Tag: conflict

12 Early Warning Signs of Conflict (# 2)

In the last post we shared six warning signs about conflict. So that you can properly assess your situation here are another six warning signs that there is conflict in your group.

More Warning Signs of Conflict

7.  Leaders compete with one another and act uncivil to each other

You know that you are in a difficult position when leaders compete with one another for time and funding. Instead you would rather see collaboration with each other to ensure that both side’s needs are being met.  It is never wise to tolerate people making nasty comments to one another or  belittling one another.  Do your leaders sense that they are on the same team or is each one in it for themselves?

8.  Differences lead to withdrawal

As you look out over your congregation when they worship, or at participants in meetings do you notice people missing who once were active?  Often, people withdraw from regular activity when they sense that trouble is around.  There are a lot of people that would rather flee than fight. In your organization are matters dealt with in a timely manner or are they allowed to fester – which leads to people staying away?

9.  Little laughter is heard

This is perhaps one of the easiest warning signs to notice, yet one of the hardest to effectively deal with.  Have you noticed an absence of laughter and good-natured fun in your congregation?  Do people have the ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously?  Is there a good spirit that becomes obvious in tough times? Or, do people tend to take things too seriously all of the time and miss the moving of the spirit creating new windows to experience God’s love?

10.  Giving is more a chore than a joy

This is a sign that probably was on your own list of warning signs.  When financial giving is down, it is hard to make your expenses. You notice people get nervous during these times wondering how they are going to pay the bills. Unless there has been a catastrophic event in your community like the closing of a factory, or business that employs members of your church, the odds are high that members are withdrawing their support for a reason. Discovering that reason is a significant step in turning around the situation.

11.  Pastor/Judicatory Leader spends valuable time calming people

I have noticed over the years that as colleagues share with me the story of their call to ministry they never say: “I’m in ministry to keep people happy!”  Have you noticed the same thing?  It is not the job of the pastor or judicatory leader to constantly smooth the waters so people can remain calm and not face reality.

When my son was a teenager he would freguently say:  “I’m bored” or “I’m not happy.”  I learned to respond:  “What are you going to do about that?”  or “How can I help you deal with those feelings?”  Most often it was simply a matter of listening to him blow off steam in order to refocus or discover new options.  When church leaders in authority feel that it is their job to keep the peace (rather than make it), everyone suffers.  How well do you allow people to express their feelings?  Are you able to give the work back to people who complain so that they can be part of the solution rather than become a problem?

Christopher Columbus had three ships as he sailed to the new world.  His flagship was the Santa Maria.  When he reached what we now know was the Caribbean, he noticed that the Pinta was always falling behind for one reason after another rather than sailing with the other ships.  This slowed everyone down.  As his patience was exhausted he told the smaller ship’s crew that the other ships were sailing west in the morning.  When they set out the next day where was the Pinta? Right behind them! Lesson: keep your eye on where your organization must go in order to stay a float.  Allow others the chance to join you solving problems.

12.  Called meetings poorly attended (or packed)

This warning sign can go either way and still point to a larger problem: do people feel that their participation is essential to the wider organization?

I remember one church that I joined that was faced with a dilemma. Leaders said that they wanted to grow numerically and welcome younger people with children.  With hard work, we accomplished that goal. Suddenly it became clear to people that this growth was necessitating changes.  There was now a need for a nursery. This meant that an adult class would have to relocate to the Sanctuary for Bible Study on Sunday mornings.

Further, the Sanctuary was becoming too crowded during Worship and (dare I say it?) newcomers were sitting in seats usually occupied by older members.  The Pastor called a Worship Committee meeting to discuss the matter.  Only 2 people attended.  After coaching him to deal with the situation, he held a church-wide meeting to discuss the matter. 15 minutes before the meeting a line was forming around the building!  50 people were engaged in what was happening.  It took us one hour to complete a SWOT diagram together listing the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats that the new growth was causing.  The meeting decided that we would start a second worship service within the month. We also agreed to work hard at fellowship opportunities to create spaces for people to get to know one another and be a congregation in 2 worship services. It worked!

