is to not mind that it hurts!” Growing as a person and learning how to be sensitive to others can be a painful experience. But learn that the trick is not to mind that it hurts – because there is a more important goal than protecting yourself.

Get a mentor, Supervisor (in the sense of a professional supervisor), coach or somebody with whom you reflect on your behaviour in these sorts of situations. We don’t know what we don’t know. So get help and don’t wait until you cripple someone’s life before you decide to learn.

Finally, if you see someone being “accidentally offensive” call them out on it. Challenge them to see what they have done and to take responsibility. As Christians we have a responsibility to encourage each other in faithfully following Jesus.

Conclusion

People who do not even realize what they are doing  often cause a great deal of the  hurt to people and relationships in the church. Every one of us does it. Are you willing to take responsibility and become sensitive to your offensive behaviour and then apologize, learn and grow?

7 things that help meetings work well

Meetings need more than luck

If you want to get good decisions then you can’t just wing it. Preparation is critical. Planning for a meeting also means getting your mindset right. So think about how to embed high quality values into your meetings. Also think about the behviors that express these high quality values.

In this post you are invited to think about 7 values or commitments that help a meeting to work well. Then put in place practices that support those values.

How to use this worksheet

In the first column is a practice that will help your meetings work better. In the second column is an example, or two, of specific things that you can encourage in your people and meeting practices that bring that value to life.

In the third column you can write “yes” or “no” to indicate if you  encourage or do these things in your meetings. If you answer “no” then in the fourth column make a note of what you can do to support these actions / practices in your meetings.

Mettings Best Practice Worksheet

Best Practice Actions in support Yes/No What to do better
Address issues in a transparent and direct manner

 

 Invite people to talk about feelings and hopes

 

    
Focus on interests not positions  Ask what is really important    
Generate options for mutual gain Work for a win-win approach

Let people talk Think of ideas that benefit both

    
 Assure fair process Make sure everyone knows the rules    
Practice direct communication Talk with others, not about them

Use “I” & not “you” statements

Talk about feelings and what’s important to you

    
 Take a break If you get stuck put the business aside for a while

If emotions rise pause for prayer

    
 Work at relationships Apologize

Forgive

Try hard to understand the other’s point of view

    

Conclusion

Your attitude as a leader or group member is  essential for the success of your meetings. I encourage you to grow in your sensitivity to what makes for healthy meetings. This checklist (and I’m sure you can add more values) is one way to do this. When you have done the worksheet include it as part of your Council or Committee’s anual assessment of its performance as a decision-making group.

 

Healthy Churches and Football

Healthy Churches and Football

Healthy churches remind me of football teams. Last weekend here in Australia the grandfinals were played in two major football codes. Well done Sydney City (NRL) and West Coast Eagles (AFL)! The analysis of why one side won and the other lost will continue for some time. The answers have a lot in common with why some churches are healthy and others are not healthy churches.

Here at Making Church Decisions we are very passionate about the importance of using consensus decision making. We know that this approach makes it possible to create healthy and effective churches for mission. But we also know that we can teach all the “rules” for running a connsensus building approach but that just isn’t enough for your success!!

Both teams in the football grandfinals knew the rules. Both teams had the same number of players and followed very similar tactics. Yet one side was victorious and the other was defeated. Therefore it is clear that knowing the rules and the playbook doesn’t guarantee that you will succeed!!

Successful Football Teams

The successful grandfinalists have a lot in common with churches that succeed in applying consensus discernment. The successful teams had these features:

  • players who just kept improving – never settling for the standard they had reached up to that time. In physical fitness and skills  they were “fit for purpose”
  • they played as a team and not a collection of “star” individuals
  • there was a captain and/or play makers who people trusted and followed, playing their part in response to that leadership
  • one or two sets of players who just “clicked” as a unit – partners who together were better than each one on their own
  • the coach had a plan and the team consistently put it into practice
  • creativity – they saw opportunities and took hold of them. It’s like they made something out of nothing.

Successful – Healthy – Churches

Healthy churches are essential for the effective implementation of consensus discernment. So, here are six supports for healthy churches. They have an amazing similarity to how to be a successful sporting team!

  1. Growing in Discipleship: mature disciples behave in mature ways. So churches need to never let their members settle for where they are in their discipleship. Leaders need to challenge people to constantly recognise their growth points and help them to achieve them. Consensus decision makers need to be “fit for purpose”.
  2. Fostering Healthy Relationships: healthy churches are not a collection of individual stars – and that includes the Minister / Pastor too!! Healthy churches know that to play as a team they have to make good relationships possible. So learn how to apologise, to forgive, to listen carefully and empathetically and to speak with care and respect. These are essential.
  3. Providing Strong Leadership: organizations need leaders. They also need people who will welcome that leadership and work with it in hopeful and expectant ways.
  4. Building Respectful Partnerships: help people to collaborate. Create environments that encourage partnerships and allow people to play to their strengths.
  5. Following a Clear Decision-Making Process: when people don’t know how and why things happen then it undermines teamwork. When using consensus discernment people need to know the game plan. They need to understand the process and how it gets to a decision point. Knowing the rules only makes sense if we know how they come together into an effective plan.
  6. Be open to Transformative Change: God doesn’t always work in with our strategic plan. Sometimes there are opportunities that just open up  in unexpected ways – and we have to take them. The whole process of consensus discernment assumes that God will show us something that we haven’t thought of yet. Therefore the churches that are best equiped to use it are those who know how to do transformative change – who know how to spontaneously create something.

Conclusion

The practices and tools of consensus discernment can be learned by anyone. Any group can use them – it isn’t that hard. But like knowing the rules of a game it doesn’t mean that you will be any good when it comes time to use them.

In order to be effective in using consensus discernment tools churches need to be healthy churches. So grow the quality of your discipleship and relationships. Honour and work with yor leaders, build partnerships, teach and follow good process and expect and delight in transformative change.