Tag: conflict

10 Great Things About Conflict

Conflict – surely it’s not a good thing!?!

Contrary to what most people think: not all conflict is bad! Despite our tendency to want to run away from conflict when it is brewing, there are benefits to be realized by standing your ground and working through it. Congregations that avoid resolving conflict are like toddlers learning to crawl – at some point it’s much more fun to walk!

Evelyn Fisher, a Kansas clergywoman in the USA, taught me many things about dealing well with conflict in organizations. Here is a quick synopsis, in no particular order, of 10 of the benefits of conflict that I learned from Evelyn.

It helps us know others better

One of the important skills for engaging conflict well is the ability to set aside our own feelings and listen deeply to the other person. To be fully present. Whenever we able to do that well, we almost always learn something new about ourselves, other people and life’s challenges. When you short change the listening process, you rob people of the opportunity to deepen their relationships and understanding of each other.

It clears the air

There is little that is more uncomfortable in a congregation than conflict simmering just below the surface. You can feel it. Waiting almost never  makes disagreements go away. In fact, avoiding conflict can increase the pressure until there is an explosion of anger and distrust in the most inappropriate places. So don’t put off the inevitable! It is always better to address conflict before it becomes insurmountable.

It helps us know ourselves better

Addressing conflict productively requires us to examine our own heart, our own thinking, and our own feelings. All good things to do at any time in order to become self aware and mature. Conflict brings us to a place of choice. This is an excellent time to examine our values and perceptions to see if they are still relevant and meaningful.

It encourages creativity

Working through conflict requires groups to consider all the options that are available to them. Often the best solution is one that nobody thought of before. So by engaging conflict in a healthy way presents an opportunity to do your very best work as an organization. It helps you resolve a situation with strength and potential.

It frees energy

A great deal of emotional energy is consumed by keeping the lid on conflict so it doesn’t explode. When it is addressed in a timely manner energy is actually freed for more important things. Only then can you turn your sights on your very best work as a group.

It invites forgiveness

True forgiveness is a precious commodity in our world. It seems that people are growing increasingly uncivil. Working through conflict well gives us an opportunity to give and receive forgiveness. It allows us to draw closer together as a redemptive community of faith.

It develops clarity

Conflict often leads to confusion, and confusion leads to conflict. What would happen if you simply stopped avoiding the situation that is causing tension and dealt well with the conflict in your midst? What do you have to lose?

Engaging the conflict clarifies our thinking (both personally and corporately)

When faced with choices groups can come to a firm understanding about what is truly important to them. The learn why things matter to them. By working through a situation causing conflict with mutual respect, individuals and groups learn what they treasure.

It deepens relationships

We’ve talked about this before, but conflict can draw people closer together. The more we know one another and ourselves, the stronger the relationships become. If we focus on the problem and do not make people the issue, a community of faith can become stronger. Why? Because they can reaffirm the values and beliefs that formed the congregation in the first place.

It fosters humility

Sometimes we have to admit that we are wrong. It’s a good practice for Christians to apologize when they are wrong. Frankly, this seems to be a lost art in most congregations when someone can say: “I learned something I did not know and it has helped me change my mind on this matter!”

Dealing well with conflict is holy work

How we deal with conflict shows what we think about God and one another. If God is truly the perfecter and author of peace, then we should seek it with our whole being. Whenever we participate well in addressing conflict we become the peacemakers whom Jesus blessed and called his beloved.

Amen?  Amen!

Conflict is Your Friend

Conflict is your friend

How does growth happen in a person or organization? What makes learning and new insights possible? Something new shows up! When what we know is challenged by the new (conflict) we have the opportunity to grow as a person or an organization.

No one learns anything without being challenged to revisit what they already know or believe!! Into our life comes something that invites us to think of an alternative to our exisiting behaviour, knowledge, values, beliefs, etc. Two ideas trying to occupy the same space is a conflict. Conflict invites us into a new space. Therefore conflict is our friend because it makes growth possible.

Of course, we are talking about conflict that is handled well. When these contested spaces lead to unhealthy and negative reactions then harm is done. However when handled well conflict – in the sense of choices between different options – is an indispensable gift that makes imcreased maturity possible.