What happens when you call a meeting to discuss a situation your congregation faces?  Do people have a sense that their participation is important?  Do they have a belief that they will all get to have a say, but not all will have their way?

Conclusion

There are 12 warning signs that conflict may be present in your church. Knowing these signs and effectively dealing with them can save your church energy and time.  Bottom line: when these warning signs are present do something!!

In our next post I will share some options for how you might respond if you see these signs.

10 Rights You Have In A Conflict

Christians can be too “nice” in a conflict

As a rule Christians don’t like to be assertive or to make problems for other people. Somehow Christians have got the message that the proper thing to do is to keep things peaceful.

Keeping the peace is not a Christian virtue. Bad people get away with bad behaviour because not enough people are prepared to resist what they do and say. Therefore, it is important to understand your rights when you are involved in a negative form of conflict. You don’t have to put up with bad behaviour – stand up for yourself!

Your Rights in a Conflict

Here are 10 things that you are entiteld to do or expect if you are in a conflict that has turned unhealthy.

1.  Say “no”

If you are being pushed around or are having demands put on you then refuse to go along with it. So, usually, bullies win because they manage to wear down the resistance of others. Refusing to accept the dictates of an aggressive opposite in an argument is the first right that you have. Saying “no” can put a spike in the wheels of runnaway aggression.

2.  Object to how you are treated

Don’t accept that the other person can control the way that things are going to be done. Be prepared to say that “this is not the way we do things around here.” Remind the person (and others) of the expectations that your community has about how people behave. If your group has a “Behavioural Covenant” or “Code of Conduct” now is the time to refer to it.

3.  Disagree

Be ready and willing to present an alternative case. The combative person is not the only one with good ideas. Trust your experience and wisdom. And be ready to share it with the wider group. Just because someone has a different opinion to you does not mean that you have to be silent.

4.  Speak up for yourself

When people move from a positive and constructive approach to conflict they can get domineering. So if a person is behaving like they are the only ones to listen to then it is time to speak up. Don’t wait for an opponent to ask what you think. They won’t because they don’t care what you think.

It is important to learn to be assertive and to step into the fray. Don’t wait for permission and don’t wait for other people to speak for you. Trust yourself and get into the debate.

5. Express affection

Just because other people want to put down their opponents and turn them into enemies it doesn’t mean that you have to be like that too. Loving one’s enemies is a Christian virtue. So make sure that you never lose sight of the humanity of the other person in the argument. Show them respect, consideration and concern for their needs. Showing affection can be a game changer for the mood of a meeting.

6.  Say “I am angry”

Owning emotions is honest and healthy. If emotions get buried because people do not think they should express anger, or other emotions, then they will pop up somewhere else.

You are allowed to be angry. Anger is a legitimate emotion and when properly expressed can help the person and the process in which they are engaged. Important to note is the value of using “I” statements. Saying “I am angry” is far more helpful than “You make me so angry”.

7.  Say “I am hurt”

At times people don’t realise the harm that their behviour or words are doing to other people. If no one tells them then it is easy for them to keep on doing the same thing.

Your feelings are important and you don’t have to put up with the hurt caused by the behaviour of others. Once again “I” statements are very powerful at these times.

8.  Risk being wrong

When we are in difficult situaitons it is possible that we have misunderstood someone. So at times we need to take the risk and check in with a person about whether we have heard them correctly. In a tense situation don’t get fooled into thinking that you are always in the right. Take the risk of getting good information by asking if you have correctly understood the other person.

9.  To apologize

It’s alright to admit that you have made a mistake and to apologize for it. Many a conflict continues because one or more of the parties lacks humility. You have the right to admit when you have made a mistake and to get things back on an even keel with an apology. You have the right to be hopeful that strained relationships can be repaired through a genuine apology.

