Category: Church Meetings

7 things that help meetings work well

Meetings need more than luck

If you want to get good decisions then you can’t just wing it. Preparation is critical. Planning for a meeting also means getting your mindset right. So think about how to embed high quality values into your meetings. Also think about the behviors that express these high quality values.

In this post you are invited to think about 7 values or commitments that help a meeting to work well. Then put in place practices that support those values.

How to use this worksheet

In the first column is a practice that will help your meetings work better. In the second column is an example, or two, of specific things that you can encourage in your people and meeting practices that bring that value to life.

In the third column you can write “yes” or “no” to indicate if you  encourage or do these things in your meetings. If you answer “no” then in the fourth column make a note of what you can do to support these actions / practices in your meetings.

Mettings Best Practice Worksheet

Best Practice Actions in support Yes/No What to do better
Address issues in a transparent and direct manner

 

 Invite people to talk about feelings and hopes

 

    
Focus on interests not positions  Ask what is really important    
Generate options for mutual gain Work for a win-win approach

Let people talk Think of ideas that benefit both

    
 Assure fair process Make sure everyone knows the rules    
Practice direct communication Talk with others, not about them

Use “I” & not “you” statements

Talk about feelings and what’s important to you

    
 Take a break If you get stuck put the business aside for a while

If emotions rise pause for prayer

    
 Work at relationships Apologize

Forgive

Try hard to understand the other’s point of view

    

Conclusion

Your attitude as a leader or group member is  essential for the success of your meetings. I encourage you to grow in your sensitivity to what makes for healthy meetings. This checklist (and I’m sure you can add more values) is one way to do this. When you have done the worksheet include it as part of your Council or Committee’s anual assessment of its performance as a decision-making group.

 

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.

 

 

Bullying At Church – What Is It?

What is a bully?

A bully is someone who asserts their wishes on others to the detriment of the other person. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that usually involves a power imbalance. These individuals want to get their way and control others. They can cause havoc and create conflict.

Wikipedia defines bullying as the “use of force, threat, or coercion to intimidate or dominate others.” This behavior is intentional, repetitive and habitual. Bullies tend to isolate and intimidate people they perceive as weaker. Sadly, most bullies were abused as children.

Adult bullies operate in a set behavior. They are not interested in working things out or compromising their position. They want power and domination over others. They believe that they alone know best how to do things. Bullies can be staff or members of local churches.

Different types of bullying

  • Verbal: teasing,  making inappropriate comments, spreading rumors
  • Social: embarrassing someone in public, leaving a person out of a decision intentionally to belittle them, or making threats (i.e. stop giving financially to the church, leave and take people with you, etc.)
  • Physical: pushing another person, making rude gestures, or touching another person in an intimidating manner
  • Cyber: sending email threats to staff, leaders, or members to sway them to a specific action. It tends to mention anonymous support for their solution to make others believe the problem is bigger than it is, or that they are in a stronger position than they are.

9 traits that help you to recognize bullies

Thomas S. Rainer, a healthy church consultant,  describes 9 traits to recognize bullies before they do too much damage. They tend to exert their will in the following ways:

  1. See themselves as the real “heroes” who know better than others how to save the church. They are willing to fight for their outcome.
  2. Have a personal or self-serving agenda – they alone know best how the church should do things. They tend to think more highly of themselves and put others down.
  3. Form power alliances with people they perceive as weaker. Thhis is why they tend to triangulate staff members and leaders to conquer them.
  4. Show intense and emotional personalities and can “blow up” quickly.
  5. Famous for being the “storyteller” in the congregation. They claim  “people are saying…”; “If you do that then the majority of the church will leave…”; or financial giving will suffer…”; etc.
  6. Thrive in churches with low expectations of members or where membership is seen as an entitlement to get your own way.
  7. Grow more powerful and relentless when no one stands up to challenge them.
  8. Create conflict and wreack havoc by exerting excessive force, dividing people, manipulation or making threats.
  9. Move on to other churches after they have done significant damage or are forced out.

Basically, a bully says “it is my way or the highway!” They belittle others into submission or convince people to their way of thinking to keep the peace. When church staff are bullies they tend to build a fiefdom of supporters who they incite to do their work. This causes dissension.

What can be done to prevent bullying?

