Author: Julia Wallace

Julia is a layperson in the United Methodist Church, USA who works in Mediation and Conflict Transformation. She is co-author of the book: "The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together."

Bullying At Church – What Is It?

What is a bully?

A bully is someone who asserts their wishes on others to the detriment of the other person. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that usually involves a power imbalance. These individuals want to get their way and control others. They can cause havoc and create conflict.

Wikipedia defines bullying as the “use of force, threat, or coercion to intimidate or dominate others.” This behavior is intentional, repetitive and habitual. Bullies tend to isolate and intimidate people they perceive as weaker. Sadly, most bullies were abused as children.

Adult bullies operate in a set behavior. They are not interested in working things out or compromising their position. They want power and domination over others. They believe that they alone know best how to do things. Bullies can be staff or members of local churches.

Different types of bullying

  • Verbal: teasing,  making inappropriate comments, spreading rumors
  • Social: embarrassing someone in public, leaving a person out of a decision intentionally to belittle them, or making threats (i.e. stop giving financially to the church, leave and take people with you, etc.)
  • Physical: pushing another person, making rude gestures, or touching another person in an intimidating manner
  • Cyber: sending email threats to staff, leaders, or members to sway them to a specific action. It tends to mention anonymous support for their solution to make others believe the problem is bigger than it is, or that they are in a stronger position than they are.

9 traits that help you to recognize bullies

Thomas S. Rainer, a healthy church consultant,  describes 9 traits to recognize bullies before they do too much damage. They tend to exert their will in the following ways:

  1. See themselves as the real “heroes” who know better than others how to save the church. They are willing to fight for their outcome.
  2. Have a personal or self-serving agenda – they alone know best how the church should do things. They tend to think more highly of themselves and put others down.
  3. Form power alliances with people they perceive as weaker. Thhis is why they tend to triangulate staff members and leaders to conquer them.
  4. Show intense and emotional personalities and can “blow up” quickly.
  5. Famous for being the “storyteller” in the congregation. They claim  “people are saying…”; “If you do that then the majority of the church will leave…”; or financial giving will suffer…”; etc.
  6. Thrive in churches with low expectations of members or where membership is seen as an entitlement to get your own way.
  7. Grow more powerful and relentless when no one stands up to challenge them.
  8. Create conflict and wreack havoc by exerting excessive force, dividing people, manipulation or making threats.
  9. Move on to other churches after they have done significant damage or are forced out.

Basically, a bully says “it is my way or the highway!” They belittle others into submission or convince people to their way of thinking to keep the peace. When church staff are bullies they tend to build a fiefdom of supporters who they incite to do their work. This causes dissension.

What can be done to prevent bullying?

Remember: you have choices. When bullying exists you are either a victim, a bully, or a bystander. You are not powerless – no matter what the bullies want you to believe!

Bullying is more common in churches than most people think. The good news is that with careful attention and focused effort, bullies can be rendered powerless in your organization. Look over the following list carefully. Note what you are already doing well and celebrate it, but do not stop there. Consider adding 2-3 new things to your ministry practice to further strengthen your group.