10. Others?

What rights would you add to the list? Remember that the rights that you want for yourself are the rights that you also have to give to others.

Conflict – Dealing with Difficult People

 Conflict and Difficult People

Sometimes it is easy to think of anyone who gets in the way of our goals as a difficult person! However taking such a view is to see conflict / disagreement / encouragement to pay attention to other views as a negative experience. Here at makingchurchdecisions.com we consider conflict to be a place for growth. Meeting people with whom we disagree, or who are different from us, invites us to new learning and growth. Conflict is not a bad thing! Combat is optional.

However some negative experiences of conflict arise because we have to deal with difficult people. Difficult people are those who – for whatever reason – do not make a constructive contribution to resolving a conflict. The example might be people who are negative as attempts are made to work through a shared issue. Or it could be that they behave in a way that creates unnecessary tension or strains in relationships.

Examples of Difficult Behaviours

People who are stubborn and refuse to entertain any view but their own are a classic example of people who are difficult to deal with. They turn a healthy conflict into a combat zone. Such people range from those who refuse to take seriously an alternative point of view through to those who put down and belittle alternative opinions.

Still others insist on focusing on things that are irrelevant or minor in the scheme of the issue that is being discussed. We all know the people who want to get into minute detail on something when what is needed is to explore the big themes and grand vision.

Perhaps among the most difficult people are the straight out nasty ones! They use harsh words, put people down and speak in sterotypes. Through body language and tone they make it clear that they are in this fight to win it. Conflict for these people is always a blood sport.

It should be noted that these types of behaviour can show up and the person is not a “difficult person” by our definition. For example people can be negative and oppose things because they have a mental health problem, or are suffering from an illness like dementia, or perhaps transferring emotions from a place of personal pain, eg a deep grief. In these cases they are not being difficult people in order to win their argument. Rather they are outworking – in an unhealthy way – their own illness. We still need to deal with their difficult behaviour. However, it is worth trying to work out where the negative behaviour is coming from because it helps us choose the right intervention.

Options for responding

1.  Don’t react
This is easier said than done! Nevertheless one of the best things to do with difficult people is to suck the energy out of them. Negative people thrive on opposition – it feeds their aggression and makes them feel justified in attacking during a conflict.
Stay calm. That old advice about counting to 10 before you respond to a negative comment has a lot of merit. Process your emotions. Remember to talk slowly and reduce the volume if you hear yourself getting faster and louder
2.  Disarm your opponent
Remember that the comments of difficult people are their weapons – so decide how to take those weapons away. I have found that acknowledging the worthwhile points in an opponent’s argument can shift the tone of a conversation. If people don’t have to defend everything that they believe then it reduces the range of areas where there is contention.
Where people are nasty and agressive then a helpful, but challenging approach is offered by the Apostle Paul in Romans 12: 17 – 20.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, … 20 On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

