Tag: church meetings

25 Characteristics of Effective Groups

Are you in an Effective Group?

You know whether you are in effective small groups or not.  Am I right?

Recently, I changed Sunday School classes. The people in my previous class are really nice people. However the group rarely got into its Bible lesson without getting sidetracked by current events or politics. Some people were getting hurt by not agreeing with the majority view – others stopped attending. I simply grew frustrated. I was feeling that I was being held captive to someone’s rants or raves. It was not why I was there!

Can you identify with my experience? Sadly, many Christians do not feel that they’re a part of effective groups. Groups come in many forms – small groups for study or fellowship, a ministry team or a leadership Council. There are things that you can do to ensure your groups are effective.

How would you rate your group?

Think of groups to which you currently belong. Review this list of characteristics. It should be a group that meets regularly and has a clearly defined role. For each characteristic, rate your groups by circling a number at the end of the characteristic.

Key:    1=not really      5=so-so    10=on target

  1. Everyone arrives and leaves on time                            1     5     10
  2. Our leader is trained and effective                                 1     5     10
  3. Our group has a clearly defined purpose                     1     5     10
  4. All members participate                                                     1     5     10
  5. We communicate clearly and directly                          1     5     10
  6. Our discussions are focused and productive             1     5     10
  7. We don’t judge but seek to understand                       1     5     10
  8. We periodically evaluate how we are doing               1     5     10
  9. We have a set goal or agenda when we meet             1     5     10
  10. We pray for one another rather than prey                  1     5     10
  11. Our group accomplishes it’s goals                                 1     5     10
  12. We make decisions by consensus                                   1     5     10
  13. We all feel responsible for the group’s success        1     5     10
  14. We deal with conflict in a timely manner                   1     5     10
  15. We have a shared vision                                                      1      5     10
  16. Our group is growing as a team                                       1     5     10
  17. We do not pre-judge one another                                   1     5     10
  18. We value differences                                                             1     5     10
  19. We seek clarity not rambling                                            1     5     10
  20. No one dominates discussion                                           1     5     10
  21. We share information related to our task                   1     5     10
  22. We avoid group think or giving in to appease           1     5     10
  23. We use “I” statements                                                         1     5     10
  24. We test assumptions before making decisions         1     5     10
  25. We practice courteous communication practices    1     5     10

Tally up your score.

Look over your responses carefully.  Which column has the most circles?  Which has the least?  What does this tell you about your group? What are some specific ways your group can improve?

Conclusion

Being part of a group should be a good experience.  We have simply too many demands on our time to waste in a group that is not effective. I encourage you to not accept an under performing group. After you have analysed the group’s life talk to others about whether they share your concerns. You are unlikely to be alone in your thoughts. Then work out together what can be done to address each of the low scores. You don’t have to fix them all at once – but do make a start.

10 Rights You Have In A Conflict

Christians can be too “nice” in a conflict

As a rule Christians don’t like to be assertive or to make problems for other people. Somehow Christians have got the message that the proper thing to do is to keep things peaceful.

Keeping the peace is not a Christian virtue. Bad people get away with bad behaviour because not enough people are prepared to resist what they do and say. Therefore, it is important to understand your rights when you are involved in a negative form of conflict. You don’t have to put up with bad behaviour – stand up for yourself!

Your Rights in a Conflict

Here are 10 things that you are entiteld to do or expect if you are in a conflict that has turned unhealthy.

1.  Say “no”

If you are being pushed around or are having demands put on you then refuse to go along with it. So, usually, bullies win because they manage to wear down the resistance of others. Refusing to accept the dictates of an aggressive opposite in an argument is the first right that you have. Saying “no” can put a spike in the wheels of runnaway aggression.

2.  Object to how you are treated

Don’t accept that the other person can control the way that things are going to be done. Be prepared to say that “this is not the way we do things around here.” Remind the person (and others) of the expectations that your community has about how people behave. If your group has a “Behavioural Covenant” or “Code of Conduct” now is the time to refer to it.

3.  Disagree

Be ready and willing to present an alternative case. The combative person is not the only one with good ideas. Trust your experience and wisdom. And be ready to share it with the wider group. Just because someone has a different opinion to you does not mean that you have to be silent.

4.  Speak up for yourself

When people move from a positive and constructive approach to conflict they can get domineering. So if a person is behaving like they are the only ones to listen to then it is time to speak up. Don’t wait for an opponent to ask what you think. They won’t because they don’t care what you think.