Healthy engagement builds trust and confidence

When people make their different points of view known they can do it in a way that is encouraging of discussion or in a way that is attacking. The latter approach generates negativity and breaks down relationships.
However when our different perspectives, knowledge and experience are shared in a humble and gentle way relationships are strengthened. By sharing important things – even different ones – people deepen their relationships.
By being able to work through our differences in ways that build up, and not pull down, we can learn to trust each other. We can believe that the other person wants the best for us and themselves. When we succeed in navigating significant differences we build confidence in our interpersonal skills and the quality of our relationships.

Relationship can be restored and strengthened

We all have times when we don’t welcome new ideas or the people who bring them! When handled badly conflict can break relationships. But what if you don’t let those bad feelings fester? Things can improve.
Don’t run away from the people with whom you have had a bad experience in conflict. If you possibly can, seek them out and try to start the conversation over. Don’t put the blame on them for the strain in the relationship. Own your part and let them decide what they will own up to. Use “I” statements so that you keep the focus on what you have seen, heard, said, felt, interpreted and done.
My experience is that when I do “the hard yards” in seeking to overcome a negative conflict then it makes the relationship better. There is something deeply satisfying and encouraging when we get over a bad experience of conflict. Such experiences give us confidence that if we can fix this then we can handle bigger issues too.

Issues are decisively resolved

One of the best things that you can do when you have a conflict is to admit that it exists. Ignoring conflicts never causes them to go away. Instead they undermine relationships and often lead to negativity.

When there are differences of opinion in a group get them out in the open. Help people to share their thoughts.  Create a safe space for talking together. Specifically invite people to share their ideas. Use processes that are respectful of all voices and give them a chance to be heard.

Once you know what the issues are then you can resolve them. A consensus building process is a great way to get all the ideas out there and to get to a resolution. No one likes problems that just keep hanging around! Name the differences, talk about them and work out a solution together.

New insights and discoveries made

Once again The Beatles got it right. They sang “Nothing you can know that isn’t known. Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.” (All You Need is Love, Yellow Submarine, 1969). Yep – we need people to share their knowledge and insights. Unless people do that then we live stunted, narrow and ineffective lives.

I can never understand churches that think they already know everything and refuse to listen to new ideas! Churches that stop hearing and engaging with new ideas will not gain new insights and discoveries. Any church that says that it has it all worked out is both arrogant and wrong. They condemn their church and members to living as stunted, narrow and ineffective disciples.

A group is energized

“Success breeds success” is an old and accurate saying. When individuals or groups get things done it encourages them to do it again. So when groups learn to cope with differences in a healthy way they are no longer worried about differences. Groups learn that new insights are creative, positive and make good decisions possible.
Groups are energised when conflict is handled well. This is in contrast with groups that are paralysed by conflict because it is such a painful experience. Give energy to your group by helping it to learn and appreciate different points of view and experiences.

People are engaged

A key reason that people behave badly in conflict situations is so that they can get their way. People frighten, bully and belittle opponents to silence them. When people are intimidated in a conflict they withdraw and stay on the sidelines. They are not engaged.

However if you create a positive culture about how to handle differences among people then everyone stays in the conversation. Then people become excited about the new possibilities, or what they are learning from others.

A powerful witness is given

Sadly we live in a world where negative conflict (combat) is the norm. Our societies are at risk of fracturing as groups move into armed camps and enclaves. Our world needs the church to witness to another way of being in community at the points of our disagreement.

The heart of the gospel is the reconcilliation of the whole of creation to God and to one another. What a wonderful hope to offer a world where the different are demonized and attacked!! Christians have an amazing opportunity to point to another way of dealing with difference. It is a way that shows respect, care and openness to the other. Sadly too many churches are caught up in the culture of our times and attack those who are different. My encouragement to you is to see the way that you handle conflict as, probably, the most evangelical act that you can engage in at this time.

Conclusion

Conflict is like fire. It is both dangerous and comforting. It is life threatening and life enriching. Like fire, handled well, conflict makes our life so much better.

8 Steps to Turn Differences into Opportunities

Differences – threat or opportunity?

Differences consume us. The media concentrates on the differences between communities. Differences are presented as reasons for fear and violence. Sadly churches have become consumed by their differences. Many members often do not recognise each other as sisters and brothers in Christ.

Turning differences into opportunities is the subtitle of a classic book by world renowned mediator Mark Gerzon. His 2006 book Leading Through Conflict: how successful leaders transform differences into opportunities remains an essential book for those who abhor conflict in the church.

Fear or Hope – what shapes your leadership?