Remember: you have choices. When bullying exists you are either a victim, a bully, or a bystander. You are not powerless – no matter what the bullies want you to believe!

Bullying is more common in churches than most people think. The good news is that with careful attention and focused effort, bullies can be rendered powerless in your organization. Look over the following list carefully. Note what you are already doing well and celebrate it, but do not stop there. Consider adding 2-3 new things to your ministry practice to further strengthen your group.

  1. Pray – don’t prey. Encourage people to pray for God’s guidance in difficult decisions rather than be swayed by the loudest voice or view in the room. Take a time out to pray about a matter rather than rushing to a vote.
  2. Encourage people to speak up for themselves. Practice open, direct communication whenever possible. Use “I” statements to own opinions rather than speaking for others.  Respond rather than react. Bullies thrive where people are silent or passive.
  3. Have a zero tolerance for bullying. Know what it looks and feels like.  Churches with smaller cliques where key decisions are made, or where publicly made insensitive comments are left unchallenged are at a higher risk of bullies.
  4. Be a “high expectation” congregation. Be clear on what it takes to be a member. Activities such as active participation in worship and a small group is essential. Do you expect people to be annually involved in a mission project? These settings provide an opportunity to get to know one another well and strengthens the spiritual practices necessary in a faith group to treat one another well.
  5. Take bullying seriously. Don’t give advice that permits bullying. Do not excuse aggressive behavior by saying: “don’t let them get to you”, “rise above it and ignore them”, or “that’s just the way they are – we’re supposed to love them anyway.” Try to restore people that bully but do not hesitate to challenge the behavior whenever it presents itself.
  6. Know who handles complaints in your church. Every congregation deserves a committee or group that handles the discontent and murmurs.  Some denominations have a Staff-Parish, or Mutual Ministry team that addresses significant issues. An “Acts 6” group can be useful in helping  congregation deal with matters before they escalate into open conflict that handles the murmurs of members.
  7. Create a safe environment for people to be involved in the total life of the church without being bullied. Complete a Behavioral Covenant and be sure that new members know what actions are supported by the document. Review it often and display in a public place for people to see.
  8. Teach the process of descalating conflictbetween people found in Matthew 18. In the case of bullying, skip straight to the second step and provide monitors to go to the bully and be direct in what you want them to do. Let them know how their behavior is intimidating or manipulative. Ask them to stop and provide concrete ways they can be a part of the group. If they refuse to cooperate, then take it to the Church Council for appropriate action to limit the bully’s influence. It is best to lose one bully than lose several people. Exercise church discipline.
  9. Vet your leaders carefully. Get to know people and recognize their talents or gifts. Put well-qualified people in positions of authority. It’s best not just to let people volunteer for a job when you do not know them well. Be clear about meeting schedules and expectations.
  10. Create consequences. People should know what happens when a bully tries to exert their authority aggressively over a group. Provide a warning and name the next step. Bullies should not be allowed to hold leadership positions! It’s important to know that bullies tend to get stronger when left unchallenged.
  11. Use a fair process to make decisions. ParliamentaryProcessess tend to create winners and losers in an organization. It is easy with these methods to have a loud persuasive voice carry the vote or sway a decision. Consider using a consensus building process to make decisions that encourage full participation and innovative ideas to flourish. Work toward cooperation and unity that is won through respectful discussion.
  12. Train Staff. Most pastors and key leaders do not know how to handle conflict well or address obnoxious people soundly. Beware of keeping secrets and trying to deal with bullies one on one.
  13. Seek help! When you find yourself in a place where you are in over your head or the situation deteriorating quickly, do not be afraid to get help. Find someone who can take care of the situation decisively. Your Judicatory leader, local school counselor, or a trained mediator can address the situation fairly. Don’t wait too long to resolve the challenge. It only gets worse.
  14. Be more joyful than judicial. Bullies have a hard time influencing a group when things are going well and acknowledged.

 Conclusion

Bullies never leave or change on their own. If you know the warning signs you can reduce the chances of a bully getting into a place of power. However if they are at work, start to address the situation early.

In the post next week we look at why bullies operate in the church, some practical examples and some more ideas on what you can do to address them.

Guidelines for Getting the Most out of Meetings

Ever had a wasted meeting?