It is important to learn to be assertive and to step into the fray. Don’t wait for permission and don’t wait for other people to speak for you. Trust yourself and get into the debate.

5. Express affection

Just because other people want to put down their opponents and turn them into enemies it doesn’t mean that you have to be like that too. Loving one’s enemies is a Christian virtue. So make sure that you never lose sight of the humanity of the other person in the argument. Show them respect, consideration and concern for their needs. Showing affection can be a game changer for the mood of a meeting.

6.  Say “I am angry”

Owning emotions is honest and healthy. If emotions get buried because people do not think they should express anger, or other emotions, then they will pop up somewhere else.

You are allowed to be angry. Anger is a legitimate emotion and when properly expressed can help the person and the process in which they are engaged. Important to note is the value of using “I” statements. Saying “I am angry” is far more helpful than “You make me so angry”.

7.  Say “I am hurt”

At times people don’t realise the harm that their behviour or words are doing to other people. If no one tells them then it is easy for them to keep on doing the same thing.

Your feelings are important and you don’t have to put up with the hurt caused by the behaviour of others. Once again “I” statements are very powerful at these times.

8.  Risk being wrong

When we are in difficult situaitons it is possible that we have misunderstood someone. So at times we need to take the risk and check in with a person about whether we have heard them correctly. In a tense situation don’t get fooled into thinking that you are always in the right. Take the risk of getting good information by asking if you have correctly understood the other person.

9.  To apologize

It’s alright to admit that you have made a mistake and to apologize for it. Many a conflict continues because one or more of the parties lacks humility. You have the right to admit when you have made a mistake and to get things back on an even keel with an apology. You have the right to be hopeful that strained relationships can be repaired through a genuine apology.

10. Others?

What rights would you add to the list? Remember that the rights that you want for yourself are the rights that you also have to give to others.

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

 Conflict and Difficult People

Sometimes it is easy to think of anyone who gets in the way of our goals as a difficult person! However taking such a view is to see conflict / disagreement / encouragement to pay attention to other views as a negative experience. Here at makingchurchdecisions.com we consider conflict to be a place for growth. Meeting people with whom we disagree, or who are different from us, invites us to new learning and growth. Conflict is not a bad thing! Combat is optional.

However some negative experiences of conflict arise because we have to deal with difficult people. Difficult people are those who – for whatever reason – do not make a constructive contribution to resolving a conflict. The example might be people who are negative as attempts are made to work through a shared issue. Or it could be that they behave in a way that creates unnecessary tension or strains in relationships.

Examples of Difficult Behaviours

People who are stubborn and refuse to entertain any view but their own are a classic example of people who are difficult to deal with. They turn a healthy conflict into a combat zone. Such people range from those who refuse to take seriously an alternative point of view through to those who put down and belittle alternative opinions.

Still others insist on focusing on things that are irrelevant or minor in the scheme of the issue that is being discussed. We all know the people who want to get into minute detail on something when what is needed is to explore the big themes and grand vision.

Perhaps among the most difficult people are the straight out nasty ones! They use harsh words, put people down and speak in sterotypes. Through body language and tone they make it clear that they are in this fight to win it. Conflict for these people is always a blood sport.

It should be noted that these types of behaviour can show up and the person is not a “difficult person” by our definition. For example people can be negative and oppose things because they have a mental health problem, or are suffering from an illness like dementia, or perhaps transferring emotions from a place of personal pain, eg a deep grief. In these cases they are not being difficult people in order to win their argument. Rather they are outworking – in an unhealthy way – their own illness. We still need to deal with their difficult behaviour. However, it is worth trying to work out where the negative behaviour is coming from because it helps us choose the right intervention.