Gerzon calls leaders out for their lack of courage and unwillingness to overcome conflict in their organizations. Effective leaders bring people together, he says. Frightened leaders or survival oriented managers (and Ministers) freeze in the headlights of conflict and betray the people and organizations that they are called to serve.

Alternatively, hope believes that a better future is possible. The Gospel is about the reign of God bringing peace and reconciliation for the whole of creation. Do Ministers / Pastors / Priests and other leaders in the church believe enough if the reconciling work of Jesus Christ to hope in the face of conflict? Is your God big enough to overcome the intractable differences in your church?

8 powerful tools

Gerzon offers eight effective tools for people who want to move from being local dictators and everyday managers to being effective mediators of peace and wholeness.

  1. Integral vision – acknowledging all sides of the conflict
  2. Systems thinking – understanding the connection between the factors that contribute to a conflict
  3. Presence – using all your emotional, spiritual, and mental resources to understand the nature of the dispute
  4. Inquiry – asking the right questions to get all the relevant information
  5. Conscious communication – making good choices about how you communicate during a conflict
  6. Dialogue – inspire people’s ability to work through the conflict
  7. Bridging – build partnerships that cross the borders that divide
  8. Innovation – foster breakthrough ideas and new options for resolving differences

Conclusion

Differences are always with us. Differences are not inherently bad. When we discover that there are differences between us and others a whole new world of possibilities opens up before us.

Navigating our differences together as a group is one of the ways that God leads the church into a more faithful place. However when differences have become personalised and deeply conflicted it is very much harder to realise those opportunities. That’s when expert guidance – and a lot of faith – come.

In later posts I will unpack more of Gerzon’s work from Leading Through Conflict or you can buy it here. I have drawn on his book The Re-United States of America in earlier posts such as Enough! It’s time to show some courage and Finding a Creative Solution to Conflict 

12 ways to break an impasse in your group

What’s an Impasse?

 

An impasse can prevent your leaders from making an important decision in a timely way. Therefore being frozen – stuck in an impasse – can be detrimental to the very future of your organization.

In preparation for discerning the matter, presentations have been made outlining the situation and proposing a specific direction forward. Just when you think your organization is ready to decide the issue, the unfortunate occurs:  an impasse is reached. Another option has gathered support and the group is now split between the choices.  We call this situation an impasse.

An impasse is when there are two or more choices on the table and people are unable to choose one.  Yogi Bera once said when you come to a fork in the road:  take it.  This is disastrous advice!

Impasses can paralyze a group and prevent them from making decisions in a timely manner.  Sometimes this happens because two different options seem equally good.  An impasse may also occur because people have lobbied for support outside the meeting and people feel a sense of loyalty to key leaders and their ideas.  Miscommunication can also result in an impasse. When people are stuck and unable to embrace change, an impasse seems like standing still in a fork in the road.

Nevertheless, a decision is not going to be made unless you deal with the issues and feelings causing the impasse.

Basic Steps Forward

Here is a list of specific things that you can do to help your group move beyond an impasse to make a good decision.  Consider these steps the next time you find yourself in your organizational “fork in the road”:

  1. Break the key issue down into smaller parts. Flag the most difficult matters and reserve them for later.
  2. Ask the parties to share why a specific alternative is unacceptable to them.  Draw the conversation to the big picture – the goals and away from the detail – strategy / methods. Then, ask people what they like about an idea before them.
  3. Look for creative options that may arise. When people focus on a goal they can see many ways to achieve them. Creative ideas come from looking first at the main goal.
  4. Listen carefully for assumptions not based on fact and point them out.
  5. Once ideas and accurate information are out in the open be prepared to take a break. Ask the parties to use the break to think about the various alternatives presented.
  6. Reconvene and review the parties’ priorities and common interests. List them on newsprint for the group to refer to as they make their final decision.
  7. Recognising common ground really helps bring people together when they might otherwise see each other as opponents.
  8. Encourage the parties to recognize and acknowledge each other’s points of view.
  9. Ask the parties for their help to move forward. What would make it possible for them to make a decision? What are they willing to give up for the good of the entire community?  Look at the impact of various solutions on all involved.
  10. Ask the parties to indicate what would change or happen if they reached a solution.  This is an opportunity for people to share their feelings.  Make sure this is a safe experience. Encourage people to use “I” statements and be respectful.
  11. In serious stalemates, offer the parties mediation, as opposed to letting the conflict fester and grow.  Use a trained facilitator.  Help people to not take the matter personally.
  12. Choose a way forward.  Be sure to thank people for their hard work and diligence.  Let them know that they have modeled the very best witness to others in facing their differences.