  1. Pray – don’t prey. Encourage people to pray for God’s guidance in difficult decisions rather than be swayed by the loudest voice or view in the room. Take a time out to pray about a matter rather than rushing to a vote.
  2. Encourage people to speak up for themselves. Practice open, direct communication whenever possible. Use “I” statements to own opinions rather than speaking for others.  Respond rather than react. Bullies thrive where people are silent or passive.
  3. Have a zero tolerance for bullying. Know what it looks and feels like.  Churches with smaller cliques where key decisions are made, or where publicly made insensitive comments are left unchallenged are at a higher risk of bullies.
  4. Be a “high expectation” congregation. Be clear on what it takes to be a member. Activities such as active participation in worship and a small group is essential. Do you expect people to be annually involved in a mission project? These settings provide an opportunity to get to know one another well and strengthens the spiritual practices necessary in a faith group to treat one another well.
  5. Take bullying seriously. Don’t give advice that permits bullying. Do not excuse aggressive behavior by saying: “don’t let them get to you”, “rise above it and ignore them”, or “that’s just the way they are – we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Try to restore people that bully but do not hesitate to challenge the behavior whenever it presents itself.
  6. Know who handles complaints in your church. Every congregation deserves a committee or group that handles the discontent and murmurs.  Some denominations have a Staff-Parish, or Mutual Ministry team that addresses significant issues. An “Acts 6” group can be useful in helping  congregation deal with matters before they escalate into open conflict that handles the murmurs of members.
  7. Create a safe environment for people to be involved in the total life of the church without being bullied. Complete a Behavioral Covenant and be sure that new members know what actions are supported by the document. Review it often and display in a public place for people to see.
  8. Teach the process of descalating conflictbetween people found in Matthew 18. In the case of bullying, skip straight to the second step and provide monitors to go to the bully and be direct in what you want them to do. Let them know how their behavior is intimidating or manipulative. Ask them to stop and provide concrete ways they can be a part of the group. If they refuse to cooperate, then take it to the Church Council for appropriate action to limit the bully’s influence. It is best to lose one bully than lose several people. Exercise church discipline.
  9. Vet your leaders carefully. Get to know people and recognize their talents or gifts. Put well-qualified people in positions of authority. It’s best not just to let people volunteer for a job when you do not know them well. Be clear about meeting schedules and expectations.
  10. Create consequences. People should know what happens when a bully tries to exert their authority aggressively over a group. Provide a warning and name the next step. Bullies should not be allowed to hold leadership positions! It’s important to know that bullies tend to get stronger when left unchallenged.
  11. Use a fair process to make decisions. ParliamentaryProcessess tend to create winners and losers in an organization. It is easy with these methods to have a loud persuasive voice carry the vote or sway a decision. Consider using a consensus building process to make decisions that encourage full participation and innovative ideas to flourish. Work toward cooperation and unity that is won through respectful discussion.
  12. Train Staff. Most pastors and key leaders do not know how to handle conflict well or address obnoxious people soundly. Beware of keeping secrets and trying to deal with bullies one on one.
  13. Seek help! When you find yourself in a place where you are in over your head or the situation deteriorating quickly, do not be afraid to get help. Find someone who can take care of the situation decisively. Your Judicatory leader, local school counselor, or a trained mediator can address the situation fairly. Don’t wait too long to resolve the challenge. It only gets worse.
  14. Be more joyful than judicial. Bullies have a hard time influencing a group when things are going well and acknowledged.

 Conclusion

Bullies never leave or change on their own. If you know the warning signs you can reduce the chances of a bully getting into a place of power. However if they are at work, start to address the situation early.

In the post next week we look at why bullies operate in the church, some practical examples and some more ideas on what you can do to address them.

Guidelines for Getting the Most out of Meetings

Ever had a wasted meeting?

If you are like me, you have participated in many meetings over the course of your lifetime: perhaps at work, school, church, civic groups, etc. In my experience, many of these meetings either contributed to rising conflict in the group, or led to poor decisions being made. Imagine all the time and energy that was invested in these meetings! Is it any wonder that people are actually shying away from joining groups that make decisions? We need a better approach. Thankfully there is one: consensus decision making. We also need guidelines for having successful consensus meetings.

So what is Consensus?

Consensus is simply the practice at arriving at a decision where participants are equally involved in making the decisions. It is a dynamic and creative way of reaching outcomes that work for all members of a group. Rather than having confusing substitutions, complicated voting or calling for the questions to stop discussion (as is the practice with Robert’s Rules of Order), consensus works by improving a proposal so that all can embrace the results. Of course, this means that all opinions, ideas and concerns of participants are taken into account. It is a respectful process where relationships and end results are both valued.

Doesn’t this take more time?

Absolutely not! Once the practice becomes familiar with a group, it actually takes about the same time as a parliamentary procedure or even less. It certainly generates a course of action that has the support it needs to be successful. Furthermore,  decisions are less likely to be revisited or challenged later. (For more information, see previous posts on this site about the process or read our book: “The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together” Abingdon Press, 2017.)