Options for responding

1.  Don’t react
This is easier said than done! Nevertheless one of the best things to do with difficult people is to suck the energy out of them. Negative people thrive on opposition – it feeds their aggression and makes them feel justified in attacking during a conflict.
Stay calm. That old advice about counting to 10 before you respond to a negative comment has a lot of merit. Process your emotions. Remember to talk slowly and reduce the volume if you hear yourself getting faster and louder
2.  Disarm your opponent
Remember that the comments of difficult people are their weapons – so decide how to take those weapons away. I have found that acknowledging the worthwhile points in an opponent’s argument can shift the tone of a conversation. If people don’t have to defend everything that they believe then it reduces the range of areas where there is contention.
Where people are nasty and agressive then a helpful, but challenging approach is offered by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: 17 – 20.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, … 20 On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

3.  Change the game by changing the frame
With difficult people this will require a different response depending on their behaviour. So, when someone is being argumentative and not wanting to hear another point of view it may be helpful to reframe the discussion. For example the discussion is about enlarging the meeting room next to the church office and buying new furniture to set it up. One person may be fixated on cost and arguing against luxurious furniture in the church. By inviting that person to talk about how hospitality is shown in their workplace or home, it may help to reframe the discussion away from money to being about how to be a welcoming community.
If the difficult people are being rude, disrespectful, etc in their attempt to get their way then they need to be confronted. It is not acceptable anywhere to denigrate and put people down in order to get your way. Therefore the reframe here is to call the person out and tell them that the behaviour is unacceptable. The new frame is what is an appropriate way for people to act. Don’t let people get away with bad behviour because they are allowed to continue to think that winning is all that matters!
4.  Make it easy to say “yes”
There are many ways that this can be done but the basic idea is to get a person to work constructively on a solution. By allowing people to remain outside the solution it gives them permission to keep sniping and complaining.
So, if a person continues to make the same repetitive speech about an issue say something like “it sounds like you care a lot about A, B or C.” “Would you like to be part of the solution to the issue that is before us ?” It is pretty easy to say “yes” in response to those invitations. The goal is to find places of partnership.
In the case of bad behaviour the aim of the words might be to help them see the harm that they are doing. It is important to be very careful here so that a person doesn’t say “no” out of ignorance or spite. So know the context and person very well. Some possibilites for comment include: “Have you noticed that people in the church don’t like spending time with you when you behave this way?” “Do you know that your behaviour is hurting people?”  “Do you want to find a solution to our problems?”
5.  Make it hard to say “no”
In some ways this is very similar to the previous point. Difficult people are often very negative in their mindset. They see problems where others see possibilities. The aim is to get difficult people to see the positive in a situation so that they might be drawn into constructive rather than destructive conversations.
Some things that might be said: “Do you care for our church?” Do you want us to find a solution to this issue?” “Can you offer us some constructive options that will meet the needs of as many people as possible?”

Conclusion

Difficult people turn up in lots of places. We can’t prevent that from happening. However we need not be their victims. Most people can take up the steps that are suggested here. Of course there will be some people who have been subject to put downs for so long that their self esteem is damaged and they cannot confront people who are abusive in their way of relating to others. However many people have options and don’t need to be paralysed by bad the behaviour of difficult people.

7 things that help meetings work well

Meetings need more than luck

If you want to get good decisions then you can’t just wing it. Preparation is critical. Planning for a meeting also means getting your mindset right. So think about how to embed high quality values into your meetings. Also think about the behviors that express these high quality values.

In this post you are invited to think about 7 values or commitments that help a meeting to work well. Then put in place practices that support those values.

How to use this worksheet

In the first column is a practice that will help your meetings work better. In the second column is an example, or two, of specific things that you can encourage in your people and meeting practices that bring that value to life.

In the third column you can write “yes” or “no” to indicate if you  encourage or do these things in your meetings. If you answer “no” then in the fourth column make a note of what you can do to support these actions / practices in your meetings.

Mettings Best Practice Worksheet

Best Practice Actions in support Yes/No What to do better
Address issues in a transparent and direct manner

 

 Invite people to talk about feelings and hopes

 

    
Focus on interests not positions  Ask what is really important    
Generate options for mutual gain Work for a win-win approach

Let people talk Think of ideas that benefit both

    
 Assure fair process Make sure everyone knows the rules    
Practice direct communication Talk with others, not about them

Use “I” & not “you” statements

Talk about feelings and what’s important to you

    
 Take a break If you get stuck put the business aside for a while

If emotions rise pause for prayer

    
 Work at relationships Apologize

Forgive

Try hard to understand the other’s point of view

    

Conclusion

Your attitude as a leader or group member is  essential for the success of your meetings. I encourage you to grow in your sensitivity to what makes for healthy meetings. This checklist (and I’m sure you can add more values) is one way to do this. When you have done the worksheet include it as part of your Council or Committee’s anual assessment of its performance as a decision-making group.

 

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.