What to do when you break an impasse?

Remember that there are people who are affected by the decision that did not make it. So make sure that you promptly, clearly and pastorally communicate the decision to the wider community. Be quick and try to keep ahead of the rumour mill!

Not everyone who was stuck in the impasse has had the benefit of the process that made it possible for others to move. Think about how it is possible to share that journey with others. This can make  it possible for them to take the emotional and intellectual steps through the impasse.

Celebrate. People have worked hard, respected their community and sought to be faithful. Give thanks.

Conclusion

An impasse does not have to divide your faith community!  With proper leadership and a clear process, it can be a situation that reminds your group of their values and help them reclaim them. Groups can emerge from an impasse stronger and in the future be better equiped to make good decisions in a timely manner.

Ways to Respond to the Warning Signs of Conflict

Navigating Conflict

In the last two posts @makingchurchdecisions.com explained the 12 warning signs that indicate conflict is brewing in your congregation.  This post will share practical ideas for effectively dealing with these indications of conflict.

Have you ever been in a deep fog when driving a car or navigating a boat? This deep mist makes it hard to get from A – B because it limits your sight. Deep conflict can be just as devastating to an organization if you do not learn how to navigate through it successfully.

Here are some practical ideas to move you though the mist to accomplish your God-given mission.

Specific Ideas for Each Conflict Warning Sign

 1.  No clear group purpose or vision
  • Hold a Vision Retreat for Church Leaders and Members to discern their future together.  Specifically, see if you can write the purpose of the church in one sentence and plan events and activities for the coming year that accomplish it.
  • Design a phrase that defines why your congregation exists and post it in a significant place for all to see.  Post it on your web site, newsletter and any other media you use to communicate with others about your church
  • Preach on Matthew 28 and share the mission that all Christian disciples receive from Christ.  If possible, put faces on the people that you teach and baptize so members can appreciate that they are engaged in God’s mission.
2.  Tradition becomes primary; change avoided
  • Add one new activity to your Christmas celebrations that reach new people during the season.  Perhaps instead of holding a traditional “Hanging of the Greens” or Advent Story Festival, consider holding a “Living Nativity” one evening where members dress up in character at various stations telling the story of the coming and birth of Christ.  Some congregations do this in a public place where the whole community can witness the story.  For fun, add live animals and music.
  • Hold an evaluation meeting on how your church leaders do things throughout the year.  For each ministry ask:
    • Who are we trying to reach by this activity or event? What do we know about this age today?
    • How well are we doing it? (numbers reached, etc.)
    • What can we do differently to be more effective?
3.  Major decisions are put off or always under consideration
  • Have a list of items under consideration that have yet to be resolved. Decide that they must be decided in 3 months or they are removed from the list.
  • Spend more time in the “Information Sharing” phase of your church decision meetings.  Clearly present what is under consideration, why is the situation is important to the congregation and why a decision must be made.
  • Stop the “Parking Lot” meetings that occur after the church leadership meeting adjorns.  Simply refuse to change to the decisions made by a few individuals after leaders deliberate and make a decision together.
  • Invite people to come to meetings prepared to make a decision.  Be sure they have the notice of the meeting in advance.  Hand out the Agenda and related materials or information 2 weeks in advance.
  • Use a consensus building decision making process (see our book: “The Church Guide For Making Decisions Together” (Abingdon, 2017)  for the specific steps of this process.  This method engages everyone to participate and generate creative options.
4.  Frequent leadership turnover
  • Hold a Ministry Fair/Reception near All Saints day or Pentecost each year. Have leaders responsible for the specific ministry they lead prepare a presentation area that outlines what their area covers, what it does, and what they have accomplished during the year. It could be presented as part of the worship or adult ministry activity on Sunday.
  • Recognize leaders for their accomplishments and spirit. Some churches do this during the offering one Sunday a month by recognizing different people in the congregation who exemplify a generous of spirit for the time and energy they share generously with the church. Other churches hold a Leadership Appreciation Day once a year.
5.  People are content to sit back and criticize
  • During Lent, give up whining in the church.  Make it interesting.  Collect a dollar from anyone who criticizes another.  Give the collected funds to a mission project.