What you can do to help the process

  • Before you do anything else: pray. Ask for guidance in participating well in the meeting.  Pray for the chair of the meeting as well as other participants.  Lift up the hope of a just resolution.
  • Come to the meeting with a collaborative mindset. Read the proposal in advance and make a list of what you can support in it as well as a list of questions you have about the material. Beginning with a proper attitude is essential. Rather than beginning with your objections or arguments, ask yourself: “What is this proposal trying to achieve?” “What can I support?”
  • Be willing to work towards the solution that’s best for the everyone, not just what you desire to happen. This takes a flexible mindset and the ability to compromise in order to reach an agreement. Sometimes a huge roadblock to reaching consensus is one person’s attachment to their own idea. Ask yourself: “Does this new idea work best for the group, even if I didn’t think of it first?”
  • Help to create a respectful and trusting atmosphere. In consensus, it is important that everyone feels that they can express their ideas and opinions.  Its not worth getting upset by differences in approach. Strive to keep an open mind.
  • Listen actively to what other people are saying and what they value. Use good communication strategies like respectful listening. Make every effort to understand someone’s position and their underlying needs, and concerns. If you don’t understand what is beng said- say so. Allow adequate time and space to consider various points of views.
  • When you have the opportunity to express your own position, do so as clearly and concisely as possible. Rather than trying to convince others of the merit of your argument,  be open and honest about the reasons for your viewpoint. Work with others to develop the best way forward.
  • It’s natural for their to be disagreement or conflict over things people value or feel strongly about. Consensus isn’t about everyone thinking the same thing at the same time. Differences of opinion are natural. When disagreements arise, they can actually help form a stronger option that has not been considered before. You need a wide range of information to do this successfully. In fact, if you reach consensus too quickly it may mask that a group fears disagreement or does not have the ability to work through it in healthy ways. It may also mean that people do not feel safe enough in the process to be honest with the group and express a different opinion.
  • Use your cards wisely. Rather than vote, the use of colored response cards are helpful to reaching consensus. Instruct people on how to use the response cards wisely. Blue cards are used after a person speaks to signal to the chair that they are cool to the idea that was shared. It also means that the group is not ready to reach consensus and needs more time. An orange card signals that you are favorable to an idea or that you are ready to reach consensus. Use the cards to signal your response to what is being said.
  • Celebrate your decisions.  Affirm people for the time and energy it takes to make good decisions.  Over time, people will feel comfortable with the process and feel comfotable with it.

By following these simple guidelines, you can have a successful consensus decision-making meeting.

Tips for a Chair of a Consensus Meeting

We’ve discussed the various parts of the consensus decision-making process. Now it’s time to provide tips for the chair of the meeting. Like other business meetings, there is a certain level of skill involved in completing consensus decision-making in your organization. There are specific skills you can learn to make the process go smoothly. The answer to “how” begins with a simple “yes” that you want to do this process well.

Considerations for a Well-Run Meeting

Here is a list of factors that will help you successfully Chair your next meeting using consensus decision-making:

  1.  Prepare: Most meetings get off to a poor start because the participants are confused about the details. Be sure your leaders know the time and place of the meeting. Provide an agenda in advance so people know what to expect. Also, provide a copy of the proposal to each person attending at least 7 days in advance of the meeting. Make sure that the rationale / reasoning/ aim of the proposal/ resolution is provided seperate from the proposal.
  2. Pray: Perhaps this sounds unnecessary to mention, yet it is important.  Pray for your facilitation of the meeting and for the people attending. Ask God’s guidance for the process.
  3. Room Arrangements: How the room is arranged is a key factor to the success of the meeting. The Chair should be seated at a place in the room where they can clearly see all participants.
  4.  Audio Support: People need to hear clearly what is being said in the meeting. If the group is large enough, you may need microphones for the chair and in key locations in the meeting space for participants.
  5. Visuals: In most meetings, it is helpful to have some type of projection of material. This is true of the actual proposal itself with the ability to edit the document in real time during the meeting.
  6. Presentation of the Proposal: As chair, you should help the presenter of the proposal to be prepared to share the background for the proposal as well as the actual wording before the meeting. They should be ready to place the proposal before the group in a succinct manner. You will need to get a second from someone in the group to move the proposal forward. It helps to have these people lined up in advance of the meeting so there are no surprises.
  7. Receiving Questions: Once the proposal is before the group, allow time for questions for clarification. Be alert! Sometimes people will nest a question in a revision. Or they will make a statement or speech with a question mark at the end! This is not the time for debate or to improve the document – it’s space to be sure that you understand the proposal and the impact it may have on your group. If someone raises a revision, call them out of order by gently asking them to bring that suggestion to the group at the appropriate time in the meeting.
  8. Teachable Moments: As chair, it is helpful to acknowledge where you are in the process and guide the group toward full participation. When someone does something not helpful to the process, invite them to wait until the process is open to their input. On those occasions when a participant asks a good question or does something to advance the process, call attention to it so people can gain confidence in how those things support the group.
  9. Deliberation: This is the real meat of the process. As Chair of the meeting, you will need to be on your toes during this section of the meeting. Invite the group to think about what they can support in the proposal or what would help them support the proposal. Sometimes asking people to ‘pair and share’ their responses to these questions with one another. This allows the introverts in the group an opportunity to participate on a deeper level. If you are working with a very large group, you may want to divide the participants into smaller groups to allow this conversation to happen. After you allow time for this interaction, call the group together and ask participants to share their revisions or suggestions to improve the proposal.
  10. Perfecting the Proposal: Once you move into the part of your meeting where people can make suggestions to revise the initial proposal it is important to have a scribe or recorder capture the comments so people can see them in real time. This could be done in Powerpoint, or on a sheet of newsprint. In large groups, have people submit their revision in writing.  Take your time and slow this part of the meeting to the pace that it is easy for people to stay current with the conversation. This prevents duplication of comments or getting stuck.
  11. Gaining Support: As Chair, it is crucial that you are able to guide the group toward full participation so everyone is heard. Sometimes, asking if there is a voice in the room or perspective that you have not heard yet is helpful.  Whenever you ask this question allow time for a response. Another way to read the group is with the use of colored cards. Have blue and orange cards cut to 5X7 (A5 or even larger) for each participant. Explain that blue means that you are cool to an idea or not ready to support the proposal. Orange denotes that you are warm to an idea expressed or ready to make a decision. Invite the group to use their cards whenever a person speaks in the deliberation phase. This provides you with a good idea of whether the group is working well with the material before them or even ready to make a decision.
  12. Ready for a Decision: At this point in the meeting, the proposal has been shaped by the wisdom in the group. It’s time to make a decision and there are many ways to do this. The easiest is to simply ask for a show of cards if all are orange – you have consensus! But if you are building consensus before a vote, then a show of hands in support of the proposal as well as a show of hands not supporting the proposl will work. Some groups will ask if anyone is standing outside of consensus on the matter to hear why they feel as they do. This provides one more chance to perfect the proposal.
  13. Acknowledging the Work: once the process has run its course and a decision has been made thank the presenter of the proposal as well as the participants for their dedication on completing the decision.

Conclusion

You will find over time that the consensus decision-making process gets shorter and easier for participants. Also, the results get more creative and easier to implement. Your role as the Chair of the meeting, makes this possible. Do everything in your power to run the meeting well and empower the group to make good decisions.

Tips for Participants in a Consensus Decision-Making Meeting

Calling Participants in Consensus

Not many people have had a lot of experience as participants in a consensus decision-making meeting. No worries. It can be learned and become familiar to you by looking over the following tips.

Considerations for Participants

Look over this list to learn more about successfully participating in your next business meeting.

  1.  Prepare: Be sure to receive and read the Agenda of the meeting in advance. This is also true of any supporting document like proposals. Do not come to the meeting without adequately preparing for the session. Make a list of questions that you have about the material. What words do I not understand? Do I really understand what will happen if I support this proposal?
  2. Pray: Part of getting ready for the meeting is to pray for the Chair of the meeting as well s the other participants. Ask God’s guidance as you consider the proposal. Be open to the Spirit’s counsel.
  3. Be on Time: Arrive at the meeting 15 minutes in advance, get yourself settled and make positive caring connections with the other members. Play your part in building the community!
  4. Ask Good Questions. Make a list of respectful questions about the matter before the group. These questions should focus on the meaning of the words as well as who is impacted by the decision. Questions are not a chance to make a speech but a way to be faithful and open.
  5. Be a Team Player. Making good decisions is not a solo occupation – it is the work of the community gathered for that purpose. One way to be a good team player is to adjust your attitude. You’re all on the same side. Rather than lobbying against a proposal, ask yourself what it would need to contain to get your support. Be ready to voice it your concerns and ideas in a respectful manner – with a view to offering idea on how you can support the  proposal.
  6. Use Your Cards. Participants should be given a blue and orange card. Blue means that cool to an idea, not ready to support the proposal yet, or that you have a question. Orange means that you are warm to an idea, or ready to support the proposal. Use your cards each time someone speaks so that the chair can read the wisdom in the room. This helps the meeting to progress smoothly.
  7. Practice Good Communication. Use “I” statements: “I feel…” or “I believe…” whenever possible. Take ownership of your perspective.  When you make a mistake, own that as well. If helpful acknowledge that you have changed your mind or apologize.
  8. Work Towards the Greater Good. Rather than trying to get your own way or prevent something from happening, work for the good of the group. Making decisions is not about getting our own way, but of discerning God’s best hope for the group and community.
  9. Relax. Over time, the process will become familiar and take less time. Be patient.