3.  Change the game by changing the frame
With difficult people this will require a different response depending on their behaviour. So, when someone is being argumentative and not wanting to hear another point of view it may be helpful to reframe the discussion. For example the discussion is about enlarging the meeting room next to the church office and buying new furniture to set it up. One person may be fixated on cost and arguing against luxurious furniture in the church. By inviting that person to talk about how hospitality is shown in their workplace or home, it may help to reframe the discussion away from money to being about how to be a welcoming community.
If the difficult people are being rude, disrespectful, etc in their attempt to get their way then they need to be confronted. It is not acceptable anywhere to denigrate and put people down in order to get your way. Therefore the reframe here is to call the person out and tell them that the behaviour is unacceptable. The new frame is what is an appropriate way for people to act. Don’t let people get away with bad behviour because they are allowed to continue to think that winning is all that matters!
4.  Make it easy to say “yes”
There are many ways that this can be done but the basic idea is to get a person to work constructively on a solution. By allowing people to remain outside the solution it gives them permission to keep sniping and complaining.
So, if a person continues to make the same repetitive speech about an issue say something like “it sounds like you care a lot about A, B or C.” “Would you like to be part of the solution to the issue that is before us ?” It is pretty easy to say “yes” in response to those invitations. The goal is to find places of partnership.
In the case of bad behaviour the aim of the words might be to help them see the harm that they are doing. It is important to be very careful here so that a person doesn’t say “no” out of ignorance or spite. So know the context and person very well. Some possibilites for comment include: “Have you noticed that people in the church don’t like spending time with you when you behave this way?” “Do you know that your behaviour is hurting people?”  “Do you want to find a solution to our problems?”
5.  Make it hard to say “no”
In some ways this is very similar to the previous point. Difficult people are often very negative in their mindset. They see problems where others see possibilities. The aim is to get difficult people to see the positive in a situation so that they might be drawn into constructive rather than destructive conversations.
Some things that might be said: “Do you care for our church?” Do you want us to find a solution to this issue?” “Can you offer us some constructive options that will meet the needs of as many people as possible?”

Conclusion

Difficult people turn up in lots of places. We can’t prevent that from happening. However we need not be their victims. Most people can take up the steps that are suggested here. Of course there will be some people who have been subject to put downs for so long that their self esteem is damaged and they cannot confront people who are abusive in their way of relating to others. However many people have options and don’t need to be paralysed by bad the behaviour of difficult people.

Accidental Offensiveness?

“Accidental offensiveness” is when someone causes harm to another person without intent. If there is such a thing – what can be done about it?Last year I wrote a post that explored why offensive behaviour is not noticed by the perpetrator. The blog title is Abuse in the Church – are we desensitized? This post has some common ground with the earlier post.

Offensive Behaviour in the Church

Words and actions can often offend people and cause the recipients deep distress. At the same time the perpetrator does not even notice. Or if they notice they can be shocked because “I am not that kind of person”. It is also common to blame the victim for being over sensitive, misunderstanding or being thin skinned. However, what constitutes offensiveness is not the decision of the person who causes the offence.

My observation is that many times in the church people make excuses for themselves when they do relational harm through their bad behaviour. Christians think of themselves as nice people with good motives. So, if the motives are good then they have done nothing wrong. Hurt, offense, broken relations are an accident. It’s accidental offensiveness. And so the idea is that the perpetrator is faultless and doesn’t owe anyone an apology.

Don’t Blame the Victim!

My behaviour – words or actions – can cause harm. If so then it isn’t good enough to say things like “I am sorry that you were hurt by my actions.” That is not an apology! This is a regret – genuine perhaps – but it goes nowhere near close to a genuine Christian act of confession.

By turning the attention to the response of the hurt person the discussion becomes about them. It’s seen as their problem. “They should learn to toughen up.” “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.” “Some people are such wimps.” I am sure you have heard these and more.

It is not the responsibility of others to learn to cope with our accidental offensiveness. Mature adults own the consequences of their behaviour and make adjustments to their actions. Offensiveness – behaviour that causes offense to another – is owned by the doer not the receiver of the behaviour!

How do people change?

Last week I read a very powerful personal piece in The Huffington Post by Alexander Johnstone. It’s title was: As A Man Who Respects Women, I Thought I’d Never Crossed A Line. I Was Wrong. In the article he talks of the horrifying discovery that he inadvertently sexually harassed and hurt women. Most importantly he spoke about what it meant to him and what he did about it.

What to do about “accidental offensiveness”

First and foremost it is essential to take responsibility for one’s own actions. Only by holding the blame to oneself is it possible change. Learning comes when we acknowledge the need to grow.

Secondly, find teachers who will help remove the blind spots that we have about our behaviour. The best teachers we can listen to are those whom we have hurt. Rather than blame them ask their help to better understand what has happened and why it was hurtful.