  • Hold a class on Spiritual Gifts and encourage adults to participate.  This series should include a Bible Study on the gifts, provide an inventory for people to identify their gifts, and show how each of these gifts are all necessary in the live of the congregation.
6.  People leave meetings (and worship) quickly
  • Have a short reception before meetings with cheese and fruit or a simple dessert.  Allow this time to be a quick check-in with one another.
  • Have a Fellowship Time after Worship hosted by various members of the congregation.  Be sure the beverage is really tasty. This can also be a time to hand out meeting notices and agendas as well as provide a time to be present to answer questions people may have about an upcoming event.
7.  Leaders compete with one another and act uncivil to each other
  • Offer a Team Building training for church leaders
  • Preach a 3 part series on being on God’s team using Ephesians 4
8.  Differences lead to withdrawal
  • Arrange visitation for members who stop coming to worship or attending meetings as soon as you noice their absence.  This should be done within 2 weeks by a home visit, telephone call or email.  Let them know that they are missed.  Enquire if there is a reason you should know about.
  • Be vigilent to skirmishes that break out over a difference of opinion.  When possible, intervene. Thank both parties for their commitment to the church and invite them to pray about the matter which will be added to the next church meeting.
  • Remind people:  “All can have their say, but not all will have their way.”  Invite people to be open to discerning God’s will and learning to comproise.
9.  Little laughter is heard
  • Teach people to be hard on issues and soft on one another
  • Establish a Behavioral Guideline / Covenant. Include the task of not taking oneself too seriously yet taking Christ’s guidance very seriously.
  • Model being relaxed and even laughing at oneself when a genuine opportunity presents itself.
  • Teach a class on the humor of Christ or the funny things in the Bible that were said for effect or to demonstrate the awesome power of God.  (i.e.  Sarah laughing when she heard she would bear a son in her advanced years.)
10.  Giving is more a chore than a joy
  • Have mission moments during the Sunday Service that share specifically what finds go toward in the church that are transforming people’s lives. If possible, have the people involved share their story and thank the church members.
  • Hold a Stewardship Campaign – this helps you be realistic in what finds you can expect from members and adjust the budget to respect giving.
  • Limit fundraisers.  Some churches have one event after the other just to pay the bills.  This can be exhausting.  While some of these events are vital, they also demonstrate a deeper problem in the church.  Identify why the church cannot pay it’s bills and make adjustments or hold a meeting to discuss other options.
11.  Pastor/Judicatory Leader spends valuable time calming people
  • Clarify the Pastor’s Job.  The Staff-Parish Committee (or pertinent group in your church that handles staff issues), should meet and review, or write, the Pastor’s Job description if one does not exist.  Church leaders should then review and approve it.  Finally, share it with the congregation.  (Obviously, do not include a line about keeping everyone happy.)
  • Learn how to deal with your level of conflict that usually blames the pastor.  Bring in a neutral person to assess your level of conflict, and recommend steps you can take to de-escalate the situation and lessen stress.
  • Make it a last resort to call in a judicatory leader to be ‘judge and jury’.  Only invite them in to teach you how to learn ways to make better decisions, respect each another as Christians, and hear about new ways to be effective in ministry.
12.  Called meetings poorly attended (or packed)
  • Have an Agenda for every meeting that lists vital tasks.  Never meet simply to meet.
  • Rather than have “run-on” discussions which drain people, use process tools to gain full participation.  These may include a SWOT analysis (which measures your Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats), or an APA Chart (which lists what you must Achieve, Preserve or Avoid in order to be a faithful church).  You can find more activities in organizational resources, in our book  or on-line.

Summary

The best way to use these practical ideas for diffusing the early warning signs of conflict, is to form a small team of 3-4 people to work with you.  First, identify the warning sign you notice most in your congregation now.  Next, work together to select an idea most suited for your group and put it into practice.  Finally, evaluate how the situation is going.  After a set time, do you notice a difference in your congregation or organization?

Conflict often exhibits several warning signs at the same time, so repeat this process as needed.  Remember these are merely early warning signs of conflict.  For more serious realities like people fighting or calling one another names, people taking sides, etc.  you will need to address the level of conflict appropriately.

For more information on the levels of conflict, read Chapter 2 of our book, or review the articles archived on the subject.

Blessings!