Accidental Offensiveness?

“Accidental offensiveness” is when someone causes harm to another person without intent. If there is such a thing – what can be done about it?Last year I wrote a post that explored why offensive behaviour is not noticed by the perpetrator. The blog title is Abuse in the Church – are we desensitized? This post has some common ground with the earlier post.

Offensive Behaviour in the Church

Words and actions can often offend people and cause the recipients deep distress. At the same time the perpetrator does not even notice. Or if they notice they can be shocked because “I am not that kind of person”. It is also common to blame the victim for being over sensitive, misunderstanding or being thin skinned. However, what constitutes offensiveness is not the decision of the person who causes the offence.

My observation is that many times in the church people make excuses for themselves when they do relational harm through their bad behaviour. Christians think of themselves as nice people with good motives. So, if the motives are good then they have done nothing wrong. Hurt, offense, broken relations are an accident. It’s accidental offensiveness. And so the idea is that the perpetrator is faultless and doesn’t owe anyone an apology.

Don’t Blame the Victim!

My behaviour – words or actions – can cause harm. If so then it isn’t good enough to say things like “I am sorry that you were hurt by my actions.” That is not an apology! This is a regret – genuine perhaps – but it goes nowhere near close to a genuine Christian act of confession.

By turning the attention to the response of the hurt person the discussion becomes about them. It’s seen as their problem. “They should learn to toughen up.” “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.” “Some people are such wimps.” I am sure you have heard these and more.

It is not the responsibility of others to learn to cope with our accidental offensiveness. Mature adults own the consequences of their behaviour and make adjustments to their actions. Offensiveness – behaviour that causes offense to another – is owned by the doer not the receiver of the behaviour!

How do people change?

Last week I read a very powerful personal piece in The Huffington Post by Alexander Johnstone. It’s title was: As A Man Who Respects Women, I Thought I’d Never Crossed A Line. I Was Wrong. In the article he talks of the horrifying discovery that he inadvertently sexually harassed and hurt women. Most importantly he spoke about what it meant to him and what he did about it.

What to do about “accidental offensiveness”

First and foremost it is essential to take responsibility for one’s own actions. Only by holding the blame to oneself is it possible change. Learning comes when we acknowledge the need to grow.

Secondly, find teachers who will help remove the blind spots that we have about our behaviour. The best teachers we can listen to are those whom we have hurt. Rather than blame them ask their help to better understand what has happened and why it was hurtful.

Be open to learning opportunities. So, if you accidentally offend someone and you pick up something in their reply, body language, tone of voice, or a change of subject – then ask them what has happened to cause this. But be ready because it could really hurt you when you hear what they have to say!

Toughen up – spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. If you do this then  when you get negative feedback you are in a better position to receive it without getting defensive. Grow yourself as a disciple and as a person so that you can be involved in hard conversations about your behaviour – even when it does hurt.

There is a scene from the movie Lawrence of Arabia  when Lawrence (played by Peter O’Toole) holds his hand over a candle flame for many seconds. One of his companions does the same and within a second pulls his hand away and shouts “Blimey that hurts!” Lawrence replies “Of course it hurts. The trick is to not mind that it hurts!” Growing as a person and learning how to be sensitive to others can be a painful experience. But learn that the trick is not to mind that it hurts – because there is a more important goal than protecting yourself.

Get a mentor, Supervisor (in the sense of a professional supervisor), coach or somebody with whom you reflect on your behaviour in these sorts of situations. We don’t know what we don’t know. So get help and don’t wait until you cripple someone’s life before you decide to learn.

Finally, if you see someone being “accidentally offensive” call them out on it. Challenge them to see what they have done and to take responsibility. As Christians we have a responsibility to encourage each other in faithfully following Jesus.

Conclusion

People who do not even realize what they are doing  often cause a great deal of the  hurt to people and relationships in the church. Every one of us does it. Are you willing to take responsibility and become sensitive to your offensive behaviour and then apologize, learn and grow?