Be open to learning opportunities. So, if you accidentally offend someone and you pick up something in their reply, body language, tone of voice, or a change of subject – then ask them what has happened to cause this. But be ready because it could really hurt you when you hear what they have to say!

Toughen up – spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. If you do this then  when you get negative feedback you are in a better position to receive it without getting defensive. Grow yourself as a disciple and as a person so that you can be involved in hard conversations about your behaviour – even when it does hurt.

There is a scene from the movie Lawrence of Arabia  when Lawrence (played by Peter O’Toole) holds his hand over a candle flame for many seconds. One of his companions does the same and within a second pulls his hand away and shouts “Blimey that hurts!” Lawrence replies “Of course it hurts. The trick is to not mind that it hurts!” Growing as a person and learning how to be sensitive to others can be a painful experience. But learn that the trick is not to mind that it hurts – because there is a more important goal than protecting yourself.

Get a mentor, Supervisor (in the sense of a professional supervisor), coach or somebody with whom you reflect on your behaviour in these sorts of situations. We don’t know what we don’t know. So get help and don’t wait until you cripple someone’s life before you decide to learn.

Finally, if you see someone being “accidentally offensive” call them out on it. Challenge them to see what they have done and to take responsibility. As Christians we have a responsibility to encourage each other in faithfully following Jesus.

Conclusion

People who do not even realize what they are doing  often cause a great deal of the  hurt to people and relationships in the church. Every one of us does it. Are you willing to take responsibility and become sensitive to your offensive behaviour and then apologize, learn and grow?

Bullying At Church – Why?

Bullying at church?

Do you mean that it is possible to find bullying in a local congregation? Yep! How is that possible?!?

Sadly anyone who has been around more than a few churches knows that these opening sentences are being sarcastic. It is so sad – but also so common – that there is often the experience of bullying in a lot of local churches.

Some experiences of bullying that I have had

  1. As a guest preacher in an urban congregation, I encountered a bully. Before the service began I was quickly warned that a man, who had recently lost his wife, tended to be “obnoxious” and disruptive during worship. I wondered what they meant but there was no time for further conversation. During the sermon, I was becoming increasingly distracted by the behavior of the man sitting by himself in the 5th-row center. He was heckling me with a steady stream of belittling remarks and challenging what I was saying. Members of the congregation were embarrassed and not making eye contact. Finally, I had enough.
  2. A church in Nebraska was trying to figure out what to do about a man who was a very powerful banker in town who was abusing his power. Unfortunately, he said demeaning things to people when they arrived for worship and tended to ‘hold court’ in the Finance Committee to get his way.  Membership was decreasing and the Finance Committee was poorly attended.
  3. A middle-sized congregation had a bully that was controlling every aspect of the church’s ministry. Over 4 years,  she had fought with practically every leader in the church and won. Pastors came and went frequently in exasperation. Unfortunately, so did members. Finally, they were down to 18 members.

Who gets bullied?

People at risk of bullying are often creative indiviudals, newcomers, or people who are different (e.g. age, race or culture). These are usually the people with less power in the system. Bullies tend to go after people who they consider to be weaker. Bullies usually don’t take on strong people who will push back.

When people are victims of bullying they can become depressed, scared, or less innovative. Attendance and participation always suffer. This suits bullies. Their power has been confirmed as they see people succumb to the pressure that they create.

People who are relatively powerless in a local church and / or who confirm the power of a bully by demonstrating their hurt are most likely to be bullied.

Why does bullying happen?

Of course we believe that the church is supposed to be a healthy gathering of growing disciples who care deeply for the welfare of each other. Such a community, we hope and expect, when it experiences conflict or tensions resolves them with respect and care.

But the church is also a gathering of human beings who make mistakes or behave inapproproately at times. Bullying happens because Christians continue to exhibit behavior that owes more to their upbringing that the work of the Holy Spirit. One reason that bullying happens is that it is in the nature of some people to do whatever it takes to get their way. It’s human nature to like having power!

