Conflict is Your Friend

How does growth happen in a person or organization? What makes learning and new insights possible? Something new shows up! When what we know is challenged by the new (conflict) we have the opportunity to grow as a person or an organization.

No one learns anything without being challenged to revisit what they already know or believe!! Into our life comes something that invites us to think of an alternative to our exisiting behaviour, knowledge, values, beliefs, etc. Two ideas trying to occupy the same space is a conflict. Conflict invites us into a new space. Therefore conflict is our friend because it makes growth possible.

Of course, we are talking about conflict that is handled well. When these contested spaces lead to unhealthy and negative reactions then harm is done. However when handled well conflict – in the sense of choices between different options – is an indispensable gift that makes imcreased maturity possible.

Healthy engagement builds trust and confidence

When people make their different points of view known they can do it in a way that is encouraging of discussion or in a way that is attacking. The latter approach generates negativity and breaks down relationships.

However when our different perspectives, knowledge and experience are shared in a humble and gentle way relationships are strengthened. By sharing important things – even different ones – people deepen their relationships.

By being able to work through our differences in ways that build up, and not pull down, we can learn to trust each other. We can believe that the other person wants the best for us and themselves. When we succeed in navigating significant differences we build confidence in our interpersonal skills and the quality of our relationships.

Relationship can be restored and strengthened

We all have times when we don’t welcome new ideas or the people who bring them! When handled badly conflict can break relationships. But what if you don’t let those bad feelings fester? Things can improve.

Don’t run away from the people with whom you have had a bad experience in conflict. If you possibly can, seek them out and try to start the conversation over. Don’t put the blame on them for the strain in the relationship. Own your part and let them decide what they will own up to. Use “I” statements so that you keep the focus on what you have seen, heard, said, felt, interpreted and done.

My experience is that when I do “the hard yards” in seeking to overcome a negative conflict then it makes the relationship better. There is something deeply satisfying and encouraging when we get over a bad experience of conflict. Such experiences give us confidence that if we can fix this then we can handle bigger issues too.

Issues are decisively resolved

One of the best things that you can do when you have a conflict is to admit that it exists. Ignoring conflicts never causes them to go away. Instead they undermine relationships and often lead to negativity.

When there are differences of opinion in a group get them out in the open. Help people to share their thoughts. Create a safe space for talking together. Specifically invite people to share their ideas. Use processes that are respectful of all voices and give them a chance to be heard.

Once you know what the issues are then you can resolve them. A consensus building process is a great way to get all the ideas out there and to get to a resolution. No one likes problems that just keep hanging around! Name the differences, talk about them and work out a solution together.

New insights and discoveries made

Once again The Beatles got it right. They sang “Nothing you can know that isn’t known. Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.” (All You Need is Love, Yellow Submarine, 1969). Yep – we need people to share their knowledge and insights. Unless people do that then we live stunted, narrow and ineffective lives.

I can never understand churches that think they already know everything and refuse to listen to new ideas! Churches that stop hearing and engaging with new ideas will not gain new insights and discoveries. Any church that says that it has it all worked out is both arrogant and wrong. They condemn their church and members to living as stunted, narrow and ineffective disciples.

A group is energized

“Success breeds success” is an old and accurate saying. When individuals or groups get things done it encourages them to do it again. So when groups learn to cope with differences in a healthy way they are no longer worried about differences. Groups learn that new insights are creative, positive and make good decisions possible.

Groups are energised when conflict is handled well. This is in contrast with groups that are paralysed by conflict because it is such a painful experience. Give energy to your group by helping it to learn and appreciate different points of view and experiences.

People are engaged

A key reason that people behave badly in conflict situations is so that they can get their way. People frighten, bully and belittle opponents to silence them. When people are intimidated in a conflict they withdraw and stay on the sidelines. They are not engaged.

However if you create a positive culture about how to handle differences among people then everyone stays in the conversation. Then people become excited about the new possibilities, or what they are learning from others.

A powerful witness is given

Sadly we live in a world where negative conflict (combat) is the norm. Our societies are at risk of fracturing as groups move into armed camps and enclaves. Our world needs the church to witness to another way of being in community at the points of our disagreement.

The heart of the gospel is the reconcilliation of the whole of creation to God and to one another. What a wonderful hope to offer a world where the different are demonized and attacked!! Christians have an amazing opportunity to point to another way of dealing with difference. It is a way that shows respect, care and openness to the other. Sadly too many churches are caught up in the culture of our times and attack those who are different. My encouragement to you is to see the way that you handle conflict as, probably, the most evangelical act that you can engage in at this time.

Conclusion

Conflict is like fire. It is both dangerous and comforting. It is life threatening and life enriching. Like fire, handled well, conflict makes our life so much better.

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Author: Terence

I am a Minister of the Uniting Church in Australia. My current ministries focus on consultancy and teaching about consensus based decision-making, mediation, governance training and professional supervision for Ministers. I am co-author of the book "The Church Guide For Making Decisions Together". I live on the beautiful Far South Coast of NSW from where I undertake ministry across the globe. Contact me at terence@makingchurchdecisions.com View all posts by Terence