Conclusion

Learning to make decisions by consensus is a noble endeavor. You can do it! In the long run, you will notice a greater ownership of ideas and the decisions. There will be an enhanced creativity to resolve issues. It will also be easier to put a matter to rest and implement the decision.

Worship Service of Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Conflict can be destructive in a congregation or organization. Once you deal with a major conflict in your group it is not just enough in a church context to talk about it and leave it at that. Healing – deep healing – needs to draw on spiritual resources.

So plan to bring these spiritual resources before the community of faith with a special worship service. Its order and content will focus on how to foster reconciliation and forgiveness. This helps people move on in a positive way – resourced by God to do so.

The following Order of Worship is one that I use.  Make adjustments to reflect your traditional order of worship, your denomination or culture. Involve as many people as possible by having laity read Scripture, read prayers, etc.

ORDER OF WORSHIP

FOR A SERVICE OF HEALING AND RECONCILIATION

Call to worship: 

*Opening Hymn: “The Church’s One Foundation” UMH* 545 (or other song that reminds people of their common ground)

Pastoral Prayer

Children’s message on forgiveness

Offering (special music)

Doxology

*Scripture: Exodus 3 – 4:17 (on the call of Moses) or Ephesians 4 (Unity of the Body)

Message 

     Statements of Gratitude and Affirmation

Prayer of Thanksgiving

ALL:

          We thank you, O Lord,

          for all the ways you have blessed us here at (name of church)

          You have given us gifted leaders

          You have blessed us with a community of faith

          You have endowed our lives with goodness

          You have given us the Holy Scriptures

          But most of all,

          you have given us the gift of your Son Jesus Christ

          and the healing power of your Holy Spirit.

          For all these blessings and more,

          we praise and thank you.

          Through Jesus Christ we pray, Amen

 Statements of Regret and Confession

Prayer of Confession

LEADER

If we claim that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves,

and the truth is not in us.

PEOPLE

          But if we confess our sins,

          God who is faithful and just

          will forgive our sins

          and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

LEADER

Let us confess our sins against God and our neighbor…

Moments of Silence

 PEOPLE

          Merciful God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ;

          maker of all things; judge of all people:

          we acknowledge the many sins and failures

          that we have committed

          by thought, word, and action

          against each other and against you.

          We earnestly repent.

          We are deeply sorry for our damaging words

          and our destructive behaviors.

          In your mercy forgive what we have been,

          help us to amend what we are,

          and direct what we shall be,

          so that we may delight in your will

          and walk in your ways, giving you the glory.

          Amen

LEADER

Hear the good news!

The saying is sure and worthy of full acceptance,

that Christ Jesus came into the world

to save sinners.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross,

that we might be dead to sins

and be alive to all that is good.

In the name of Jesus Christ, embrace God’s

forgiveness and peace.

Signs of God’s Peace (handshakes or embraces shared with the words:  The Peace of Christ be with you!  Response:  And also with you!)

Holy Communion (Pastor)

Annointing (Lay leader) (Make the sign of the cross with oil on people’s right hands with the words:  (Name), live as a forgiven child of God)

 Closing Hymn: “Blest Be the Tie That Binds” UMH 557

Benediction/Sending

  • UMH refers to the United Methodist Hymnal

This Order of Worship is especially meaningful after your congregation has worked through a serious conflict and people have owned their part in the tension and agree to work together in peace.