Sometimes bullying happens because we believe in being loving and accepting people no matter what. So we tolerate bad behavior because we want to be nice to everyone. Other organizations often have less trouble expecting good behavior because they are not a bunch of softies who don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. It happens because we don’t want to hurt a person. But we don’t seem to care so much about the people they hurt.

Most Christians are very committed to Christ and the church. They want to see the mission flourish. When people are passionate about something they can often get very assertive and stop listening to the views of others. Then when this attitude spirals out of control they begin to use any means to support their opinions. Bullying is often the result of being over zealous and arrogant.

Most people don’t like conflict. Among Christians,  I think the percentage who avoid conflict is higher than the general population. So people do not confront a bully because they don’t like conflict. They just put up with it. Bullying can continue when there is not enough courage to address it.

I am sure that you can think of some other reasons for bullying from your own experience!

What can be done to address bullying?

1. From the preaching story

Finally, I had enough.  Leaving the pulpit I went and stood right in front of him and asked: “You miss her don’t you?” He teared up and said in a small voice: “Yes.” “So do the members of this church,” I reminded him. “You must stop this disruptive behavior and let us know how we can best support you in your grief. Know this: we will not tolerate your behavior any longer. Let’s talk about this after church cause I’m kind of busy right now, ok?” He agreed. We did. The behavior stopped.

By understanding the reason for bullying it was possible to address the cause and find a cure. It can be very important to stop the signs/practices of bullying. However to change the person you need to look deeper into why that behaviour is happening. That’s how to make real change.

2. From the Nebraska story

Finally, the District Superintendent (a Judicatory leader) intervened at the invitation of the Pastor and invited the man to her office to talk. She explained that his behavior was unacceptable .  Further, she stated that he was bullying the congregation which must stop immediately. He disagreed and talked about how he was trying to save the church. Because of his inability to take responsibility for his actions, he was removed from leadership for 3 years. During this time he was encouraged to grow in his discipleship. He was notified in writing that if his aggressive behavior did not stop, he would also be removed permanently from membership. He finally agreed to the consequences. Today he is a wonderful member of the congregation and serves with purpose on the Worship committee.

Holding a person accountable for their behavior is the baseline step for dealing with a bully. Don’t accept excuses for the bad behavior. Insist that people show the proper standards. Then if people resist the standards, make  it clear – with sanctions if necessary – that this just can’t go on. Churches need to know what is right, teach about it and hold people to account.

3. From the mid size congregation story

Sadly, not every story involving a bully ends well. After meeting with their Judicatory leader, the members of a formerly mid-sized (now very small) congregation decided that it was too late to address the situation. They voted to close their doors and joined another church. The bully went to another congregation and did the same thing there.

Fear of the bully and/or an unwillingness to be “mean” to the offender paralysed this congregation. Handling a bully requires courage and confidence in your convictions. The longer the bullying behavior goes on the harder it is to stop it. Nip bad behavior in the bud! Get some help – from others in the congregaiton or outside. Know why you are taking action against a bully and just do it!

4. From other observations

Build faith communities of respect and participation which empower all members to have a voice. By having systems in place that equalize the power among members in a group the relative power of a bully is reduced.

Build robust mentoring and “buddy” systems for new and/or vulnerable members. Help people to know who will support them if they have a problem with a bully. Build resilience in people so that they are not so easily hurt by a bully.

For more ideas on how to tackle bullying see the previous post: Bullying at Church – what is it?

Conclusion

Stop making excuses for bullies and take a stand for the wellbeing of your organzation. Ephesians 2:10 reminds us that “we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to accomplish.” We are created in God’s image and likeness to show Christ’s love to the world around us.

Be a bully-free church zone by refusing to tolerate aggressive, divisive behavior. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is no room for bullying or demeaning others.