If you are like me, you have participated in many meetings over the course of your lifetime: perhaps at work, school, church, civic groups, etc. In my experience, many of these meetings either contributed to rising conflict in the group, or led to poor decisions being made. Imagine all the time and energy that was invested in these meetings! Is it any wonder that people are actually shying away from joining groups that make decisions? We need a better approach. Thankfully there is one: consensus decision making. We also need guidelines for having successful consensus meetings.

So what is Consensus?

Consensus is simply the practice at arriving at a decision where participants are equally involved in making the decisions. It is a dynamic and creative way of reaching outcomes that work for all members of a group. Rather than having confusing substitutions, complicated voting or calling for the questions to stop discussion (as is the practice with Robert’s Rules of Order), consensus works by improving a proposal so that all can embrace the results. Of course, this means that all opinions, ideas and concerns of participants are taken into account. It is a respectful process where relationships and end results are both valued.

Doesn’t this take more time?

Absolutely not! Once the practice becomes familiar with a group, it actually takes about the same time as a parliamentary procedure or even less. It certainly generates a course of action that has the support it needs to be successful. Furthermore,  decisions are less likely to be revisited or challenged later. (For more information, see previous posts on this site about the process or read our book: “The Church Guide for Making Decisions Together” Abingdon Press, 2017.)

What you can do to help the process

  • Before you do anything else: pray. Ask for guidance in participating well in the meeting.  Pray for the chair of the meeting as well as other participants.  Lift up the hope of a just resolution.
  • Come to the meeting with a collaborative mindset. Read the proposal in advance and make a list of what you can support in it as well as a list of questions you have about the material. Beginning with a proper attitude is essential. Rather than beginning with your objections or arguments, ask yourself: “What is this proposal trying to achieve?” “What can I support?”
  • Be willing to work towards the solution that’s best for the everyone, not just what you desire to happen. This takes a flexible mindset and the ability to compromise in order to reach an agreement. Sometimes a huge roadblock to reaching consensus is one person’s attachment to their own idea. Ask yourself: “Does this new idea work best for the group, even if I didn’t think of it first?”
  • Help to create a respectful and trusting atmosphere. In consensus, it is important that everyone feels that they can express their ideas and opinions.  Its not worth getting upset by differences in approach. Strive to keep an open mind.
  • Listen actively to what other people are saying and what they value. Use good communication strategies like respectful listening. Make every effort to understand someone’s position and their underlying needs, and concerns. If you don’t understand what is beng said- say so. Allow adequate time and space to consider various points of views.
  • When you have the opportunity to express your own position, do so as clearly and concisely as possible. Rather than trying to convince others of the merit of your argument,  be open and honest about the reasons for your viewpoint. Work with others to develop the best way forward.
  • It’s natural for their to be disagreement or conflict over things people value or feel strongly about. Consensus isn’t about everyone thinking the same thing at the same time. Differences of opinion are natural. When disagreements arise, they can actually help form a stronger option that has not been considered before. You need a wide range of information to do this successfully. In fact, if you reach consensus too quickly it may mask that a group fears disagreement or does not have the ability to work through it in healthy ways. It may also mean that people do not feel safe enough in the process to be honest with the group and express a different opinion.
  • Use your cards wisely. Rather than vote, the use of colored response cards are helpful to reaching consensus. Instruct people on how to use the response cards wisely. Blue cards are used after a person speaks to signal to the chair that they are cool to the idea that was shared. It also means that the group is not ready to reach consensus and needs more time. An orange card signals that you are favorable to an idea or that you are ready to reach consensus. Use the cards to signal your response to what is being said.
  • Celebrate your decisions.  Affirm people for the time and energy it takes to make good decisions.  Over time, people will feel comfortable with the process and feel comfotable with it.

By following these simple guidelines, you can have a successful consensus decision-making meeting.

Tips for a Chair of a Consensus Meeting

We’ve discussed the various parts of the consensus decision-making process. Now it’s time to provide tips for the chair of the meeting. Like other business meetings, there is a certain level of skill involved in completing consensus decision-making in your organization. There are specific skills you can learn to make the process go smoothly. The answer to “how” begins with a simple “yes” that you want to do this process well.

Considerations for a Well-Run Meeting

Here is a list of factors that will help you successfully Chair your next meeting using consensus decision-making:

  1.  Prepare: Most meetings get off to a poor start because the participants are confused about the details. Be sure your leaders know the time and place of the meeting. Provide an agenda in advance so people know what to expect. Also, provide a copy of the proposal to each person attending at least 7 days in advance of the meeting. Make sure that the rationale / reasoning/ aim of the proposal/ resolution is provided seperate from the proposal.
  2. Pray: Perhaps this sounds unnecessary to mention, yet it is important.  Pray for your facilitation of the meeting and for the people attending. Ask God’s guidance for the process.
  3. Room Arrangements: How the room is arranged is a key factor to the success of the meeting. The Chair should be seated at a place in the room where they can clearly see all participants.
  4.  Audio Support: People need to hear clearly what is being said in the meeting. If the group is large enough, you may need microphones for the chair and in key locations in the meeting space for participants.
  5. Visuals: In most meetings, it is helpful to have some type of projection of material. This is true of the actual proposal itself with the ability to edit the document in real time during the meeting.
  6. Presentation of the Proposal: As chair, you should help the presenter of the proposal to be prepared to share the background for the proposal as well as the actual wording before the meeting. They should be ready to place the proposal before the group in a succinct manner. You will need to get a second from someone in the group to move the proposal forward. It helps to have these people lined up in advance of the meeting so there are no surprises.
  7. Receiving Questions: Once the proposal is before the group, allow time for questions for clarification. Be alert! Sometimes people will nest a question in a revision. Or they will make a statement or speech with a question mark at the end! This is not the time for debate or to improve the document – it’s space to be sure that you understand the proposal and the impact it may have on your group. If someone raises a revision, call them out of order by gently asking them to bring that suggestion to the group at the appropriate time in the meeting.
  8. Teachable Moments: As chair, it is helpful to acknowledge where you are in the process and guide the group toward full participation. When someone does something not helpful to the process, invite them to wait until the process is open to their input. On those occasions when a participant asks a good question or does something to advance the process, call attention to it so people can gain confidence in how those things support the group.
  9. Deliberation: This is the real meat of the process. As Chair of the meeting, you will need to be on your toes during this section of the meeting. Invite the group to think about what they can support in the proposal or what would help them support the proposal. Sometimes asking people to ‘pair and share’ their responses to these questions with one another. This allows the introverts in the group an opportunity to participate on a deeper level. If you are working with a very large group, you may want to divide the participants into smaller groups to allow this conversation to happen. After you allow time for this interaction, call the group together and ask participants to share their revisions or suggestions to improve the proposal.
  10. Perfecting the Proposal: Once you move into the part of your meeting where people can make suggestions to revise the initial proposal it is important to have a scribe or recorder capture the comments so people can see them in real time. This could be done in Powerpoint, or on a sheet of newsprint. In large groups, have people submit their revision in writing.  Take your time and slow this part of the meeting to the pace that it is easy for people to stay current with the conversation. This prevents duplication of comments or getting stuck.
  11. Gaining Support: As Chair, it is crucial that you are able to guide the group toward full participation so everyone is heard. Sometimes, asking if there is a voice in the room or perspective that you have not heard yet is helpful.  Whenever you ask this question allow time for a response. Another way to read the group is with the use of colored cards. Have blue and orange cards cut to 5X7 (A5 or even larger) for each participant. Explain that blue means that you are cool to an idea or not ready to support the proposal. Orange denotes that you are warm to an idea expressed or ready to make a decision. Invite the group to use their cards whenever a person speaks in the deliberation phase. This provides you with a good idea of whether the group is working well with the material before them or even ready to make a decision.
  12. Ready for a Decision: At this point in the meeting, the proposal has been shaped by the wisdom in the group. It’s time to make a decision and there are many ways to do this. The easiest is to simply ask for a show of cards if all are orange – you have consensus! But if you are building consensus before a vote, then a show of hands in support of the proposal as well as a show of hands not supporting the proposl will work. Some groups will ask if anyone is standing outside of consensus on the matter to hear why they feel as they do. This provides one more chance to perfect the proposal.
  13. Acknowledging the Work: once the process has run its course and a decision has been made thank the presenter of the proposal as well as the participants for their dedication on completing the decision.

Conclusion

You will find over time that the consensus decision-making process gets shorter and easier for participants. Also, the results get more creative and easier to implement. Your role as the Chair of the meeting, makes this possible. Do everything in your power to run the meeting well and empower the group to make good decisions.